You were NEVER molested... Trigger Warning

freedom77 · January 04, 2020, 01:37:50 PM

FYI this might be triggering from some....involves childhood sexual abuse

Since this recent awakening I have made the decision with finality that I am going to go NC for good the end of this summer. I HATE that I have to wait that long, but due to personal circumstances, it is what it is...but thankful I have finally become brave enough and have become resound in my decision. And I believe it will be like being released from prison.

As the awakening unfolded...I started to get really fed up with BPD/N mother's bullshit. She's always going on and on

about how horrible her life is, how dreadful everyone she's ever known is, and she's never appreciated, and just how awful everyone has always treated her and abused her.

I'm a struggling single mother trying to do and be my best self, despite feeling exhausted and dragged down by mother.
Anyway, for about a year now I've found my patience and ability to deal with her running paper thin. Just before Thanksgiving I blew up like an ancient volcano that had been stirring and stewing beneath the surface for centuries. The metaphorical lava being decades worth of suffering, much of it in silence, overflowing and burning me to the core. I did not care what the consequences would be. I was disgusted and sick of her.

I'd finally had it with all her constant demands, criticisms, judgments, calling me dumb and bringing up every mistake I have ever made starting from being born...and her never ending stream of complaints about how "rough" she has it and how somehow it's not only my fault, but my responsibility to rectify. I am "mandated" to take care of her, per her range of reasoning, and she's been demanding that we live together. Shudder...

I started out reminding her that my life was no peach, and naturally her eyes widened with complete disbelief and she gasped with bewilderment, and demanded to know what exactly I was trying to imply.

Well I went down a list of hellish things I had to endure, knowing full damn well she ALREADY knew, but she has NEVER owned up to, let alone apologized or indicated any shred of empathy or responsibility. Other times I've tried to tell her of things, she'd gaslight me and tell me I was crazy, a liar, just trying to make her look bad, or looking for attention, and that such "stories" never happened.

When I was 18 months old mother began seeing a man who was recently divorced. He was "all broke up" because his ex-wife took their 4 year old daughter thousands of miles away and wouldn't allow him to see her. This was circa 1980, before people openly discussed, or were well informed about childhood sexual abuse, and there was no such thing as a sex offender registry here in the U.S.

Well now you'd think mother would question this detail of why he was never allowed to see his own kid, but rather instead she invited him to move in with us. I can remember things as far back as age 3, with vague flashback or lightbulb memories of things even earlier than that. I know he was sexually abusing me probably from the get-go, because as far back as I can remember, he was.

He would come in my bedroom at night and touch my genitals and take my hands and wrap them around his penis to jack off with. He would plop me on his lap all the time, and sneakily stroke my butt cheeks beneath my dress, sometimes with mother feet away. As I got older, he started sitting in the bathroom and would slide open the glass shower doors to silently watch me shower.

He was a disgusting individual with poor hygiene. He literally smelled. He didn't work, was a freeloader who shamelessly lived off a disturbed single mother of 3 children for 10 years. Yeah, I was 12 before they broke up for good. And the only reason was because mother and I moved into a government subsidized apartment, and no freeloading boyfriends allowed.

My mother worked in a care home as a CNA. She didn't make much money, and we were mostly quite impoverished. She often worked the 3-11 shift, leaving me alone with him. The other siblings, my brothers, are 8 and 6 years older than me, so we were never close growing up, and they pretty much did their own thing, and escaped before they turned 18 and never looked back. Lucky them. As you can imagine, they were RARELY home. They got after school jobs, and often spent nights on end at friends' homes.

Anyway I'd come home from school, and he would always be there, waiting for me. He'd have a XXX porn video in the VCR he took from his former marital home. We were too poor to buy one of our own. These were VERY GRAPHIC pornographic movies, showing everything. He'd drag me over to him, force me to sit on his lap and touch me while forcing me to look at the video. If I turned away, he would not so gently yank my face back toward the direction of the TV. I was about 9 when this shit started.

At age 10 I was terrified he'd impregnate me because I started my period, but he never actually penetrated me with his penis, but would often ejaculate on me, forcing me to masturbate him, among other things. I told mother what he was doing more than once, and she'd slap me hard across the face and accuse me of trying to ruin her life, and of being a troublemaker. I also told a grandmother of a neighborhood friend, but her response was to tell me I wasn't allowed to come over anymore. Then he threatened me that if I ever opened my mouth again, he'd kill me. My beloved cat went missing, and he smiled and asked what did I think happened to it...indicating the same would happen to me.

Well the day before this past Thanksgiving, I exploded with frustration and rage, and finally screamed at my mother, whom I usually silently endure abuse from, I brought it all up. Like vomit, it came hurling out.

She coldly stated IT NEVER HAPPENED. I WAS NEVER ALONE WITH HIM. I'M A LIAR. I'M CRAZY. I JUST WANT TO HUMILIATE HER.

