I have no idea what is going on...

[TiredOfBeingUsed]

So my brother was married to a woman who was unmedicated bipolar and she was very abusive to my nieces until he got full custody of them. I've long believed that both of them have personality disorders as a result of this. Last year, right before the holidays, one niece decided that I had liked the social media posts of my other nieces more than hers and it's been a nightmare since. Like she said that she and her husband sat and counted facebook likes of all of them over 5 years to prove it. And maybe I did like the others more, but that's the thing about social media... the more active a user the more visible they are and the niece whose posts I was accused of liking the most is constantly on social media. But I apologized and said that if I had it didn't have any significance in how much I loved them and wasn't reflective of how I felt about them. (My nieces are both in their late 20's/early 30's... so not kids). This year, I invited everyone to my house for an alternate day Thanksgiving. They declined to come. But then they had their own thanksgiving celebration and didn't invite my husband and I. They say they don't invite their other aunts and uncles, and that's true, they don't. But the thing of it is, my mother died when my nieces were very young, so for the last decade and a half I've been cooking every holiday meal for them. Every single one until last year. So I guess based on that, I never thought of myself as being just another aunt or uncle, one that they rarely see. I felt like it was a different family connection, especially as I never had children of my own. I've hosted wedding receptions for this niece, I gave her my car when I bought a new one, for the other one, I paid to have pageant dresses altered and have supported every thing she's done on social media by sharing it with my own audience (I'm an author and have a pretty extensive social media following). I've always been so supportive but they've turned on me in the last two years. Oddly enough, this is about the same time that I got married. They seemed, at first, to like my husband and he liked them. But it's just gotten progressively weirder and at every holiday, something happens to create hurt feelings and drama. I'm accused of making differences in them, of loving one more than the other, and I'm just at a loss. Right now, none of us are speaking. I'm not even sure I want to speak to them.

[TiredOfBeingUsed]

Also, my nieces responded that I had to be willing to make amends for all that I'd done wrong. Beyond apologizing, assuring than that any perceived slight was unintended and telling them that I loved them all, I don't know what that entails. She keeps insisting that  I have a problem with her, that I always have had a problem with  her and that I've made rude, snide comments to her all along. I swear that I have not. Meanwhile, she's moved her mother in to their house and acts like the abuse (physical and emotional) never happened. I'm trying to figure out if I'm the family scapegoat, because it's certainly feeling that way. I'm told by both my nieces that I am petty, immature, starting drama.

[PeanutButter]

IMO It does sound like you have unresolved issues with your neices. I didnt have any advice but I want to help. Since the subject line said "I have no idea what is going on" I inserted questions about some of the things I wondered and that if I was you I would need to know in order to figure out "what is going on".
If this isnt helpful to you then please just disregard it.

So my brother was married to a woman who was unmedicated bipolar and she was very abusive to my nieces until he got full custody of them. I've long believed that both of them have personality disorders as a result of this.  Do they know that you think they are disordered? Last year, right before the holidays, one niece decided that I had liked the social media posts of my other nieces more than hers and it's been a nightmare since. ..maybe I did like the others more... I apologized and said that if I had it didn't have any significance in how much I loved them and wasn't reflective of how I felt about them. (My nieces are both in their late 20's/early 30's... so not kids). Were they acting like kids IYO This year, I invited everyone to my house for an alternate day Thanksgiving. They declined to come. Are you angry about this? Do they know if you are? But then they had their own thanksgiving celebration and didn't invite my husband and I. Are you angry about this? Do they know if you are? They say they don't invite their other aunts and uncles, and that's true, they don't. ...I never thought of myself as being just another aunt or uncle, one that they rarely see. I felt like it was a different family connection, especially as I never had children of my own. do you feel that your neices should have recognised this and do you they know if you had this expectation? I've hosted wedding receptions for this niece, I gave her my car when I bought a new one, for the other one, I paid to have pageant dresses altered and have supported every thing she's done on social media by sharing it with my own audience (I'm an author and have a pretty extensive social media following).Do you feel that she owes you for these things if so what is it you expect from her? I've always been so supportive but they've turned on me in the last two years. ..Right now, none of us are speaking. I'm not even sure I want to speak to them.  my nieces responded that I had to be willing to make amends for all that I'd done wrong. Beyond apologizing, assuring than that any perceived slight was unintended and telling them that I loved them all, I don't know what that entails.  My understanding is that it would entail whatever they specifically needed you to do She keeps insisting that I have a problem with her, that I always have had a problem with her and that I've made rude, snide comments to her all along. Did she give you specific examples if not ask her for those I swear that I have not. Do you mean she is making things up that you said or that she is mistaken that you were being rude or snide with what you said Meanwhile, she's moved her mother in to their house do you disapprove of her letting her mother live with her and acts like the abuse (physical and emotional) never happened what actions do you disagree with and how would you have her act differently than she is that would ackowledge the abuse . I'm trying to figure out if I'm the family scapegoat, does that mean you think your neices are not sincere in feeling what they have discussed with you and are actually scapegoating you because it's certainly feeling that way. I'm told by both my nieces that I am petty, immature, starting drama do you know any specifics of what drama they are referring to if not i would ask .
/quote]

