Still Trying to Sort it Out

Started by Grahamcracker, November 30, 2019, 06:25:46 PM

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Grahamcracker

I'm sitting here alone in my "man cave" watching the local college football team. I considered heading out to a tavern or Buffalo Wild Wings, but I have developed gout, which makes beer and sugary drinks pretty much taboo.  I'm realizing I could have spent another day or two down with my FOO, but didn't want to spend more money on the hotel and rental car.  But I could have afforded it and it would have been fun watching the game with my adult nephews, coulda maybe shoulda.  I know that W is upstairs and not especially friendly, and I no longer want to play the game we've been doing for years.  So I miss being in my hotel where was the boss without needing to worry about it. 

Part of me says it's okay to be here like this, it's a good game and don't "have to" make myself be doing something if all I want to do is see it here and relax and hope my cough clears itself up.  Cut myself some slack.

Part of me also grouses that I'm getting older and haven't done everything I thought I would since I retired.  I wish that part would shut up.   I have gone skydiving, climbed a mountain (a small one), gone to Europe, been going to the gym and am in better physical shape than I've ever been (admittedly that's not a high bar to top).  Haven't done all the writing I wanted, but the book of my life isn't finished yet.  And I'm making plans.

I've re-established ties with my FOO and begun making amends.  Set up new boundaries with W and they are helping.

Why can't I be content with contentedly sit here then, since that's the obvious essence of life? I dunno.  But I feel better for writing this.  Thanks for reading.
"Wisdom's a gift, but you'd trade it for youth, Age is an honor but still not the truth"  Vampire Weekend.

mdana

 Not that I have any answers, but I imagine it must be difficult to share a home with someone you have loved (and maybe still love) that isn't "especially friendly". 

Even if there is no tension, the feeling of indifference is painful enough (there's some energy to it).  I am no longer married, and I have noticed that when either of my son's come over (they are each so different) -- there is a shift in the energy to my home.  With my eldest --- it's a whirlwind (he is tense and restless...lots of energy) -- with my younger son, it's calm and soft (he is an introvert).  Either way, it's great to have them over, but it's also wonderful when they are not here ---because I don't have to share in their energy (which sometimes, is an effort). 


M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

1footouttadefog

I have had extended times when I felt things like you have mentioned.

I eventually find a new outlook or interest to become motivated about and get out of my rut.  For me it is usually coming to terms with my own issues of feeling like a failure about something that in reality was optional to start with.  Hobby goals for example. 

I am more than ever of a mind set that I am free and I can hit the reset button at any time and make a best plan forward from where ever I find myself.

I have recently for example freed myself from old plans and dreams and reset my goals and am now motivated and am making progress toward a new business/ hobby.  I have even qualified for a federal cost sharing program toward some ageicultural infrastructure needed.  By the time I am done raising my kids I will have a small organic farm business complete with a tiny home office with full bath and green house.

I feel free that I won't be working retail just to get out of the house or returning to my past carrleers/businesses that were stressful.