Family roles

[Oscen]

I've noticed that lately, I seem to be getting scapegoated behind my back.
This coincides with me getting therapy, standing up for myself more, disagreeing with NPDM (and NPD/BPD S) more, just generally having an opinion and calling out things I don't agree with. Verboten in our family!

I've noticed because of the comments my sisters make on the rare occasions we talk - my younger sis has called me a "drama queen", just for joking around.
Older NPD/BPD sis has made passive aggressive comments about me making everything a competition. (Some truth to this, but there is background she conveniently forgets. She always used to compete with and dominate me growing up. She was 3 years older, so always won that fight. She's just pissed that now, as an adult, I have a chance of standing up to her).

As I live a long way from everyone else, it is all falling nicely into place to set me up as the family scapegoat and troublemaker, so that anything I say against our parents is already invalid.
So interesting, as this was not the role I played growing up. It's all very conveniently misremembering who I am, and misrepresenting how I behave.
My 3 sisters would all "choose" surrendering their autonomy to NPDM just to remain in her favour any day.

The hardest thing about going NC is knowing it will sever relationships with my sisters. But it is probably time to give up on these unrewarding relationships.

[overitall]

Oscen,

It took me a long, long time to recognize the family roles and disengage...my oldest sister (GC) was and still is, extremely jealous of anyone..my uBPDm made her "her best friend" since childhood and she's pretty difficult to take...GC believes she is the most beautiful (she's not) the smartest (she's not) and has to be the "boss" of everything and everyone...she has one friend that she met years ago, but other than that, people just can't deal with her...

Years ago, I became the first in the family to have a baby (God, forbid that SHE was supposed to have the first baby!)  She was furious and told me that she was the oldest and she should have the first baby (oh, okay, well sorry it didn't work out that way)  Fast forward decades and she and uBPDm succeeded in ruining all relationships in the family with their comparisons, jealously, smearing, etc.  My kids have zero relationship with their cousins and don't want one....my kids tried, but they realized eventually that any relationship involved too much drama and toxicity that it just wasn't worth it.

It's hard to let go of family, but sometimes it's the best choice...for me, I had to repeatedly ask myself "if these people were not family, would I have anything to do with them?"  Sadly, I realized that other than them being blood relatives, we have zero in common.  I cannot remember one single family event with FOO that was happy...

NC was the best decision for me and my family...In my mind, I have reframed them as "people I used to know."  You need to take care of yourself first....I hope this helps

[Oscen]

Thanks overitall, that does really resonate. I've been learning this year how to put myself first.
It's my life after all, right? I don't get to live one life to please them, and then a second shot to please myself. What's gone is gone. I want my future for me.

Your sister sounds so much like my eldest sister! There's 4 daughters (I'm number 3, so will call us S1, S2, myself/S3, and S4). She once got upset because I introduced myself to a family friend as S4, S2 & S1's sister... she was literally just upset because I'd said her name last!! Stopped to correct me with this look of confusion on her face! Even though the family friend was besties with S4, and knew S2 better as well. In her mind, it's ALWAYS got to be S1, S2, S3, S4. 

I'd always let her off the hook because I'm grateful she helped me a lot with living arrangements in my early 20s, and also I think she's autistic (there's lots of signs, our F probably is too, and she's even speculated herself), but rigidity and entitlement can be abusive, right? And growing up in a toxic environment, she's picked up on a lot of negative views that she doesn't seem capable of questioning. She's got a rigid hierarchy in her mind, and constantly pigeonholes everyone. Hmm. I'd been thinking of her as weird rather than toxic and thus feeling guilty thinking about considering NC (and I feel genuine gratitude, which does compound the guilt), but I've got to get real about this. It's my life and it's not really working for me with her and the rest in it.

Thanks for your comments again. Food for thought, and so validating to know I'm not alone in considering NC.

[Adria]

Oscen,

Little by little, I was realizing that I was being scapegoated by little comments from my sisters like, "I'm not stupid." Meaning that I was and she wasn't.   
I have two sisters (I'm the oldest) and my mom was triangulating them against me, so I think the comments were being repeated coming from my mom.  My sister was so jealous of me that when I had my first child (married), she had to go get pregnant right away (unmarried) and name the baby the same as I named mine.  And of course when I balked, everyone made me out to be the jealous sister.  It takes awhile to wrap your mind around it all because you don't want to believe it, but when we finally let ourselves realize what's going on, everything else starts making sense.  So scary and such a lonely feeling.   

