Stuck

[LightofGold]

Hello everyone,

I posted here a few months back and was only active for a very short time,  so I hope it's ok to post here again as I still feel new.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm just going to be stuck in my relationship with my narcissistic partner. I don't see a way out.  He will fight me.

Everyone tells me he's just trying to put the fear into me and nothing will come out of it, but they don't know him like I do. I honestly believe he will go to all lengths to make my life miserable if I leave him. Leaving him would destroy him, and I know he would have no problem "paying me back." There are too many things he could mess up for me.

Is it even worth the risk? Is it worth staying in a relationship where I have lack of freedom and have no control of my life, or at least very little control, and avoiding possible consequences? I mean, there is no guarantee that there would be any consequences,  but I'm expecting there to be. I could be wrong, but is it worth the risk?

Anyway,  thanks for listening to my thoughts. Anyone ever experience something like this?

[Starboard Song]

Welcome back.

You say he'll create consequences, fight you, make you miserable, pay you back, mess you up. Those are threats, as you were told last time, and they should be taken very seriously. And that includes understanding your real question. Your question is not whether or not to stay in this relationship: your question is whether or not to escape.

I suggest demystifying all this talk of "paying back." I'd write down the types of steps you mean that he would take. A clear, bulleted list of things he might do. Maybe it's three or four things. Maybe it gets longer. Write them all down. Be honest, too. What are you really afraid he may do? Consider marking them into categories: to do with harrassment, to do with money, to do with property, to do with personal safety.

Please, please, please, then, find any trusted friend to review that document with. I believe anyone reviewing what you write down will be horrified for you, and will tell you in a heart beat that escaping is always worth it. You'll then have something direct and actionable, rather than a fog-like fear of generalized potential malevolence. And you'll have already enlisted one friend in the big move: the big change to improve your life.

Be aware of our Emergency Resources, and be ever so careful to protect yourself. You deserve to thrive in peace. And now you've solidly landed on the Welcome Mat. We look forward to seeing you on the boards when you are ready to share more of your story.

Towards that end, let's remember the great advice you received last time:

my ex was never formally diagnosed but breaking up with him was certainly a full time job once it finally happened.  please do what ever you can to be safe.  i can share the emergency links with you so in case you need help, you have a resource on the ready.  we had already had several DV situations and an active court case with orders of protection by the time i finally ended it and he came back HARD trying to suck me back into the relationship for close to 6 months after i put his stuff out.

Here is a link on creating a Safety Plan or Kit and a checklist for leaving:
http://womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/safety-planning-for-abusive-situations.html

Personal Safety
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/ensure-your-own-personal-safety

Put Children First
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/put-children-first  - not sure if this is your situation from what you shared but just in case-

To avoid circular conversations, don't JADE Justify Argue Defend Explain
http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Keep reading and posting! Please give us an update when you can. We are here for you when you are ready to share more
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[LightofGold]

Starboard, thanks for that suggestion on making a list of what I anticipate.

I think what makes it a struggle is the fact that we have a kid together.  That's the main thing that's holding me up. If it was just me, I would have no problem leaving. Having a child changes everything.  I should have mentioned that before,  but for some reason I'm finding it hard to open up about this.

I do NOT want this to turn into a court case. I fear that it will.

I'm going to take the time to put that list together of the things I think he may possibly try. Thanks for the advice.

[NumbLotus]

I have a friend who escaped - not merely left but escaped - her abusive, narcissistic ex. It involved leaving everything but the children, fleeing to a faraway state, being homeless and living in shelters for a significant time. She changed her name.

It was incredibly hard (I can't even imagine) but she did it. She has been rebuilding her life since. Her children are no longer growing up watching their mother be humiliated and dominated. They no longer had to watch their mother call on her cellphone to get permission to buy medicine when they were sick, waiting in the car outside the pharmacy fir him to call back and greenlight it.

I don't know what you should do, because only you know the situation you are in. But this is a great place to talk it out. I hope you find freedom, as my friend did.

[NumbLotus]

PS: A helpful hint.

You may need 10 posts here first but then you can use this forum's private message feature. You can message YOURSELF your thoughts, lists, journal notes, etc. It's a way you can hide and password protect things you can't risk him finding, including things you may not wish to post publicly.

[treesgrowslowly]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Unfortunately you are not alone at all. Many mothers, every day, find themselves in this predicament.

I hear you about these people in your life who dont really know him. That is common. They dont see what you see. Starboard songs advice is going to help with that. Based on what you know, making those lists is important. The fears are already in your mind. Writing them down will help you to move forward with your decisions.

Writing them to yourself as a personam message here is a great suggestion.

Trees

[LightofGold]

Thanks for the replies, guys! Having that extra support really helps.

The thing is, he's not what I consider to be a bad guy, but he has issues that prevent me from working a decent job, communicating with people, (especially men), wearing clothes that are in no way inappropriate but in his mind  would perhaps cause people to look at me. Forget having friends. He likes to control how I communicate with them, and if he disagrees with something they do or if they don't give him the time of day, in his mind they are no good. Also, there's the whole thing of me not being allowed around certain of my own family members. I could list more, but I'm trying not to flood the screen all at one time.

Thanks for being supportive and friendly.

[NumbLotus]

I don't think you need to label him a bad guy.

But the stuff you listed is very bad for you. He can be someone you have compassion for, but you need to protect yourself. You being isolated and controlled is bad for you, and there is no good end result to it - you can't save him, and you're drowning now too.

[LightofGold]

NumbLotus, I think you hit it right on in that last sentence when you said I can't save him, and now I'm drowning too. You're completely right. And yes, I do have compassion for him, as he is also a human being. I guess I'm letting that get in the way of focusing on what I really need to do. That compassion temporarily fades when he goes into one of his rants, but then it just comes back.

I appreciate you taking the time to write back. As I get more comfortable on here, I'm sure I'll share more about my situation.  I'll start posting on other boards on here and maybe I can find the right solution. That solution being the right way to escape and how to stay protected from my intuitions.

Thank you to all who respond and making me feel welcomed.