Realising That My Siblings Will ProbablyAlways See Me As The Fixer And Scapegoat

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hi Everyone,

I've recently come to the realisation that my BPD mother has very successfully triangulated my siblings against me. 

My relationship with my siblings is most likely not going to change.

I am the eldest child, I think that I probably was the fixer and scapegoat. I was the family cook, and my mother's therapist from a young age. I was the dutiful parentified child, who tried to fix everything. My mother could not emotionally regulate and had a very negative self image. As a result, she emotionally abused me and when she could not cope with her rage and anger, physically abused me, regularly. Unsurprisingly, I have low self confidence and have accepted unhealthy friendships and was exploited in some work situations.

I physically defended my brother from enfather. I have emotionally supported my brother for years, tried to help him by giving him a place to stay, cooked for him, helped him with job applications and to write on-line dating profiles. None of this has ever been acknowledged.

I now longer engage much with my brother. If we discuss our painful family situation and BPD mother, my brother will dismiss and invalidate any comments, I make about BPD mother. Up until recently, my brother would ring me and vent about BPD mother. Anything I had to say about BPD mother, was ignored and he got quite aggressive with me at times for voicing my opinions.

After I had DC 1,BPD mother came to stay  , I tried to deal respectfully with BPD mother and tried to detach from her hurtful comments and efforts to start fights. Unsurprisingly BPD mother's visit was very unpleasant. My brother told me that I had equal responsibility for this very unpleasant visit. 

GC sister has always been compared to me and of course, received the message from my parents that she was superior to me in every way. I am thankfully NC with her. She expected me to continue the fixer and scapegoat role in our relationship. When I started to establish boundaries and call her out on negative comments about my weight, parenting, relationship with DH and job, GC sister ghosted me, while maintaining that I was the one ignoring her.

I expect nothing from GC sister, but I am sad that my relationship with my brother has followed our dysfunctional family pattern. I am LC with him and now grey rock him. I find him emotionally exhausting to be around, he is very negative about life in general and rants about BPD mother. Anything, I have to say is dismissed and I am expected to just act as a receptacle for my brother's dissatisfaction.

Has anyone gone through this process - realising that you most likely won't have a healthy relationship with your siblings? I find it really sad.

I am at the stage in my life, where I would love some support and siblings to share the joys of my life with. DH's family have been generally good and they are pleasant and supportive. I just wish that I had siblings who might give me a break sometimes, by helping me with DC.

Anyway, I know that this is not going to happen, but it's just hard realising that my FOO are always going to be a black energy draining hole of negativity that I must grey rock, maintain LC/ NC with and avoid. 

Has anyone else experienced this?

How have you coped?

[GettingOOTF]

A lot of what you write really resonates with me. I have been NC with both siblings for about two years. I recently went NC with my father,

I came to a similar realization that they will never see me any other way than the one they always have. I have been in therapy for years and actively seeking to understand and change my patterns, to build a happy life and learn to set boundaries, regulate my emotions and generally improve my life. My family have done none of this. There is no awareness of how dysfunctional the family system is. If any thing the changes in me have only made my family cling tighter to their version of me.

I too was the scapegoat and fixer. My sibling loved to vent at me about her problems but never took any steps to change her situation. There is a lot of victim thinking and learned helplessness in my family. We are all victims of something/someone. I no longer think this way, I don't see everyone as out to get me like they do and this makes me one of the people out to get them.

It's a very hard and sad realization to come to, to know that they are so limited and can only see me as someone they made up in their minds. I tried varying degrees of MC and VLC but intimately this only served to make them try harder to push me back in the box they made for me.

I don't have any advice, only wanted to say you are not alone with this.

For me NC has been the best thing I could do for myself. It's freed me of the burden of their views of me, which I can now see I carried with me in every aspect of my life.

I'd love more than anything to have a happy, close family with boundaries and caring relationships. I have accepted that that will never be the case with my FOO. I am mourning that while building the life I should have always had.

[Roza]

I hear you. My situation is very similar.  I too was the  SG and fixer, however after our narc mothers death I am not needed to do anything for them, they got their money so they don't need me anymore.  They accused me of being a narc like our mother. How? Bcz I was the only one that took care of our narc mom until she died, all the doctors visits, all the financial responsibilities,  the maintenance of her homes, sure they would come out to help only when money was involved.  Once I started to enjoy my life, my siblings started getting worse, telling me that I was a  narc, that I was going to die alone  and that no one would be there for me. Let's see, I have a great DH and 2 wonderful kids and I am very selective in the friends department.  I deserve to enjoy my life. I no longer have the responsibility of caring for our narc mother. But my siblings told me that I was changing,  sure for the better for myself, I was not going to be their doormat anymore.  That must have been wrong. They are not happy because I set boundaries and they don't like it. 
It hurts to know that they only knew you when you could do something for them, but that is life and I am learning to get over it. So they understand that I am not their doormat anymore I am not taking any of their painful words to heart. I have to take care of me now.  I am NOT  a narc, I was the one who was there for everyone and no one was there for me, unless it was to put me down, well no longer. Be good to yourself and take care of yourself,  you deserve it.

