Small Rudenesses

  • 24 Replies
  • 1715 Views
*

SparkStillLit

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 412
Re: Small Rudenesses
« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2020, 03:55:01 PM »
Oh here's one. I'm letting out dogs and grouchy old lady dog slips out with young puppy girl dog, who instantly starts trying to play. Grouchy old lady hates this and starts barking and snapping which puppy doesn't get, so keeps doing it.
I'm trying to keep puppy out and get old lady inside. Updh instead of HELPING is trying to shout at me over dog noise "WHY WOULD YOU EVER....."
I can't hear him, of course.
It wasn't a really big deal, just very noisy. The old dog was super irritated, not starting a fight.

*

Whiteheron

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2747
Re: Small Rudenesses
« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2020, 04:28:31 PM »
walking ahead - check
berating/screaming about my faults when I needed help - check

stbx would always walk at least 15-20 feet ahead of me. If I said something, he'd claim I was too slow or "lollygagging."  :roll:
I am much sorter than he is, and it takes about two of my strides to match his one. I told him on several occasions that I was not about to jog to keep up with him, only to be told I was still too slow.
Airports were a real problem...he would refuse to tell me the flight # or gate # (it was all a big secret for his eyes only), then he would take off at warp speed. I used to panic and run to keep up, but then one day I stopped. I had all the carry on bags/stroller/kids. I could not do it. Kids would be in a panic because they couldn't find dad in the crowd. I would calmly lead them to the board (which I would never have time to look at), look up our gate information and let them know where we were going and what signage to look for in case one of us got separated.

It was so bad, that when we separated to go use the bathrooms at the end of a long flight, he and DS had left the bathroom area without telling me. So there I was standing, becoming worried DS was sick or something. Stood there for a solid ten minutes, unable to get ahold of stbx by text/phone call. Turns out he didn't want to wait for DD and I and went on ahead to baggage claim. He assumed I'd figure it out eventually and meet up with him there.  >:(

You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

*

SparkStillLit

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 412
Re: Small Rudenesses
« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2020, 01:29:44 AM »
As I notice this stuff more (and apply either MC or what my T suggests which might be some form of MC) it occurs to me that, like with the dogs, he will always escalate a situation. Chaos? Let's elevate the chaos by shouting some blame! Don't de-escalate by helping at all! That was handy, chaos didn't even need to be manufactured!
I'm not ever going to get that partnership or that normal relationship where one backs up the other. It's a hard pill to swallow. I might get little sniffs of it, a scrap here or there, but nothing to make a base out of, and you never know when that rug will be pulled out. So don't bother standing on it.

*

11JB68

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1448
Re: Small Rudenesses
« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2020, 01:02:38 PM »
I get a lot of this behavior, and I'm going to start a new related thread....

*

Fae Greenwood

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 53
Re: Small Rudenesses
« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2020, 08:19:29 PM »
walking ahead - check
berating/screaming about my faults when I needed help - check

stbx would always walk at least 15-20 feet ahead of me. If I said something, he'd claim I was too slow or "lollygagging."  :roll:
I am much sorter than he is, and it takes about two of my strides to match his one. I told him on several occasions that I was not about to jog to keep up with him, only to be told I was still too slow.
Airports were a real problem...he would refuse to tell me the flight # or gate # (it was all a big secret for his eyes only), then he would take off at warp speed. I used to panic and run to keep up, but then one day I stopped. I had all the carry on bags/stroller/kids. I could not do it. Kids would be in a panic because they couldn't find dad in the crowd. I would calmly lead them to the board (which I would never have time to look at), look up our gate information and let them know where we were going and what signage to look for in case one of us got separated.

It was so bad, that when we separated to go use the bathrooms at the end of a long flight, he and DS had left the bathroom area without telling me. So there I was standing, becoming worried DS was sick or something. Stood there for a solid ten minutes, unable to get ahold of stbx by text/phone call. Turns out he didn't want to wait for DD and I and went on ahead to baggage claim. He assumed I'd figure it out eventually and meet up with him there.  >:(
I got ditched by uNPHh in a residential neighborhood in the middle of the night in a foreign country without any money, ID, or documents because he didnít want to take a taxi but didnít know where to go in those pre-smartphone days and when I couldnít keep up with him after dragging two suitcases at least 1 mile (thank God the kids werenít with us), I finally rounded the corner heíd turned and he was gone. Just gone. I went to the next corner and he was gone. I sat on the suitcase and cried. I was tired and frightened and didnít even know the name of the hotel we were trying to find because evidently that was a big secret and sat for about ten minutes before he popped his head around the corner, yelled at me in his loudest voice in the middle of an quiet upscale city neighborhood around 1 am about how stupid I was, and marched me off to the hotel.

The next morning I went through the papers and took my passport, ID, half of the money, and my return tickets and put them in my purse and told him I would never again travel without control of my own documents. He told me I would lose them and he didnít want to deal with that and I yelled at him that heíd ditched me in a strange country and to leave me the f alone. The next few days were spent with me planning my day and just leaving on my own. I just didnít do things like that. Looking back, I think he was so startled that he just let it go. I still carry all my own documents and insist on knowing the plan. And guess whoís lost documents, etc? It wasnít me!
I have to remind myself constantly that I am responsible for my choices but not the choices of anyone else.

When we have a child, we give a hostage to fortune and to the other parent.

I may not respond as I have to sneak onto this site and more than a quick view is challenging.