I told her of course I was alone with him for years. Brothers were rarely home, and had already moved out by the time I was 8. She worked 3pm-11pm. I came home from school around 330-400pm. ALL those hours he had unfettered access to me. FOR.YEARS.

She then went on about what a great person he is. How intelligent, creative, artistic, and what a great and interesting conversationalist he is. And how she FELT SORRY for him because his wife so selfishly left him, taking their little girl away. I cornered her on that one. And why, do you suppose, I asked her, did she take the girl away... Hmmmm...? Why wasn't he given visitation?? She just yelled and talked over me, continuing to deny all the anguish and abuse and shame I suffered, and still suffer the fall out from.

Thanks for reading. Share your thoughts if you care to. I like to hear like-minded folks take on things.

Fiasco · January 04, 2020, 02:07:47 PM

I'm so glad you're going to be free of her. She is beyond complicit, she abused you just as surely as he did by allowing it to happen. Go Freedom77!! We're cheering you on!

freedom77 · January 04, 2020, 02:44:13 PM

Thank you Fiasco. I'm in for a rough ride, as she is tightening her tentacles around both my daughter and me. She is now threatening to report me to DCF, Department of Children and Families, for her own manufactured allegations of abuse of my daughter, possibly with hopes of getting custody of her herself. Never mind she is not fit. And my kid is not abused at all. I'm feel the age old terror of her rising up in me, but I have to escape her with my daughter by my side. I really am getting scared. I wish I could leave now.

freedom77 · January 04, 2020, 02:45:24 PM

As we know all too well, borderline/narcs are absolutely relentless and ruthless when it comes to revenge.

NumbLotus · January 04, 2020, 02:56:49 PM

Fucking hell. I am absolutely FURIOUS for you.

My best friend once told me she sometimes hated her mother more than her father because her mother did not protect her.

In some ways that is the biggest betrayal of all.

And I can't imagine how one can process this when The Voice pipes up and says "no, it never happened (etc)." How do you even get to have a feeling about what happened when Yhe Voice gets in the way every time?

I'm sorry. I believe you. It happened. It wasn't your fault, not even in some teeny tiny way. Not at all.

freedom77 · January 04, 2020, 04:22:08 PM

Thank you NumbLotus...she has betrayed me countless times, but this one really really hurts. The episode before Thanksgiving though, is beneficial in that it cemented, completely solidified my decision to escape her once and for all. Finally be alive, awake, and free.

Another thing she said years ago when I confronted her as a young adult about the sexual abuse, was, "Well I'll never believe it happened, you just want to make me look bad (always about HER you know), but if anything ever did happen, you must have asked for it. You liked him, you were always sitting on his lap. You were a slut even then."

What.The.Actual.Fuck.

I was a little girl living in a hot bed of dysfunction and abuse. I didn't know any better. He would place me on his lap. Why didn't she speculate about that, huh? If some guy was always trying to get my kid to sit on his lap, out the door he'd go. I don't even let men around my daughter because I'm so fearful she will get molested.

How is it I continued a relationship, a rocky, stormy, chaos-entrenched relationship with this horrid person?? All these years. I must have been, in fact, I KNOW I was numbed. Well now I'm awake, eyes wide open and I'm shocked.

pipchick · January 04, 2020, 04:29:33 PM

I believe you freedom77, and I am so sorry that all of that happened to you.

You matter, your lived experience is real, valid and genuine. I wish that I knew the right words to say to help heal you.

I'm learning that there is no winning when someone invalidates your whole self, and experiences. Stick with those who give you clarity. You're thinking clearly. You are going to be okay, I know it.

freedom77 · January 04, 2020, 05:00:54 PM

Thank you Pipchick,
No there is absolutely never any winning or reasoning with a personality disordered person, particularly BPD/Ns. The biggest concern mother had was how is this going to make her look, what will people think of her, how dare I speak of anything that paints her as less than a stellar person with exceptional parenting abilities. Her, her, her, it's all about her. Or...she will hijack the discussion, say a health problem one is experiencing, and turn it around to be all about...you guessed it...her. Either she had the same exact illness, only 1000x worse than you or any of the 7 billion people on this Earth ever could...or your illness is affecting her, stressing her out, what is she going to do now that you're sick, who is going to take care of her.
ALWAYS HER.
I was sooooo deep in the FOG, I am just now realizing sooooo many things...and how infuriatingly exhausting and self-absorbed and centered she is.

pony · January 04, 2020, 07:10:30 PM

Your story is very much the same as mine, down to the "2year old slut" thing and threats to take my kids.

I contacted my pediatrician and told him what she was threatening. He contacted social services and asked to be brought in as an expert witness if she ever did report. He then reassured me that all would be well. The next time she pulled that threat, I told her I was already in contact with DFS and the kids' pediatrician and they were prepared for her call. She dropped the threats. I'd called her bluff.

