Small Rudenesses

[Fae Greenwood]

Once again uNPDh decided to come where I was, watch some of my program with me which was not rude, then at the end of the show took the remote, started a movie I didn't want to watch and then LEFT TO RETURN TO HIS TELEVISION. Yes, he's NPD and yes, that means he has problems with boundaries but damn it's rude.

[Bluebird]

I totally get this. PDx's favourite was to pick a film for us to watch, or come in while I'm watching something, and then at a critical plot point start talking to me about something inconsequential. If I said "what? I missed the start of what you were saying because you can clearly see I'm engrossed in this" or didn't turn my head and give him my full attention, then I was in a bad mood and a bad listener and cared more about sitting in front of the TV than about his feelings.
Sometimes he would actually pause the TV randomly so he could start talking about something that had occurred to him.

[Fae Greenwood]

Yes, Bluebird, the total unawareness of what I am doing and where my attention is going at any given time is often astounding. I had my hearing checked because I found myself constantly asking people in my family to repeat what they said. It turned out that I don't have hearing loss but do struggle a bit with filtering out background noise like a TV set or a crowded restaurant. The audiologist actually used the phrase "casual rudeness today" when telling me this is a common problem. I asked everyone living with me to get my attention first and everyone did except my uNPDh who still mumbles and complains his way through my day. If speaking to me is truly important to you you'll make sure I hear you. The plus side is that now when he yells something "important" from another room I pretend I can't hear him at all.

But it is other rudeness too. I ask what he'd like to do for his birthday and work to make that happen. He doesn't ask me at all about my wishes but plans what is fun for him alone. This year I got to clean the house and shop and cook for a family dinner for my birthday. I should have texted everyone and changed the plans so THAT part is on me but I could have seen the kids just as well at a restaurant so I am preparing myself for next time.

I ask him before making a commitment for us. He commits us then melts down when I have another commitment already. I'll ask to go see the Christmas lights and he'll invite our family to go on the one evening I have a meeting for a group I serve as president so no, I can't just cancel but have to miss the family event. I often don't know about it until just before it occurs so I'm working on getting my kids to also let me know. Texting is awesome! Yes, I have for 25 years had a large calendar posted in the kitchen with my schedule written on it and have actually stood over him as he puts my commitments in his calendar and he still makes "mistakes." So I go see the lights or the concert or whatever alone. I tell him where I'm going just as I exit the door so he can't join me. That strategy has actually made him a bit more thoughtful. Just a bit.

He'll complain that he's hungry at 5:45 and make a snack while I'm preparing dinner to be served at 6:00 and then ask if I can wait an hour before eating the dinner I have just prepared and I am hungry so nope not waiting and now he feels rejected. When the kids were still at home he'd eat in silence, push his plate away from the table edge, and walk away without comment (I had a lot of do-what-I-say-and-do-don't-copy-your-dad talks with my kids so that was fun balancing the crazy without tearing down their father and later he'd claim that he never behaved that way NEVER). I'd lay an outfit out on the bed, go take a shower, and find him sitting on my side of the bed on my clothing (once he did that naked). We'd agree on a time to leave for an event, he unilaterally decided on an earlier time with no notice to me which I discovered by his yelling at me for not being ready, I'd be ready AT OR SLIGHTLY BEFORE THE AGREED UPON TIME, and he would then insist on getting the car washed or running by the ATM unnecessarily on the way so we're late and he could tell people that I hadn't been ready on time. Now I write down the agreed-upon time and bring it out when there is a dispute and have a talk about my lack of psychic powers. Everything is a damned fight.

I no longer go walking with him because I complained for years that he walked a step or two in front of me. He denied it but when I can turn my head towards you without leaning and see both butt cheeks you are in front of me not by my side. He would direct his voice to his front away from me and I would tell him to please speak towards me as my ears were behind him but there was no change. I tried holding his hand but he started dragging me along and I felt like I was being walked like a dog. When I realized that I'd been asking him directly to change his behavior every time we walked for about two years, I told him no more and he was amazed (and of course complained of rejection) when I followed through. I sit sometimes and watch wistfully as couples pass me walking side by side. How I wish my patience and efforts had been spent on someone receptive. I take responsibility for wasting my own time but I refuse to keep punishing myself for it. That's what I'm working on now.

