MIL comes to our house with Xmas presents

[Spirit in the sky]

We have been vvvvvlc with NMIL since last Christmas when my hubby finally realised just how bad his mother is. He made it very clear he will never set foot inside her house again and that we aren't buying Christmas presents or going to her house for Christmas at all in any shape or form.

We arrive home to find a bag full of Christmas presents on our doorstep and an invitation for dinner on Christmas Day !!!!!

Only last week NMIL and her enabling husband blanked me in the street and now they are inviting us for Christmas and buying presents. Thankfully we were out because I have told her not to come near my house after she screamed and swore the last time hubby refused to let her in.

Obvious we aren't going for Christmas and we aren't even acknowledging the gifts because she has been told many times we want nothing from her. When we counted up she has spent well over £300 on my hubby, on a lot of stuff he won't even use. What does she think she is going to achieve? After we behaviour this last year does she really think we are going to go and play happy families? 

[gettingstronger1]

Obvious we aren't going for Christmas and we aren't even acknowledging the gifts because she has been told many times we want nothing from her. When we counted up she has spent well over £300 on my hubby, on a lot of stuff he won't even use. What does she think she is going to achieve? After we behavior this last year does she really think we are going to go and play happy families? 

Spirit in the sky, good for you and your husband for standing by your boundaries even though your MIL is sending gifts.  It is really interesting to me that people think they can treat others badly, then buy their way out of it by buying gifts.  As you well know, money doesn't make up for bad behavior.  Stay strong.  You are doing great. You are right to not respond to her hoover.   

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks getting stronger,

I have to admit I felt all the old anxiety kicking in again. I even felt sorry for her and questioned if we were doing the right thing. Then I realised she had yet again ignored the boundaries, 'Don't come to my house' and 'don't involve me, it's not my problem'.

And then I thought who would actually benefit from us going to her house for Christmas Day, certainly not my hubby or me, and it was hubby's stepfather who started all this last Christmas so I can't see him wanting another showdown. So of course the only one who benefits is NMIL in her delusional mind, she thinks we can forget her outrageous behaviour because it's Christmas and sit round the table pretending we like each other. It's total insanity.   

[all4peace]

This is unsettling behavior from someone who isn't able to have basic decency towards you. We've gone through this, too. The cognitive dissonance is    We didn't know what else to do except grey rock and eventually ignore gifts (when we had stated we didn't wish to receive gifts). Finally, finally, this year the gifts stopped for me and DH.

This is sad, and I think it simply demonstrates that someone doesn't have the tools for building healthy relationships, and so they rely on things like gift-giving instead. It's very uncomfortable to be in your position, and you're not alone.

[Spirit in the sky]

This is unsettling behavior from someone who isn't able to have basic decency towards you. We've gone through this, too. The cognitive dissonance is    We didn't know what else to do except grey rock and eventually ignore gifts (when we had stated we didn't wish to receive gifts). Finally, finally, this year the gifts stopped for me and DH.

This is sad, and I think it simply demonstrates that someone doesn't have the tools for building healthy relationships, and so they rely on things like gift-giving instead. It's very uncomfortable to be in your position, and you're not alone.

It has really unsettled me all4peace because I would never not thank someone for a gift. But I know any contact just opens the flood gates. NMIL has been phoning the house and we are ignoring it because it doesn't matter what we say she doesn't hear it. She is usually unstable at Christmas at the best of times but this year I think she is really going to up the anti. I have a horrible feeling we are going to be tortured from now to Christmas, hubby has assured me he's not going on Christmas Day and I have told him it's his choice but if he goes he's going alone.

I can't comprehend how she thinks a year of swearing and yelling at my hubby, emotional blackmail letters and insulting me all adds up to us playing happy families at Christmas. I really shouldn't be surprised the same thing happened with her other son last year and come Christmas everyone pretended like it never happened.  The year before she banned her granddaughter's boyfriend from the Christmas festivities because he had an opinion she didn't like. And everyone thought it was ok to just pretend he didn't exist, because she said that's the way it had to be.

I am trying my best to be civil and not say anything unkind just for the sake of it. We have already said we aren't going for Christmas but yet again we aren't allowed to have minds of our own. We are spending Christmas with my parents as my Dad has terminal lung cancer and it will most likely be last. NMIL doesn't know my Dad is  I'll because she feeds off other people's vulnerability and I couldn't stomach the fake concern.

[GettingOOTF]

I can't comprehend how she thinks a year of swearing and yelling at my hubby, emotional blackmail letters and insulting me all adds up to us playing happy families at Christmas

This is very much how my family we things. There is no awareness of how their treatment of me impacts me. I'm expected to simply suck it up and then play happy families when it suits.