I loved the kids' pediatrician, knew him well, and trusted him. It felt to good to take charge of the threat to my kids.

I'm so sorry we have to go through this.

Freedom2019 · January 04, 2020, 07:34:50 PM

Oh my dear god, I am SO sorry I can't even imagine how horrible this was and is. And your own mother behaving this way just re-victimizes you all over again. I just want you to know: I believe you. I support you, you are an amazing survivor. Your mother is, well...sick. Sick and disturbed. That's the only way to describe somebody like her (except maybe evil?) She doesn't deserve to have any relationship with you nor any headspace in your brain. Sending so much love to you. I have 2 daughters 9 and 10 and I probably will never trust any man around them...I don't even trust their own dad. I keep the lines of communication open as hell and have them already seeing a therapist due to our divorce but also to get another safe line of communication open just in case. My stbx husbands stepdad molested his own daughter and stepdaughter so you can never be too safe. So many sickos out there. How very horrible that your own mother happens to be willing to enable that heinous abuse. <3 lots of love

freedom77 · January 04, 2020, 07:40:17 PM

Thank you Pony...
Right now, though it sickens me, I'm trying to placate her so she doesn't swan dive off the deep end and do something stupid like filing false reports about me to DCF. All the while though I am steadily making plans of our escape. I also hate that I have to "train" my daughter. I strive to teach her to be honest, to not tell lies, to not keep secrets, but that's changing. I also kept my mother's mental illness in the dark from her. Now though, I'm finding I have to be more open about it to her.

She's going to be 10 and she's very intelligent and mature and very empathetic and sweet. I explained to her what mental illness is and she surprised me with her own insights into mother's behaviors. I told her we are going to be making changes in our lives, including leaving far away and that she ABSOLUTELY CANNOT tell grandmother anything about it. She promised she wont. I know mother attempts to pump her for info, often right in front of me. Today I taught her about grey rocking, and to pretend she is a boring old grey rock with nuttin' much to say when grandmother asks her for details on what we're up to.

It saddens and sickens me. This whole thing has affected my health, mentally, physically, spiritually.
As an abused child, I knew what was happening to me was wrong. All of it. And I swore to my young self I would leave and never come back.
How is it I'm nearly 43 and still dealing with this shit?

One thing that has made my resolve very strong is that as my daughter grows up, I refuse to have her ruined by mother's BPD/N behavior. History cannot repeat itself. I'm thinking of going to Alaska. How's that for some distance??

freedom77 · January 04, 2020, 07:48:29 PM

Thank you Freedom2019...
We're both Freedoms lol...I chose the name because I so desperately want peace in my life, and believe I can only have it if I break free.
Yeah my BPD/N mother is quite stunning in her cold feigned disbelief...she's done a lot of cruel nasty things to me.
I can't believe I still talk to her, and let her in my and my daughter's lives.
The hold these types of people can have on us...FOG is so perfect an acronym.

appaloosa · January 04, 2020, 09:14:16 PM

I'm so sorry for what you went through, that's horrible. I wish you could leave/go NC now--are you positive you can't? Please be careful what you tell your daughter re your plans. She's only 9 and your mother sounds like she could be capable of manipulating her into believing lies or somehow worming your plans out of your daughter. I hope that you are able to escape and never be near her again. xoxo

Freedom2019 · January 04, 2020, 10:45:56 PM

Hi Freedom77...yes I chose Freedom2019 because last year I left my stbx husband and left the abuse. So, Freedom, 2019! It's a good name- it reminds us that we always have a choice. And we can always choose something different and better for ourselves. <3 Yes, they sure do have us under a FOG, but learning about the FOG is the first step to dissolving it away! Love to you!

Brooke · January 05, 2020, 03:01:57 PM

freedom77, that is the worse type of gaslighting of all. It's such a betrayal, especially coming from your mother.

We believe you!

FromTheSwamp · January 05, 2020, 07:14:00 PM

I never told my mother what my dad did. I'm sure she knew. She was horribly jealous of our "relationship", so talking to her about it had no potential for anything good to come of it. When I tried to address something he did just a few years back that was terrible in it's own way, her reaction was much like yours. "That didn't happen!" When it demonstrably DID.

The sexual abuse has always been something I've tried not to think about. That doesn't work, as it turns out, with something so fundamentally damaging. I'm trying to work through it now, and it's so damned HARD.

I agree that the angry denials by the person who should have been there to protect you is so, so harmful. All you can do now is protect yourself. I'm trying to learn how, after being taught that I didn't deserve protecting.

I hope you can get away from her completely and quickly.

freedom77 · January 05, 2020, 09:07:57 PM

Thank you everyone for the kind replies.
When I was younger I felt white hot rage toward my mother's reactions and gas lighting.
Now though...I just feel tired, drained and wanting to be done with it.
To just move on once and for all...I want peace of mind, something I have never, and will never have, when I try to maintain any kind of contact with her.