Returning gifts?

Started by Morocha2015, December 04, 2019, 10:07:15 AM

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Morocha2015

I've been NC with my foo for one year now. Both parents still text, email, call, and send letters, even though I don't respond back. Everything they say either ignores that there is a problem, or puts everything back on me. There's no remorse or admission of wrongdoing.

They've only met two of my children once and haven't met our youngest. They still send birthday and Christmas gifts with notes for the kids, and said they wouldn't stop. We've donated the other items, but DH suggested this Christmas maybe we return the gifts to Amazon. This way they get their money back and maybe get the idea we don't want them.

I've heard others caution against that because it's still a response, although technically we'd be going through Amazon. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

illogical

Quote from: Morocha2015 on December 04, 2019, 10:07:15 AM
I've been NC with my foo for one year now. Both parents still text, email, call, and send letters, even though I don't respond back. Everything they say either ignores that there is a problem, or puts everything back on me. There's no remorse or admission of wrongdoing.

They've only met two of my children once and haven't met our youngest. They still send birthday and Christmas gifts with notes for the kids, and said they wouldn't stop. We've donated the other items, but DH suggested this Christmas maybe we return the gifts to Amazon. This way they get their money back and maybe get the idea we don't want them.

If you send them back to Amazon, it gives your parents an excuse to text/email or call and ask why?  I don't think they will assume you don't want them.  How could you possibly not want a gift from them?  (lol)

My suggestion would be to follow your previous plan and donate them.  That way, your parents don't have an excuse to call you to find out why you returned them.  Of course, they could still call and ask if you received them.

Have you blocked their number?  That might send more of the message you don't want to engage.
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

JustKat

If your parents are anything like mine, returning the gifts, even to Amazon probably won't end well. They'll be notified that the items were returned which will give them the chance to play the victim and tell everyone how awful you are for returning Christmas gifts they sent to their grandchildren. Or as Illogical said, it might give them an excuse to call/text you and ask why they were returned, if the children didn't like the items, if they can buy something different, and so on. It's really nice of you to be concerned about them getting their money back, but you didn't ask for these gifts. They were forced on you, so I wouldn't feel bad about any money they may have spent.

I'd just continue donating the items. When it comes to PD parents and NC, I've found the best response is no response.

Morocha2015

#3
Thank you for your thoughts! All calls are blocked, but M found a loophole where she can call my voicemail from hers. Texts go to a blockbox on my phone that DH checks occasionally, same with emails going to a junk folder. DH intercepts all mail, but he said it wears on him too and he doesn't want to do it forever.

It's frustrating because M is convinced this is a problem I have with her that I need to get over, and refuses to see that she hurts everyone and my kids are being protected from her. I worry the gifts will never stop. I can't control her, so maybe this will be an annoyance I have to learn to live with? I've thought about breaking NC to tell her to stop, but I don't want to have a back and forth, which it would inevitably lead to, with everything being my fault.

GettingOOTF

I changed my phone number and email address. Both of which were a huge pain. I'd had the email since the early days of email and it was connected to every single account. It took me a week to go through and change everything and a couple of months later I'm still finding random accounts I need to change.

The phone number was also a pain. Many sites now send you a text which of course I didn't get on my new phone.

I was very angry during the whole process. It felt very unfair. Now I wish I did it years ago. It's such a relieved l knowing that I don't have to dread the phone ringing or checking my email.  I also did the blocking and sending to a folder, but that requires interacting with the content. I feel much more at peace now.


JustKat

#5
Quote from: Morocha2015 on December 05, 2019, 09:42:29 AM
I worry the gifts will never stop. I can't control her, so maybe this will be an annoyance I have to learn to live with? I've thought about breaking NC to tell her to stop, but I don't want to have a back and forth, which it would inevitably lead to, with everything being my fault.

The gifts probably won't stop no matter what you do, though telling her stop will quite likely cause her to double down and send even more stuff while playing the victim and telling everyone how much you hurt her.

When I went NC my "final straw" moment was actually an argument over Christmas gifts. I had just moved into a new house that was very tiny and in bad shape. It was right before Christmas and I asked my Nmother if she would forgo actual gifts and give us a gift card to Home Depot so we could make repairs. She exploded. Christmas was a huge deal for her and she used over-the-top gift giving as a way of showing the world what a great mother she was. The presents under the tree would literally be piled to the ceiling, often gifts from the dollar store, but she needed a large quantity to photograph and send to everyone. When I asked for a single gift card she came unhinged. What followed was a multi-page letter attacking me and telling me how I had hurt everyone in the family for rejecting their presents.

Short story, I went NC and never attended another family Christmas again.

BUT, the gifts kept coming every year. Each year I got the dreaded "Christmas box of doom," often filled with gag gifts and nasty letters, all designed to trigger me. This went on for about eight years and continued until she passed away five years ago. After she died, my enFather continued to send gifts for two years. Nmother had always bought all the gifts so he sent things like fruit baskets, not knowing what else his daughter might actually want or need. I think he was just brainwashed into continuing the tradition. He finally gave up, maybe because there was a lack of response or maybe because of his advancing age, I'm not sure. These days I only get a card.

I can't speak for what other N parents would do, but they're all so much alike, I'd have to think that any rejection of their gifts will result in things getting worse. If you ignore them they'll probably still continue, but there's a chance that they might eventually give up when they realize they aren't triggering a response.

Either way, I'd expect it to continue for a while. It sucks, but Christmas and gift-giving are important tools in their "perfect parent" toolbox, and they don't let go of it easily.

hibiscus

#6
I agree with JustKathy.  If you ask her to stop sending gifts, she will send even more, because she will know then that it bothers you.  Indeed, the fact that you broke NC because of it will lead her to conclude that this is what it takes to get you to break NC .  I cut off contact with my narcissistic BM about six years ago.  Occasionally, an e-mail gets through my filter.  In the e-mails, she invariably tells me about how she did something (involving me -- I don't want to provide details because she might read it and identify me) I asked her not to do decades ago.  Narcissists, at least in my experience, are all about control and disrespect.  By doing what I asked her not to do, she tries to communicate to me that she has no respect for my wishes, and that she's still the one who is really in control of my life.

When you get something from her, just remind yourself that she's not really in control, even though you feel like she is.  To make it easier on yourself, you could just throw out the gifts immediately.   You don't need to open the box and donate what's inside.  Just throw it out.  It's wasteful, but so many people are so disgustingly wasteful these days that it'll only be a drop in the bucket.

Leonor

OMG, "Christmas Box of Doom"! For years we received the ridiculously expensive Thanksgiving Gourmet Basket, which we donated to the volunteers in our local soup kitchen. They loved it, we felt good and yes, there was a moment of naughty glee wondering what my NM would think if she knew that her hundreds of dollars of fancy food was turned over to a shelter for people who were Not Her Kind.  ;D