Family vacations with BPD parent

[sasha3]

Every year around the holidays my BPD mother and I travel together to visit my sibling, where we stay for a week. Due to lack of finances, I even have to share the same room with her. The stress of traveling triggers her BPD and she becomes extremely angry and mean towards me. I am used to this as she's done this my whole life, but when traveling she also exhibits very extreme, odd behavior which is hard to explain. It's literally like she goes insane and starts saying and doing very illogical and bizarre things. She becomes a totally different person.  She takes all her rage out on me and says the most hurtful, belittling things when she is in this state (for the entire duration of our trip). My tolerance for being treated like a punching bag is not as good as it used to be. I end up feeling extremely stressed out and upset.

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if so, can give me tips on how to best handle someone in this state of mind. Thank you for your support!

[illogical]

Hi sasha3 and welcome to the forum!

I would offer the following advice to try to help you get through this "storm"--

*as difficult as it may be, don't take anything your mother says personally
*when she starts lamenting, don't try to "fix" her, entertain her, or be her "happy clown"
*respond in a minimal way when she starts complaining-- use Medium Chill responses, such as "Hmmm"  or "Well..." or "Interesting"
*when she says something hurtful, do the ole "count to ten" and don't react-- rather respond in a way that is impersonal and not emotional (see above) with a minimum of words
*try to find some things about her that you can honestly compliment, but don't overly flatter her
*take as many breaks as you can in the hotel room, even if you just take the elevator to the ground floor and step outside for a couple of minutes of fresh air-- have a list of excuses why you have to absent yourself
*realize that the hell will end-- it's only a week-- so look toward your freedom

You are in a very difficult situation.  Trapped, really, if you have to share the same room.  If you are planning on doing this again next year, I would save my pennies and get a separate room. 

You say in your post that your mother gets "extremely angry" and "goes insane".  You don't mention any physical violence.  If she comes at you in a physical way, bail out of the situation.  Call a cab, rent a car and go home.  Maybe even call the police if you think she is a clear and present danger.   You don't deserve any abuse-- whether physical or mental.  But personally, I would draw the line on any laying on of hands.   "Angry" is one thing.  Using you as "a punching bag"-- not sure if you meant that literally or figuratively-- is an entirely different story.  Take care.

[sasha3]

These are all such useful tips, I really appreciate your taking the time to respond to my post! I think the biggest problem is staying calm and not getting upset. It used to be a lot easier to deal with but as she has aged, her behavior has gotten progressively more hurtful and dysfunctional. The irony is she doesn't treat anyone else this way - I've always been her dumping ground for some reason. No one has any idea how abusive she has been to me my whole life. Thank you so much for this advice, I am definitely going to be implementing these suggestions . I am so grateful!

[illogical]

Yes, I agree that staying calm and not getting upset is a tall order!

BPDs and NPDs (my mother was a N) have a difficult time regulating their "undesirable" emotions, e.g., anger or fear.  Thus, they try to "offload" them onto you.  If they can get you upset, they have accomplished that task.  So they frequently try to "push your buttons" in order to get rid of these undesirable emotions by attempting to let you absorb them.

When this happens, count to ten, take a few deep breaths and try not to emotionally react.  Try to talk yourself into calm, where you can respond-- rather than react-- in a logical way, ideally devoid of emotion.

This takes practice, but it can be done.  But it's difficult, because we have been groomed to be their "emotional dumping ground" or, as some dramatically put it-- their "emotional toilet."

The Toolbox on this website has some fantastic suggestions as to What to Do and What Not to Do with PDs.  Check it out.  It takes some time to go through, but the time researching and getting to know the disorders is well worth it, as it gives you insight into their way of thinking and how to respond in a way that minimizes their manipulative tactics.   

[capybara]

I agree with Illogical. If you have time for nothing else, read about "Medium Chill" and give it a try.  It takes practice, so be patient with yourself.

I find physical separation really helps. Can you go for a walk by yourself every day? Can you go alone to help a sibling with some tedious job? Will your sibling (s) help you organize time with them alone? Maybe there is an attraction you can visit that your mom would hate. Even time on your phone "answering emails for work" can be a nice break.

[sasha3]

I greatly appreciate the advice, I read a lot about Medium chill and am so grateful for this tool. I was wondering if you have any suggestions on how to handle the situation when my mother insults, belittles, and criticizes me. It's never ending and I often feel like a dumping ground when I just take it and don't say anything.  If I have a different interest, preference or need she goes into a rage and the crazy making starts. I feel like I can't be myself around her at all and have to pretend to be someone I'm not to avoid the constant barrage of verbal abuse.

EDIT: I've tried setting boundaries in the past but it only makes her more angry and vicious. When I told her that it hurts my feelings when she insults me she turns the tables around and made me look like the bad guy. She even called friends/family and told them how selfish I was for expecting people to be "nice all the time"

[NumbLotus]

Beyond Medium Chill is a state called Gray Rock.

In GR you don't share of yourself - interests, ideas, etc. That reduces the targets. Of course she can use old information but you can stop giving her fresh material. Here are some GR examples:

Mother: So what have you been up to?
You: Not much, same old stuff.

Mother: That outfit is SO unflattering on you.
You: It's interesting that you think so.
Mother: Oh I don't just THINK so, it IS.
You: You have a right to your opinion.

The tone is non-emotional. You do not JADE. You are unruffled. You do nkt accept her opinions as fact but you don't argue either. You don't open up in any way. You are dull and uninteresting. A cat will get bored of its prey when it stops fighting.

This doesn't make you immune to the barbs (inside of you - you don't show it on the outside though)  but it gives her fewer openings.

[NumbLotus]

Also, boundaries in a PD scenario are for you, not her. Meaning, it baxkfires if you try to control her behavior - like saying you will not tolerate insults anymore.

For it to be YOUR boundary, you decide "I will not tolerate her insults anymore, and I will do that by leaving immediately if she does that, or telling her to leave if she is in my home." (As an example).

[sasha3]

Thank you! That really clarifies things for me. It will take some time to learn now not to speak to her about myself since we are so enmeshed. I think the hardest thing is that she tries to bait me and pick fights over the tiniest things and will ask me questions to try to provoke me, so I need to figure out how to respond when she questions me without seeming like i'm ignoring her. I'll do some research before I leave tomorrow, thank you again for all of your help and advice!

[NumbLotus]

I do think in some cases a more gradual process than a sudden change is warranted - for your sake, to not trigger alarms. Be more aware of what you share, pull back on info you feel is more of a threat to you. Bit by bit.

She prods for info and you give her what you must but not every detail, not every thought. You become more bland in your outlook - whereas you used to admit your feelings ("this happened and I was so embarassed" or "I am so worried about that") you might share an event but downplay their effects ("it was no big deal" or "I'm sure it will all work out").