I am now NC with my father and siblings. I found VLC kept up the abuse, he just went about it differently and it also didn't make my intentions clear enough. With NC they can just get on with it and I can live my life

[Fiasco]

I'm sorry about your dad, I hope you have a fantastic Christmas with him ❤️

[all4peace]

Spirit, I understand. It's deeply in most of us to thank someone who has given us something. I started with very, very plain thank-yous. Literally "Thank you for the gift." Then I believe it was DH who started doing the thanking. Then we requested no gifts at all. After that, we didn't acknowledge gifts or the manipulation they went through to get gifts to us. Finally the gifts stopped. Thankfully.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It sounds like it will be meaningful to spend Christmas with your family. I know how triggering it can be to have someone using gifts to try to reach you. I hope you're able to focus on your FOC and FOO this year. Deep breaths, and focusing on goodness, can be helpful. Thanks for sharing with us!

[Spirit in the sky]

I'm sorry about your dad, I hope you have a fantastic Christmas with him ❤️

Thank you Fiasco x

[Spirit in the sky]

Spirit, I understand. It's deeply in most of us to thank someone who has given us something. I started with very, very plain thank-yous. Literally "Thank you for the gift." Then I believe it was DH who started doing the thanking. Then we requested no gifts at all. After that, we didn't acknowledge gifts or the manipulation they went through to get gifts to us. Finally the gifts stopped. Thankfully.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It sounds like it will be meaningful to spend Christmas with your family. I know how triggering it can be to have someone using gifts to try to reach you. I hope you're able to focus on your FOC and FOO this year. Deep breaths, and focusing on goodness, can be helpful. Thanks for sharing with us!

Thanks all4peace

I realised I was being triggered by the phone calls even though we didn't answer and I did a lot of journaling to clear my head and understand why I'm still in fear energy. She still has some kind of 'power' over me and I felt I needed to face the fear  and be clear.

So I sent a Christmas card and said thanks for the presents and no thanks for the dinner invitation.  I wanted to make it clear we had already made plans, we aren't buying presents so as far as I'm concerned that's it sorted.

[Singer_82]

Excessive giving is my MIL's tactic, and it's so hard not to get drawn in.  We are fairly LC with MIL.  She lives quite far away, so she comes to visit for a few days, a few times a year.  It's not her turn to come for Christmas, it's FIL's (they are not together) so she contacted me this week to ask if she could come before Christmas to 'bring the children's gifts'.  I object massively to the fact that she always asks ME if/when she can visit, she does it so that I am the go-between and she doesn't have to risk being told no by DH.  I refuse to be the go-between, so I just don't reply to her message and forward it to DH.  She'll be silently fuming that I haven't responded yet, and in her head I'm so ungrateful, why would I not jump to reply when she is wanting to bring gifts?  She thinks everyone should fall over with gratitude for every gift she brings, even if she has already been told we don't want/need it.   

[p123]

We have been vvvvvlc with NMIL since last Christmas when my hubby finally realised just how bad his mother is. He made it very clear he will never set foot inside her house again and that we aren't buying Christmas presents or going to her house for Christmas at all in any shape or form.

We arrive home to find a bag full of Christmas presents on our doorstep and an invitation for dinner on Christmas Day !!!!!

Only last week NMIL and her enabling husband blanked me in the street and now they are inviting us for Christmas and buying presents. Thankfully we were out because I have told her not to come near my house after she screamed and swore the last time hubby refused to let her in.

Obvious we aren't going for Christmas and we aren't even acknowledging the gifts because she has been told many times we want nothing from her. When we counted up she has spent well over £300 on my hubby, on a lot of stuff he won't even use. What does she think she is going to achieve? After we behaviour this last year does she really think we are going to go and play happy families? 

WOW. Awful behaviour...... I've got my fingers crossed for you that you can both stick to boundaries....

Can you send presents back?

[WinterStar]

What does she think she is going to achieve? After we behaviour this last year does she really think we are going to go and play happy families? 

Yes, your NMIL does believe you will come and play happy family because it has worked before. If not on you, on someone else. Hoovering can often yield quick desirable results. And emotionally immature people don't worry about the long-term.

[Spirit in the sky]

What does she think she is going to achieve? After we behaviour this last year does she really think we are going to go and play happy families? 

Yes, your NMIL does believe you will come and play happy family because it has worked before. If not on you, on someone else. Hoovering can often yield quick desirable results. And emotionally immature people don't worry about the long-term.

That must be why she's claiming we ruined Christmas !