[Bluebird]

I was also going to get my hearing tested!

Do you know for such a long time I excused the birthday/holiday planning imbalance because he would say "but you're good at it". Like as though being thoughtful or picking up the phone to book a dinner reservation was this special skill I had... urgh!

The dinner preparations is so frustrating. So often, he would take me getting the plates out to dish up as a cue to go and start having a shower. If I didn't wait the 15 minutes until he was done, I was the rude one! Ditto if I got frustrated if he waited until the exact moment we were due to leave for somewhere to reveal that he needed to change his clothes or to disappear to the toilet for 10 minutes.

Oh god the commitments and the calendar!! One thing he had really started to lean into was that if I had received the invitation for both of us (i.e a friend had text me saying "would you and xBPD like to go for some drinks on friday?" or my mum let me know my sisters birthday ) he wouldn't go because he hadn't received the invite personally. So although I had told him about it and put it in the calendar, it was "my event" and I would be going alone. Obviously this system did not apply if the roles were reversed.

My absolute pet peeve rudeness was when he would not say hello to people who came by the house. About 60% of the time he would, and might even offer a cup of tea or some chit chat. But 40% of the time, he would walk by as though they were not there at all. He refused to acknowledge that it was rude, or even that he had a problem with anyone visiting. He even said once "good luck finding anyone that will live up to these standards" as though saying hello to a friend or relation was like Downton Abbey level etiquette. It put me off letting people come round, which I think was probably the point of the exercise.

I haven't had the walking one but I can definitely see how annoying it would be! Another example of something they could do (at no cost!) to be pleasant or polite, but choose not to do.

It's so amazing how all these small rudenesses build over time, until they become like little power plays that really affect us. I like you, am now at the point where I am accepting responsibility for constantly believing that it could change. I also kept thinking "it's not a big deal/everyone has their quirks/suchabody says her husband does x annoying behaviour..." to soothe myself. It must be 100 x more frustrating and confusing when you have children to manage at the same time.

[NumbLotus]

He even said once "good luck finding anyone that will live up to these standards" as though saying hello to a friend or relation was like Downton Abbey level etiquette.

I quacked out loud at this.

[Cascade]

Yes, I have experienced a ton of small rude behaviours from my PD husband. Some are the same as others have already mentioned and more, plus I have him not only walking a couple of steps ahead of me but like ten or twenty feet, when we arrive somewhere together and he hops out of  the car and races away. He is prone to doing this when he is annoyed with me. 

[Lauren17]

Fae, your second post could have been written by me. I, too, have looked at other couples walking side by side with longing. My husband walks 2-3 feet or more ahead of me. And talks facing forward. And then gets angry and refuses to repeat himself. It's worse when we're in a strange place. Once he completely  lost DD and I in the Louvre. We stopped and texted him. He came back angry. How could I be so stupid as to not know where he was?
He's often finished gobbling down his meal in complete silence and has left the table before I'm done serving myself.
I'd really like to know more about how you handled the "why do I have be respectful but Daddy doesn't?" questions from the kids, without tearing him down. I've really been struggling with that.

[Fae Greenwood]

Wow, Lauren17, that really made me think. I suppose that answer belongs more in the parenting section. The short answer is that I talked a lot about behavior and that we choose how we behave. I did not talk about Dad's behavior directly except to clearly and proactively state that if my children acted in that way they would be punished as they knew it was unacceptable. Also I need to be clear that my uNPDh was never physically violent nor did he use foul language towards me. He had that line firmly set by his own mother. She was a difficult woman and I didn't mourn her death but I will give her credit for that. As I started coming Out of the FOG over the past 2 decades (Good Lord) I talked more about how we choose what we will tolerate off of others also. I got a lot of benefit from "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" and "Siblings Without Rivalry" which were both written by Faber and Mazlish.

[SparkStillLit]

Coming up every 20 min or so while I'm watching a show and clattering noisily about the kitchen.
Standing in front of silverware drawers/sink/etc and just parking there, doing nothing, while I'm working in kitchen.
Cutting in on freshly heated coffee pot. Not making me any.

