Banishment

[lotusblume]

After a serious family mobbing incident about a year and a half ago, I came to realise I was the scapegoat. I guess I realized it intellectually, but emotionally, this whole time I have been in denial, even through bouts of clarity and grief.

I have written quite a few posts here, but a short summary is that I have now been fully NC for a few months with my FOO, after my first attempt at NC turned into massive smears, hoovering, threats, bullying, showing up at my door, and me caving, falling back into denial, jading and trying to explain myself to FOO, resulting in a short low contact period preceding this NC.

I was however still occasionally in touch with my uncle, whom I believed actually loved me and was refusing to take sides. I naively assumed he could see the dysfunction even though he was still part of it. I believed he was an ally.

My matriarchal NGrndma recently was ill and was put in the hospital, but I did not contact her. I was swarmed with hoovers but I quietly slipped from LC into NC and was waiting for things to calm down before contacting her. After much agony and soul searching, when her birthday came a few weeks ago, I did not reach out to her. There were many reasons behind that decision.

In the meantime my uncle was filling me in on her state of affairs, I offered encouraging words and advice and showed that I cared, even though I was not in contact with her. I agonized over my communication with him, wondering if I should thank him for never taking sides and discussing the family dynamics. I did discuss some with him, but I found he was putting me in the therapist role, and decided to fight my instinct to try to save him, and just let him make his own decisions.

When her bday passed and I did not reach out, I knew a simple thing like letting that day pass by without contact would cause a massive war on me, knowing my FOO. My uncle asked me if I had a chance to call her. I answered, no I hadn't, but I guess he knew if he was asking me the question. He changed the subject, and I was proud that I enacted a boundary.

Fast forward a week or so and it was my bday. Hoover voicemail from my mother which I heard as I was listening to my other vms, which made me feel terrible.

Fast forward a week and I get a text message from my uncle while I'm at work. I don't check my phone until after work, and I received a massive string of accusatory, nasty, swearing and rageful messages from him, beginning with the fact that he had news about a relative, and then going completely crazy. The relative had passed away, and since I didn't immediately answer I was "disgraceful", was shamed, berated, told I didn't care, bullied, and then told he was not going to talk to me anymore and was done with me. (And I'm paraphrasing elegantly.)

So. I've been banished. It was completely shocking. I realised I really am the scapegoat, emotionally felt that truth, finally. The one person I thought was an ally and who loved me, and whom I loved and cared about and wanted to keep ties with, thinks so lowly of me and does not empathize with me or love me. I realise it's what they all think of me. It is immensely painful. It is also liberating. I no longer doubt my perception of reality. I am Out of the FOG. And I am free.

I was wondering if I should send flowers or condolences, but I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm a bleeding, beaten goat, cast out and walking away from everyone I used to know. There is no turning back. I am a foreigner to my own blood, and I am walking on.

[theonetoblame]

While you sound positive and future focused, that's rough.... sorry you went through that.

There was a time in my life when I was still as actively involved with my FOO as you describe. It was impossible for me to navigate. I eventually came to conclude that everyone had an agenda and were also unable/unwilling/uninterested in seeing the situation from my perspective. In truth, I believe they're all so busy managing their own unresolved stuff that it didn't occur to them.

Peace finally arrived in my life in the years after all the noise stopped. This meant full NC contact with many people I had previously considered family. It hurt, and took time to work through. It did get better though -- I hope the same for you! I tried to keep connected with cousins as well... it didn't work out.

[SunnyMeadow]

I received a massive string of accusatory, nasty, swearing and rageful messages from him

What a painful shock this must have been. I am sorry for the pain you're feeling, it would knock me on my rear too. This really does propel you Out of the FOG and into freedom but it's sad it happened in such a massively shocking way.

[moglow]

I'm so sorry he reacted that way and dumped all that on you! Obvs you knew you were being smeared to high heaven, but for a beloved uncle to take that on is honestly just too much.

