trying not to contact...

[oldboy]

thanks, D Dan - that might work. but it would still be sitting there.

[SparkStillLit]

I don't know how it got set up like this, but I have to look for my gmail junk box, it doesn't sit front and center like my inbox does. That way, any of those emails wouldn't be....so noticeable. You could more easily keep them on ignore while you learn to keep HER on ignore, and if she doesn't get fresh supply off you, one hopes she will GO AWAY.

[oldboy]

day 10 - i think my story is getting boring. to me!

i'm still reeling from the trick she pulled on me yesterday - a note filled with hard-to-believe promises of never ending friendship and love, telling me she finally feels free 'like you always wanted for me' (now that i'm dumped) and a link to what looked like another one of her 'inspirational' YouTube videos.
i took a while for me to fall for it enough to click the link, which of course was the Elliott Smith song "you're just someone that i used to know". the whole thing was a carefully planned knife to the heart (sorry, Elliott).

the back story is that i spent years encouraging her to feel free and to believe in herself, and showing her her worth in many different ways. none of what i did was controlling or possessive. i loved her and showed it every time i ever saw her.
she fought me every step of the way - never an atom of trust, constant accusations and guilt trips, miserable nights listening to her complain about everyone she knows and everything in her life. she always insisted that her actions and thoughts were not her choice, the were caused by things people did to her before i met her. if i offered any other view, suddenly i was the cause of her unhappiness.

i don't understand why a person would put so much effort into breaking the heart of their closest friend. i don't get why someone would work so hard to avoid happiness, and to deny the love that was plainly obvious to everyone else. why a person would reject a simple, easy peace but embrace a pointless, unwinnable battle.

this is too sad, i'm too sad. i'm not in danger of hurting myself, but i need to stop caring. it's a skill (not caring) that i apparently don't have. i was used by an emotional predator, then devalued and discarded. i hope that when (not if) i get this garbage out of my heart that i still have the ability to trust and be open. i don't want to get old and die alone. i don't want to end up like her, hating love and loving battle.

there's just nothing good about this.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Oldboy
You are at the beginning of your new life but it doesn't feel like it yet. And it won't for the next couple months.
Right now you have two essential tasks to complete. The first is to stay completely NC.  Easier said than done but it's the only way. If it helps, do some research on trauma bonding and brain chemistry. It certainly helped me through the first few, white knuckle, weeks. NC is your key to healing and happiness.
The other thing you must do is radical self care. I cut out drinking as it is a depressant and wasn't helping me at all. I got a cute dog for cuddles and oxcytocin and I walk him everyday for endorphins. Worked a treat. I learnt as much as possible about codependency and PDs. I cried, lots. I reached out to friends, lots. I got involved here and on a couple of other sites as the support and experience of others in our situation was/is incredibly helpful.

Please see your recovery as a journey (it's a cliche but it works). Or perhaps a pilgrimage.  One which we walk together.
Much love.

[oldboy]

very rough day, but ok.
at 2AM she sends me a note "no one knew we were a couple, not even a clue"

different responses ran through my head:
• "i knew - did you?"
• "we were a couple?"
• "then i guess you're good at keeping a secret"
that last one was tempting, since it pinpointed the hypocrisy of her implied accusation.

but then i realized that after all her talk about her new life, new guy, freedom, promises of friendship to me, and yes - love (but not romantic love now, not since last week at some point) she still is sitting up alone in the middle of the night trying to figure out how to blame me for her own carefully cultivated misery. i'm not buying it.

i did not respond. 10 days NC!
i've been lonely, sad and scared but i think i'm going to make it out of this trap.

[oldboy]

i broke it.
she was sending late night messages (meant to tell me she was alone at night) and phone calls, which i didn't answer, but later i listened to the message - a wailing, tearful lament about losing her friend (me). i wrote back a two sentence explanation, quoting her last words before the NC back to her.
i got back a long series of evasions, accusations, illogical conclusions, bragging, insults, and lies. so like an idiot i spent a couple hours carefully wording a response. it was ridiculed and disregarded.
that was followed by notes saying how much she hoped i'd be her friend.

so for the first time, i just now sent her a note telling her that i give up, she's hurt me too much for me to be her friend, and goodbye.

i hope there is no answer. i will ignore any answer - as i did for twelve days - but now i know to also ignore any crying desperate messages about losing her son or her son's dad's cancer or her mother hating her, etc. it all a cruel game with me as designated victim. she can dump that crap on her new guy.

but i am bothered that i fell off the wagon. i should have known better - i DID know better, but i wrote to her hoping she'd be a friend. ugh. it was much too easy for her to get another knife in. and once i answered, all her tears and concerns disappeared - she had her supply and didn't need me anymore. i'd been had.

so tomorrow is Day1 of NC again. i will be my own friend and go about my business, do what i do, and tell myself what i know until it sinks in far enough to keep me safe. i hope. i sure don't feel safe now.

[Boat Babe]

Lots of us have fallen off the wagon. Don't beat yourself up over it.
My fall off the wagon utterly rammed home the message that he would never, ever change. I'm actually glad it happened as it totally strengthened my resolve to rebuild my life.  My life is still a work in progress and I think it will never be "done" but I am free of him and the toxic insanity. Hoo frikkin Ray!

Do some freestyle journalling. I put stuff on paper that I needed to read. It was/is a fabulous tool for insight, healing and loads of other useful stuff. Just start writing about your feelings and the rest will follow. Keep us updated.