[nanotech]

The whole thing seems ridiculous.
Counting likes?
Making amends ?
For what?
It's blaming and gaslighting.
Don't take it on at all.
They'll get worse

[qcdlvl]

Counting  social media likes from five years ago is insane. In addition, while engaging in GC-SG dynamics would of course be wrong, you're not their parent and they're grown ass adults - you're under no obligation to relate to them equally. It's perfectly normal to be closer to some members of one's extended FOO than to others.
Getting upset because one of them gets more likes is also insane in itself. As you note, there are tons of reasons why someone would get more likes than someone else.
I'm sorry. It sounds like they've chosen the abuser. For whatever reason, this is sadly not uncommon among abuse victims. In more normal circumstances, asking them exactly what they're upset about and how to make ammends would seem sensible, but if they're doing things like counting likes from five years ago then they'll always be able to find more things to be upset about if they want to, and even if you make ammends they'll just move the goalposts or find new things to be upset about that require new ammends.
My advice is to drop the rope. Make holiday plans without them, etc. If they contact you, use MC and gray rock. If they have issues with you, ask for specifics and concrete issues. If they lie, can't come up with anything specific or can only come up with insanely petty grievances, that just confirms they take after their mother.
Again, I'm sorry. My F was a good uncle to one of my cousins, who basically stabbed us in the back. There's not much you can do about these dynamics other than when they show you who they are, believing them.

[bloomie]

TiredOfBeingUsed - I see you are new here. Welcome! I am so sorry this breakdown of relationships with your nieces is taking place. How confusing and painful this all must be.

I can sadly say, that I relate to the loss of relationships with two nieces that were raised in chaotic and abusive homes I also invested so much love and care into. It is confounding to see a level of entitlement and toxic expectation rise up in them and for them to turn on someone who has been stable, steady, consistent, generous, encouraging, and kind all of their lives.

Healthy boundary setting and letting them walk away - not pursuing them any further when faced with unfair and ridiculous accusation, beyond the gracious apology you have already offered, is a healthy boundary in the face of emotionally abusive and outrageous expectation of you and an abject lack of appreciation and reciprocity for the relationship you have made the loving effort to build. 

Let me say this... I was a young child with a neglectful and abusive home I would've given a great deal for aunties like you and me to come alongside of me. To love and nurture me and include me. There are so many younger women in this world hungering for trustworthy mentors and friends a generation above them.

I have learned to honor the gifts of relationships I have offered to my nieces and not allow their discarding of me to negate the sincerity and love they were offered in.

The other thing...I had to accept -  I will never understand what is going on with them. It defies logic in my own case and it seems the same is true in your own. I had to grieve the loss and regroup and recover. It takes time and support - like you will find here - which helps lighten a heavy heart.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. The toolbox and traits info at the drop down menus above are so validating and helpful and the conversations with others who "get it".