[blacksheep7]

Hi KOKO,

It is a very painful situation to realize that our FOO is not what or who we would like it to be.

It still amazes me how PDs all function the same way.   I have been nc with NM three years in May and then followed by my sibs after M triangulated.  NM was the ignoring type while NF abused us physically and mentally.  When we were adults and left home she became  a covert narc with Queen traits...... would make sarcastic remarks (her weapon)  about the lack of attention from us, not calling her every week or more often .
She liked to provoke and always criticized us to the other sibs.... I heard it all

When I was vlc and going to nc for a second and definite time, NM  would repeat and twist my stories to gc sister which angered her and it went downhill from there even though we always had a good superficial but close relationship all our lives.
NM took pleasure in comparing me to her saying she was "easy going"  didn't rock the boat.  Sis is the last one of four, the lost child, meek is the best way to describe her.  On the other hand, I am quite the opposite, opinionated.    My sister pushed me away right before the holidays saying she was busy, we live minutes away from each other.  That hurt me bad, I moved on.

One year later I met one of her dd saying that she misses me and doesn't know how to go about to reach me, have a relationship again.    I do miss her, yes very much but I told my niece that I did not want to go back to the Drama of my FOO with NM being the puppet master.

The main reason which I didn't mention to my niece was that I would have to  listen everything concerning NM complaints, control etc... as in the past, the triggers it would create.  I was the fixer then.  No way do I want to go back, I enjoy my peace and quiet immensely.

As long as aging NM is alive, I can not/will not have a relationship with my sibs

Take care 

[nanotech]

In the same boat. unPD mum was the puppet master. Since she's passed on unNPD SIS , BRO and niece ( yup there's three) all have tried on her crown.
They all want it.
Loads of acting going on.
Keeponkeepingon, my brother had exactly the same reaction as yours. He completely invalidated my efforts to point out any family dysfunction. They just put their fingers in their ears and sing loudly!.
You've been through a lot. More than me. You've had it tough. My mum did struggle with her emotions as well. Both my parents were/ are low in terms of emotional intelligence. My mum could have changed I think, but my dad'sthinking is really fixed and rigid.
- My dad is uNPD. ( yup that makes 4).
Mum being likely Borderline PD was a tricky person, but she wasn't a narcissist ( I don't think) and though there were dark times, she showed love too.
She was the matriarch
and the others are vying for her crown.
All fight to be dad's 'chosen one'. No point really, as it's clearly my brother.
I think inheritance may be a factor.
Lots of nasty discard toward me going on at the moment.
I am VLC with them and have just refused to attend a family get -together. 
They only invited two of my three kids. Guess why, the third one sees right through them. The first two sometimes succumb still to their charm.
As for me,  I can't do it any more. No one sees each each other for months and months  and months, no phone calls or texts either, ( I tried all of these after mum passed on but hit brick walls) - THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN they want a massive claustrophobic all day hoover sesh in a sweaty, crowded pub/ restaurant  where we all declare our love for each other.
Once hoovered, we would all go back to my dad's house where some nastiness usually took place- emotional abuse this was. Didn't realise it at the time but knew it felt 'wrong' .
Apparently, I was 'too sensitive.' 
My Hubble, though met by ( feeble) protests would often foot most of the  food bill, and give lifts home to all that needed one.

Then we would be discarded again.
Not happening no more.
Yep,  it's lonely. I wish it were otherwise.
But acceptance is progress, and it's peace
. X

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for your replies.

I think I am mourning over the loss of my hopes that my FOO will change. I can see that's probably not going to happen.   

We will spend time with my in-laws over Christmas. They are quite nice and my DH's siblings get on quite well together. While I do enjoy spending time with them, I can sometimes feel a bit triggered, as in DH's family do make me realise what a healthy family look like and that I will never have that kind of relationship with my siblings.

A lot of what you write really resonates with me. I have been NC with both siblings for about two years. I recently went NC with my father,

I came to a similar realization that they will never see me any other way than the one they always have. I have been in therapy for years and actively seeking to understand and change my patterns, to build a happy life and learn to set boundaries, regulate my emotions and generally improve my life. My family have done none of this. There is no awareness of how dysfunctional the family system is. If any thing the changes in me have only made my family cling tighter to their version of me.

I'd love more than anything to have a happy, close family with boundaries and caring relationships. I have accepted that that will never be the case with my FOO. I am mourning that while building the life I should have always had.

Getting Out of the FOG, I am at this stage too, I think. I have been to counselling and I feel that I have had to work so hard to become a healthier person, emotionally. My life could have been so much easier, had I not had to deal with all of my feelings of inadequacy.

Roza, Blacksheep7, Nanotech, thanks for your kind words, sorry you have had to deal with this horrible FOO behaviour. The triangulation is so unpleasant.

Take Care X