Engagement

[Oscen]

I got engaged in June.

I'm vvvvvlc with my family, who live in another country.
I sent a brief email a couple of weeks after, just the most basic info. They would have seen it posted on Facebook anyway.
About 2 months after that, I got an email saying congratulations from NPDM and then updating me about her life, as she always does.

The thing is, I really don't want to invite my parents to the wedding.
Was disgusted with how they behaved at my eldest sister's wedding.

First, they moaned together, agreeing that she would be a bridezilla. She wasn't. But no honesty means no accountability, right? Because it was all bitching behind her back, they never had to say sorry.

Then, they moved on to saying that her husband-to-be was the bridezilla. He wasn't. But again, no accountability...

They complained about money that they'd given them, feeling it meant they should have had more say in planning the wedding... but never discussed this with sister.
They just think they can buy compliance.

They also complained that they were seated at the same table as the wedding photographer - a good friend of my sister and her hubby, and as my father is an avid photographer, they thought they'd found a good solution. Not according to my NPDF, who snarled that he'd been seated with the "help". But never spoke to my sister about it. Just added it to his little collection of petty grievances to cart around with him till death.

And really, what was it all about? I finally realised, my parents are deeply resentful of anyone else being the centre of attention. That's not what us daughters are for. Graduations, dance recitals, school assemblies where we won awards, had all been attended so grudgingly, enough to suck all the joy and pride out of such moments. It all made so much sense, finally.

I don't want them there at my wedding. Don't want to be dealing with their nonsense, steeling myself for confrontation and petty explosions, or little passive-aggressive mocking statements, intended to ruin one of the rare occasions I am centre of attention.

But the alternative is, being that person who doesn't have their living parents there at their wedding. Facing wedding guest's curiosity. Deciding whether to invite my sisters, but not my parents. Knowing that without my parents there, they probably won't come anyway.

I've realised that's the crappy thing about being victimised. It's not just the things that are done to you. It's the fact that you are forced to make choices that no-one should have to make, and you, and only you, have to live with the consequences.

Still pondering where to go with this. It's making it very hard to look ahead to the future and move on with my life.

[GettingOOTF]

I'm not even engaged and not likely to be soon and this is one of my biggest worries about NC - how it will look to everyone, what they will say because my family isn't there.

I also live in a different country. I got married in 2000 and my family wasn't there. I didn't give it any thought. I was deep in the FOG and it was totally natural that my family wouldn't make the effort to come. I never questioned it and told everyone they couldn't travel.

Now I see how messed up it was that they didn't make any effort. Now I'm NC so wouldn't invite them and as I'm pretty much Out of the FOG I see it differently.

My therapist says that people who care about you will understand.

You have somewhat of an out as you can say they are unable to travel.

[Seven]

Out of us 7 kids there have been 10 marriages.  Parents were only at 4 of those ceremonies.   Most of the ceremonies were elopements.

It's an option. I must also say it's super cost-effective and there was no stress.

[illogical]

...I don't want them there at my wedding. Don't want to be dealing with their nonsense, steeling myself for confrontation and petty explosions, or little passive-aggressive mocking statements, intended to ruin one of the rare occasions I am centre of attention.

But the alternative is, being that person who doesn't have their living parents there at their wedding. Facing wedding guest's curiosity. Deciding whether to invite my sisters, but not my parents. Knowing that without my parents there, they probably won't come anyway.

I've realised that's the crappy thing about being victimised. It's not just the things that are done to you. It's the fact that you are forced to make choices that no-one should have to make, and you, and only you, have to live with the consequences.

Still pondering where to go with this. It's making it very hard to look ahead to the future and move on with my life.

Hi Oscen,

You're right-- there are often "no good choices" when dealing with PDs.

It sounds like you've done a pretty thorough cost-benefit analysis.  That will help you make your decision. 

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

[lotusblume]

Congratulations on your engagement!

I am also engaged and have struggled with this for a long time, but now that I am officially NC and have my eyes wide open, the decision is easier.

You said that you don't want to have your parents there, with good reason. Maybe you can focus on making your plans, figuring out when you want to get married, where, and how. Plan for what YOU want, and try to focus on you and your fiance. Then when it's time to send out invitations, you can make the decision. This way you don't have to plan around them.

As for wedding guests judging you, it's really not important as it seems. People are curious but if anyone asks you on that day where your parents are it would be out of place, and not their business. You can simply say, they were unable to travel and change the subject. I'm sure on your wedding day people will be more focused on you and your SO than asking questions about your parents.

Wishing you the best!

[hibiscus]

You don't need your parents to be there, ruining one of the most special days in your  life.   (You can, of course, feel free to do what you like, but this is my strongly-held opinion.)  Why they are not there is nobody's business but yours.  The day is for you and your partner, so you get to decide with whom you want to share it.

I had a tiny wedding -- almost not a wedding at all, really.  (I've always been against big weddings.)  But one person nonetheless decided to poke her nose into my affairs and told me beforehand that I should really invite my BM.   I just brushed it off.  In the end, it was a great decision.  I still cherish the memory of that day -- the beautiful simplicity of it, our flouting of all conventions, and the fact that only the minimum number of people required were there.

Please try to focus as much as you can on yourself.  Live your day the way you want it.  Don't let anyone else interfere.  Good luck, and my best wishes!