I'd have probably responded, thanking him for letting you know about the relative - and that you'd been at work all day, just now seeing the messages. I'd have also told him flat out how dismaying it was to read his other messages then gone absolutely silent. No conversation would make that right for me and is refuse to have one about it. Acknowledge and absent myself, basically.

His message was received loud and clear no matter what. It's a damned shame people act that way and feel all justified. You hold your head high and understand that's *their stuff*, entirely their doing and their choice.

[lotusblume]

Thank you all very much for your replies.

I'm so sorry he reacted that way and dumped all that on you! Obvs you knew you were being smeared to high heaven, but for a beloved uncle to take that on is honestly just too much.

I'd have probably responded, thanking him for letting you know about the relative - and that you'd been at work all day, just now seeing the messages. I'd have also told him flat out how dismaying it was to read his other messages then gone absolutely silent. No conversation would make that right for me and is refuse to have one about it. Acknowledge and absent myself, basically.

His message was received loud and clear no matter what. It's a damned shame people act that way and feel all justified. You hold your head high and understand that's *their stuff*, entirely their doing and their choice.

Moglow, you said it. That's pretty much exactly how I responded. I stood up for myself. I said that I was shocked, that I'm glad to know that that's what he truly thinks of me. That I was at work when he messaged, that I was being torn down and banished for not seeing a message while I was working. I told him that I was sorry to hear about my relative, that HIS treatment of me was disgraceful, and that I would not accept that kind of treatment. I then said goodbye and blocked him.

As you said, no point in a conversation after that kind of truth was exposed. So much hatred, vitriol and projection in his message. Such entitlement to think he could speak to me that way and dump all his shit on me. And such lack of empathy.

I'm sure his thoughts also reflect the mob thinking and result of smearing and gossip. He literally cast me out. Well, goodbye!

[moglow]

It's entirely possible he's been told a very different version of the story, but his behavior speaks volumes. No one should assume someone's "right" and pick sides in a battle that isn't theirs!

[Psuedonym]

To add to what moglow said, if your FOO knew you were on good terms with him and wanted to get back at you over their unrightful indignation about your grandmother, they probably invented some real whoppers about things you had 'said'. If someone does not really understand the depth of PD dysfunction, it can be hard to accept that yeah, they just complete make shit up when it suits them. Another possibility is that, as you said, you were the SG. Every family needs a SG and since you had the nerve to resign from that position, your uncle, who you said seemed to have some decent qualities, may have been tagged it. He may have decided he does not enjoy the new role and is trying to give you your title back.

Of course all of this is not to excuse your uncle's behavior, which was enormously shitty, but to point out that everything he said is crap and its really not about you at all, but all their dysfunction and failure to take responsibility for their behavior. You deserve so much better, and I'm glad that you are finally free of the lot of them.

[JustKat]

lotusblume, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's so painful when someone you thought had your back suddenly turns on you like this.

I had this happen with my sister. She was always arguing with Nmother and used to email me to vent. Even though we weren't very close, the times we did see each other at holiday gatherings things were good. When my Nmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer I was hopeful we could have a good relationship after NM passed, but instead my sister turned on me seemingly overnight. It was horrible. I heard the same kind of vicious words you heard from your uncle. I didn't attempt to contact her to explain my side of the story because I knew it was a lost cause. Honestly, I'd love to know what is said in these smear campaigns to cause such an about-face in people who should know better.

As for your question about sending condolences, I agree that it's a situation of "damned if you do and damned if you don't." Not sending something will get used against you and held up as further proof of what a horrible person you are. If you do send something, it might not be acknowledged, but might bring you comfort if this relative was someone you cared about. It's a tough call. I'd do what feels right to you without worrying about what they think. What they think will be negative no matter what.

Situations like these are so very difficult to deal with. To my experience, once a family member has fallen for a smear campaign they won't change their mind and come back to you. But as you said, it can be liberating. You are finally free with nothing left to tie you to these dysfunctional people. I hope you're able to enjoy the holidays with people who genuinely care about you.

Sending you a Thanksgiving hug.