When we are brave enough to see it for what it is, you are right. It's time to start living our lives on our terms because no matter what we do, we will never, ever come out on top with these people. The game is rigged and we're it.  I'm so sorry about all you are going through, and I wish you the best.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

Im sorry...I just have to ask Adria...are you kidding me with the childs name???  Im trying to let this sink in here?  I have never heard of this, can you explain with a little more detail.  Its like a car wreck that I cant take my eyes off of!!  OMG!!!

[Adria]

Blueheart,

Yup, I kid you not!  You can't make it up.  Within weeks of my pregnancy, she turns up pregnant with no intention to marry the guy, and when the baby was born, named the baby the same name I named mine. When I asked her why she would do something like that, she said that it was the father's request. 

Even if it was the father's request, I would have shot it down big time.  That is just a tiny glimpse into how insanely jealous she is.

[overitall]

My GC sis is still angry after all of these years because I had boys and she had girls....her daughters have been reminded by her throughout their lives that she wanted sons instead of daughters...can't make this stuff up...

[Oscen]

Adria, oh dear... I've seen other examples of "name thieving" on here - alarmingly common! Such an imposition on the identity of others.

I remember reading that another member's sister, who she was in no way close to, was going to call her baby her own name (the sister's name!).
They eventually went with a very similar (but not the same) name, with the same shortened form.
Don't know how people can possibly justify it to themselves - they play the bratty game of "it's our new baby so we can choose whatever we want" and it makes you the bad guy if you call out that BS for the screaming weirdo insanity it obviously is.

I mean, how many bloody baby names are there out there, but only the same as mine or my baby's name will do..? 

[nanotech]

Hi Oscan, yes that was my sister who named her first child a close version of my name- it  was going to be exactly the same as mine at first!
I protested about that quite a lot and was relieved when she appeared to listen at least a little.
It's still the same name when shortened!
It wasn't meant as  a compliment and it felt invasive. I felt very uneasy about it deep down. But yet again it was the kind of thing that was dressed up as a loving act.
I think that in most cases where this does happen, the family member is either far removed ( distant cousin or something) or has passed away!
Hmmm -Is it meant to 'obliterate' the first owner of that name? It certainly felt invalidating.
She was always jealous of my name.

Interestingly, when she was born ( firstborn) and my dad rang to see whether boy or girl,  (it was the 50s! )the nurse on duty made a mistake and told dad he had a son!
Then he went to visit and discovered no, a daughter!
Boys are really overvalued in our family. It clearly started early, and mum, to 'make it up ' to dad I think, told him he could name the baby himself.
I can't believe she just handed the whole thing over to him. They had had a boys name ready of course.
With great imagination lol he decided to name her the same name as my mum!
The pattern of repetition was set?!
He did it without checking that mum was ok with it. She wasn't, but she didn't cause a fuss.
It's as if she had to apologise to him for producing a girl, and the mix up on the phone had really revealed his disappointment to her I think.
This is the story dad told at sister's 50th birthday party.
That she hadn't been a boy, but that he had thought she was for a while.
That was what dad chose to speak about in front of friends and family. after she'd had 50 years of living  on the planet! Nothing else!
Not even any cute childhood or teenage anecdotes. Nope!
I felt it was a kind of shaming, dressed up as a loving act. 
When mum found out he'd called her after her, I think SHE felt replaced, so they agreed to call my sister by by her middle name!
I think my sister always felt she wasn't properly named, but that I WAS.
She also said that the choice of my name was the father's request.
It's interesting how often that crops up.

[Oscen]

Hi Nanotech,

Yes, I remember reading the story about your niece's name a while ago, it really stuck in my head.
God, your father naming your sister after your mother... it sounds like she failed him (the mother), so he replaced her (with her daughter)!
That's a horrible story about his speech at your sister's birthday.

It's funny because in the past, and even nowadays in other cultures, passing down names was incredibly common so it's no big deal then/there.
But here, nowadays.... I find it all very weird and creepy.

Obliterate is a good word for it.
Obliterate in a narcissistic way - narcs are parasites, not predators.
They don't actually want to destroy you, because:
a) they hate fair competition, and
b) they fear their ability to move on and find another source.
They want to subdue you, feed off you, and drain you, so that you continue to exist but only for their benefit.
So they're obliterating your uniqueness, and your identity as an individual.
Eliminating those boundaries, the cellular walls that protect you, so they can just reach out and feed.
Ugh.