Scared of mils behavior over xmas

[Penny cat]

I'm very worried about my recent vlc mil coming to our house or my children's school over the holiday season.   I had an altercation with her where I told her I was upset with her behavior towards my family ( she showed up at my kids school and tried to take my kid out of school without my consent) and she shoved me, violently, repeatedly, at my sons school pick up. In front of 100+ people. It was so so so embarrassing and I don't know how I didn't punch her. My husband has come Out of the FOG so hard that he is actually in the offensive with her. He wants to cut her out further. He has been so strong. I'm very glad he got his manhood back. She asked why we are keeping the kids from her (duh, she physically assaulted me...) and we told her it's her unhealthy behavior that is keeping her from our family. She took that straightforward text and blamed it on menopause.... so she is on permanent timeout.

I'm worried that our low contact with this woman with bpd has encouraged her that we are the issue and that she is not at fault. This is how people with bpd think. If you give a mouse a cookie...right? Our responses are only enabling her. I want full no contact.

But I'm fearful of my mil lovebombing us and our two young children with xmas guilt and presents. I'm completely scared. What do I do if she asks to bring by presents? Or just drops them off?  What have you guys done? I'm new to this website and I'm on a mobile, so I'm not quick to reply I'm sorry. I'm honestly crying I'm so scared of her doing these types of things to us. Thanks for any help!

[Seven]

Well, to show her you mean business, you could have her arrested for assault.  You have 100+ witnesses.  I'm going to guess this happened at least within the last few months since school started.   Heck the statute of limitations.

But you're right, give an inch, she may take a mile.  If the DH wants full NC then give it to him.

Also, she can't ask about dropping presents if you're full NC because you will have blocked all forms of communication: phone, Facebook, emails, etc.

And go to the school and make sure they know she is not allowed to remove the children under any circumstances.  There should also be a school resource officer or security that you should also give a picture to.  The SRO might be a good person to ask about filing assault charges since it happened on school property.  Also think about a restraining order.

Just a few ideas.

[bloomie]

Hi Penny Cat! Welcome to the forum. I am glad you have joined the conversations here and hope you will find your time here of great support as you deal with this latest turn of events with a high conflict and violent mil.

What a terrible experience you and your kiddos had at pick up. Just boggles the mind and your mil is lucky you didn't press charges against her and put a restraining order in place. I imagine you still could take that measure and it may be something to at least discuss and look into for your own sense of empowerment and safety.

I'm worried that our low contact with this woman with bpd has encouraged her that we are the issue and that she is not at fault. This is how people with bpd think. If you give a mouse a cookie...right? Our responses are only enabling her. I want full no contact.

It is impossible to know what someone else thinks, but these insights that vLC may be creating a false narrative are wise. One of the things that my DH and myself have learned the very hard way is to be consistent in our messaging with high conflict potentially disordered in laws.

It seems you and your Dh are in unity regarding NC. Put whatever measures in place you need to protect yourself and your children and empower yourself. Is it possible install a doorbell cam that alerts you when someone comes to your door and any other security measures that would help? It might be reassuring to let school, church, friends and family know that your mil is violent and not allowed anywhere near your children should she attempt to approach them through back channels.

In my own situation with uPD in laws - I no longer communicate with them at all. All communication is through and with my DH and on an absolutely have to basis as we cannot completely go NC due to sharing care for an elderly and vulnerable uPD parent. 

It has been so good for me to take myself out of the line of fire as much as I possibly can. Even having been out of direct communication for some years now, I still suffer when I know they are circling the waters around my family. It takes a tremendous toll at times.

Your DH must be absolutely infuriated and deeply disappointed that you all were subjected to such terrible treatment. It breaks my heart just to hear of it. I am so very sorry for all you are dealing with.

The toolbox and PD traits information at the drop down menus above and the conversations here are such a great help as you work through this. Keep coming back! We will support and encourage you!

[all4peace]

Penny cat, welcome! I'm so sorry for what has brought you here but thankful that you've found a place of good support and understanding.

I am so sorry for what you suffered via your MIL's out-of-control behavior. I can only imagine how terrifying and upsetting that would have been. It sounds to me like you have a clear sense that this is totally unacceptable, and I don't hear any guilt that you're placing your MIL in a very distant place in your life. I want to validate that as totally reasonable.

In my life, I live next door to likely PD mil. She has never assaulted anyone, but she has intruded upon our physical and property spaces repeatedly. When she likely did so, entering our locked home while we were out of town, I filed a police report. For me, I needed the ILs to know that we were serious about our spoken boundaries. I also wanted the police to know we had a situation in case it escalated. I was able to do this over the phone without an investigation. Somewhere, there's a record of our home being violated. This then allowed me to tell my ILs that our home had been violated, that we had changed the locks, and we had filed a police report. I didn't accuse them of being the violators, but I did put them on notice. It helped me emotionally quite a lot to know that someone outside of the family was aware. I felt less powerless and alone.

Many people on this forum have informed the police of their toxic family situations, assaults, stalking, intrusion into the lives of their children and workplaces. I wonder if it would help put your mind at rest if you were to call the police, describe the situation, and ask what they are/are not able to do as the holidays approach (after talking it through with your DH, of course). Sometimes I think our fear can grow to astronomical proportions when we feel too alone and powerless in our situations.

I agree with Bloomie about handing over all communication to your DH, and would add that it's vital that you and your DH be on the same page. For me and my DH, my ILs were a toxic presence and destructive force in our marriage for 20 years. Finally, finally, we don't make a single move without talking it over with the other. Our marriage and our family we've created are the top priorities--not the ILs. So we consult on every.single.thing and only do the thing we can both agree on. DH handles all communication with the most toxic members. There are only a few people who have access to me in his family. The rest are blocked. If my ILs are trying to manipulate, it comes through on DH's phone, he and I talk it over together, come to a plan together, and he responds (or ignores). Finally working as a team Every Single Time has done wonders for my anxiety, his anger, and our marriage.

My best to you--this is really tough stuff!