My narc cousin just passed away and if I'm being honest I'm happy.

[newlife33]

I feel weird about this emotion. Am I a bad person to be happy about someone's death?? I guess I'm sad, but I'm happy he won't be able to cause any more damage to anyone else.

He left behind a wife, 2 ex wives and 4 kids, that we know of. So there is a sense of grief for them. But deep down I feel this might be a good thing for them. Not having him around will stop the unseen abuse and trauma from spreading more, and maybe his kids will change.

I guess in a selfish way I'm happy because the holidays will be less dramatic or stressful. Their are other people in the family that cause some issues or stress, but nothing like him. He had been sick these past 2 thanksgivings and without him things were really peaceful.

So yeah, that's how I honestly feel. I can't express that to my actual family, but it feels good to get it out here and have it released. Thanks for listening.

[Penny Lane]

You're not a bad person. Grief (even if you're not really sad) and death can have a weird effect on people. PDs bring out strong emotions in people even in normal times. Go easy on yourself - this stuff is complicated and hard.

[guitarman]

I think it's quite a normal and healthy reaction. You are acknowledging all the stress, abuse and trauma you've experienced and you wanted that to stop. Now it has. That must be such a relief.

It's OK to be happy. It's OK to laugh. It's OK to live a peaceful life with less trauma in it. It's OK to say that you are glad that your abuser is no longer around. That's your truth. It's OK to say that they weren't a very nice person. The truth is their behaviour was appalling.

It's quite normal to not be abused. Those who experience abuse over a long time can experience trauma bonding and when the abuser in their life dies they feel guilty for their loss.

Please be aware about not finding other people who are similar abusers to replace what you have lost and so used to. It can happen. X

[bgirl12]

It sounds like you are free from a lot and now it is time to begin to heal.

[sandpiper]

I was six when my mother died, after a long illness, and the first thought that ran though my mind was a sense of relief and the words 'Maybe things will be easier now she's gone.' Fifty years later I'm still weathering the consequences of her behaviour. The only thing I regret about my response to that is the guilt that I felt over feeling that way and how I beat myself up over it.
As one of my girlfriends said to me - 'If people want you to miss them when they're gone then perhaps they should stop abusing you and treat you better.'

Relief is a normal response to the death of an abusive personality - so is the conflicted response of wondering if that makes you as bad as they are.
I don't think it's appropriate to bust out the fireworks and celebrate when one dies, I think instead it's appropriate to acknowledge there is a reason for the way you feel and if you want to mourn, you mourn the person that they were unable to be, the potential they wasted, and the lives that they damaged.
I hope that helps.
As others have said - it's complex and it's normal to feel a range of different and at times conflicting emotions.
When my BIL the drug lord died I felt a wave of gratitude that he was no longer around to intimidate people. I'm still amazed he didn't take his children with him. It hasn't helped family relationships but again, as others have said - these people cast a long shadow and once they are gone, the people who lived in their shadow have the opportunity to grow. Whether they make those choices or not is their personal choice.

[newlife33]

I was six when my mother died, after a long illness, and the first thought that ran though my mind was a sense of relief and the words 'Maybe things will be easier now she's gone.' Fifty years later I'm still weathering the consequences of her behaviour. The only thing I regret about my response to that is the guilt that I felt over feeling that way and how I beat myself up over it.
As one of my girlfriends said to me - 'If people want you to miss them when they're gone then perhaps they should stop abusing you and treat you better.'

Relief is a normal response to the death of an abusive personality - so is the conflicted response of wondering if that makes you as bad as they are.
I don't think it's appropriate to bust out the fireworks and celebrate when one dies, I think instead it's appropriate to acknowledge there is a reason for the way you feel and if you want to mourn, you mourn the person that they were unable to be, the potential they wasted, and the lives that they damaged.
I hope that helps.
As others have said - it's complex and it's normal to feel a range of different and at times conflicting emotions.
When my BIL the drug lord died I felt a wave of gratitude that he was no longer around to intimidate people. I'm still amazed he didn't take his children with him. It hasn't helped family relationships but again, as others have said - these people cast a long shadow and once they are gone, the people who lived in their shadow have the opportunity to grow. Whether they make those choices or not is their personal choice.

Thank you for your kind and wise words, all of it really hits home and makes a lot of sense.  There were a few things you mentioned that had been stewing around in my head but couldn't figure out, and you helped me to release them.  Thanks for helping me find balance and peace with this difficult situation.  The thing that you said the most that I feel really hurts is the wasted potential.  Seeing all he could have been, and what his kids could have been is really painful.  But even in the week he has been gone, I can see the kids feeling more free and open.  In a weird way it almost seems like they too unconciously know that thing are going to be better off now.

[JenniferSmith]

There are human beings that cause a great deal of suffering to others while they are alive (and impacts from this can last long after they are dead).  It sounds like your cousin is one of those. 

[sandpiper]

 
I'm glad I could help.
You aren't alone - this comes to us all. It's a weird feeling. Because my mother died when I was so young, when people discover this they tend to make a big deal out of it. I usually just let them say their piece and make their assumptions but one time when I was having a really bad day as a consequence of things Mother did 40 years earlier (it's that ricochet effect) and one person was going on and on and on and imagining that I'd lost Marmee from Little Women...I just held up my hand in the 'Stop' position and said 'What makes you think she's someone I would miss?'
The look on her face.
She started apologising and even that was annoying.
Ah well.

[Oscen]

'If people want you to miss them when they're gone then perhaps they should stop abusing you and treat you better.'

I like this.