[1footouttadefog]

Reading this thread is painful.  It hurts because it is a collection of the types of stuff I put up with for way too long and I now see them all as huge red flags but not them. 

Who took my flag detector when I was a kid?.  ....I hate you. 

[SparkStillLit]

When going places always a vague time to be ready. "Eleven-ish". Eleven comes and goes, and everyone had BETTER be ready at eleven sharp, because if he pops up and somebody so much as has to pee first, THERE WILL BE HELL.
But...say it's eleven thirty and he's still not upstairs. People will begin drifting about, doing other things. Suddenly at eleven thirty five he will come up and start shouting and yelling about why isn't anyone ready, and storming and fuming while everyone scrambles around stopping whatever they started doing when he wasn't showing up.
EVERY. TIME.
Like he expects everyone to just get ready on time, and then go into stasis until he's ready to go. He NEVER says, "be ready by eleven sharp" and then shows up at that time. That's too accountable. Nobody would be on the back foot. No yelling. No drama. Entirely too boring.

[Lauren17]

Fae, thank you.

1Foot, clearly there is a flag detector thief at large. Mine is missing too.

[SparkStillLit]

I thought of another, I'm on a tear! This one REALLY bugs me. He refuses to make another stop when he's out, even if it's on his way. You'll never ask him to pick up a pizza, for example, or stop at the grocery.
If he is at the grocery, he will not pick up extra items. Sometimes you can force the issue if it's one or two REALLY EASY things like milk and bread, but it's very difficult.
I have had to go out myself and get stuff when he's already been out or to the store.
Yet he expects ME to do this stuff in return. If *I* am out, can I go here or there or pick up pizza. If I am at the store, I get texts of get this that and the other.

[1footouttadefog]

Had the store issue check the temp of milk, mine was buying it then stopping again else where to get a hamburger and fries so going back was out of question .

[Akari]

My pd will track me on find my friends, when I'm near a store lol, then casually send a text asking if I go near a store to text him cause he "may need something." This usually leads to a wild goose chase around the store while on the phone trying to find items he needs. Sometimes I'll go into the store, call him, only to get a never mind response. He will go to the grocery or pick up things I need if he's out, BUT he never leaves the house.

-A

[StayWithMe]

My mother used to tell me about family activities like meeting for dinner the afternoon of that dinner.  Or she will tell me about a group lunch when I am leaving home for the day.  I had pissed off a few friends changing plans at the last minute for my family. 

I've learned that people don't change until you act like you don't care.

[SparkStillLit]

You have to be the most uncaring person in the universe. They just do things to get a rise out of you, it seems, and when one thing doesn't work, they switch to another. If blocking me in doesn't faze me, how about not letting me talk? No? Ignoring me? Walking off without me? Thwarting what I'm trying to do?
Does it END?

[StayWithMe]

Reading this thread is painful.  It hurts because it is a collection of the types of stuff I put up with for way too long and I now see them all as huge red flags but not them. 

Who took my flag detector when I was a kid?.  ....I hate you. 

I feel the same way.  but of course, if you repeat the incident to anyone else, they don't see a problem with it.  Even the therapist ........ should anyone be surprised as to why i despise therapists.

[HotCocoa]

Oh my gosh, the walking two steps in front of me.... I used to get mad at my ex for constantly doing that.  Why couldn't he walk with me?  If I said how rude it is, he would say, I was looking for a fight, I am so unreasonable, no one else sees it as a problem, just me and I am being ridiculous. 

I agree with you, just rudeness.  My child started doing that..I set them straight.  I am no slowpoke and it is rude to walk a few steps in front of someone you are with somewhere.  I started stopping when they did this.  Now they get a laugh out of it, "ok mom, I get it!"  It's gotten better but they need to know, wrong is wrong.  You are doing a good job, teaching them the little courtesies everyday goes a long way in life. 

[ICantThinkOfAName]

The walking thing yeah.  At times he would get embarrassed if he was supposed to hold a door open for me and realized that he was so far ahead he had to wait a while and would look around to see if anyone else noticed.  I just let him do it.  Anytime we went somewhere I would just pause a second and let him go.  At that time, I hoped that he would see how rude he was being, but he never did.  His reasoning was that he always knew the fastest way to get around.  He didn't want anyone leading him around.