[oldboy]

thanks, BB -
i'm slightly glad about it because her responses were so calculated, cynical and sadistic that there's no doubt left in my mind that the friendship is dead. Day1 (today) is very sad but i know it gets better. tomorrow will be Day2...

[oldboy]

yes, today is Day2. i did not read the emails, but i stashed them so i can choose to read them when i'm stronger if i want to. i know she's gone from toxic to truly poisonous, and i can tell she isn't satisfied with the damage i let her do so far - there's LOTS more where that came from.
i was thinking that what she's doing shows the essence of "cheating" - no, we have no 'relationship' but she's trying to keep me as an emotional dump so that she can be sweet for the new guy. so he won't see what she does after she's known you for a while. the danger for me is a sneaky hope that she'll rage at him as she has so many times at me and at most of the people who care for her. that would probably make her available again - i'm far better off with her throwing her power of attraction anywhere but at me. i'd rather be a lonely old man than go back to hell.
i don't want to think about her. but the pull on my heartstrings is tremendous - some stupid part of me wants to redeem myself there somehow, even though i know that's impossible.
i also realize that my instinct that she's misused is basically a good one - long term, solid attachment comes naturally to me. it worked for me back when i had a loyal partner, but this one doesn't understand the concept of trust or loyalty. i absolutely have to keep on with leaving her, but i need to take my heart with me - i'm going to need it someday.

[NumbLotus]

Don't read the emails when you're stronger. Don't read them at all.

She has proved to you that the emails contain nothing but pain that she is consciously trying to make you feel. There's nothing but malevolence. You gain nothing by sticking your nose in front of her swinging fist.

Are you curious what's in there?

You know what's in there. And you don't need it.

You can set up a new email address, change your bills to go there, give your trusted family and friends the new account, and abandon the old one.

Or set her emails to be spam/junk. They go into the spam folder after that and will be automaticalky deleted in 30 days. Don't peek in the folder. You'll never even know she sent you anything.

I can feel the pain you are in and I'm sorry. Stay the course.

[oldboy]

NumbLotus - this is clearly good advice. junk folder should do it. i'll take off my glasses to move them because even the titles are poison.

and you're right - i do know what's in there. i've read hundreds of versions of the same thing for years now, and each one was worse than the one before.

just now i put them in the junk/spam folder then emptied the folder. that should do it.

[oldboy]

what is this, Day3? or zero?
a bunch more emails from the X. didn't read them but in the instant without glasses that it took to select and trash them i saw that she had responded line-by-line to a note from before. she must have put some work nto it. so then i felt sorry for her, wasting all that effort. of course then i remembered the hundreds of hours i put into letters explaining my point of view and position, and how none of it ever did any good.
all those times the only responses i got were to ridiculous misinterpretations of the first sentence in each note. so it was just like trying to talk to her - as soon as she heard three words out of me it was enough for her to cut me off to berate me for something she knew i didn't say or mean. she never showed any concern, caring , sympathy, compassion, or understanding for me and the wasted hours of effort i made.
so why do i care for hers? it used to be because i loved her, but this doesn't feel like love anymore. when i remember, i miss giving her love and caring, but that's me doing that. i don't miss how she treated me at all.

i am SO enmeshed and trapped - even though i'm sending her nothing and i'm actually many miles from her now. my mind is trained to look out for her, to take care of her, to come up with ideas to make her life better - things that a normal mate would notice and be thankful for. for years i've counted on my ideas and hope for comfort - things were never actually good, but they were always just about to be. in reality there was no change at all.

but there's a strong wind pulling me backwards toward the thing that never came true, the love that never came home, the new day that never saw the light. i'm usually not a stupid person. for her i was a fool, and i suffered for my foolishness. i wish i could tell my closest friend of years and years about the awful things this woman has done and is doing to me, but sadly they are the same person, so i can't.

[oldboy]

i miss her terribly.
i woke up and she's not here. i looked at my email for messages from her to delete without reading, and i was sad that there were none. no comments secretly aimed at me on my friend's FB pages. no phone messages, no texts.
it seems i've switched my attachment to sending her away, and the small feeling of freedom and relief from purposely not doing what she wanted. if i contact her she will eviscerate me again - my sadness is to her like the smell of blood to a shark. but i tricked myself into using my rejection of her as contact.
in the absence, the things i loved about her, and the visions of what i always hoped for are as vivid as the memories of the brutality and hate that was always waiting for one small 'error' on my part. my brain doesn't want to remember being hated, lied to, slandered, deserted, sabotaged, insulted, used and discarded. it wants to remember the brief moments when she seemed to love me and value my friendship. like panning for gold - you throw away the mud and keep the shiny bits.

i'm not doing well with this.

[NumbLotus]

Oldboy, I'm sorry to see you in so much pain.

Is there something lurking under the surface that goes beyond your wife? What was your FOO like?

[oldboy]

thanks - NumbLotus
she's not technically my wife, but...
anyhow, yes - my FOO was a nightmare. i described it some in some early posts. uNPD both parents. neglect, abuse, backstabbing, sabotage - all the usual Scapegoat stuff. i started out really smart - learned to tie my shoes when i was 2, taught myself to read at 3... then a series of concussions took away my quickness and what i vaguely recall was a very accurate memory system. that made me less of a threat, i guess.
i'm the only person who knows how mean my parents were. and looking back, i've only chosen girlfriends (even a wife) who enjoyed hurting me. i can see now that other, healthy girls liked me - but i always thought i wasn't good enough for them, no matter what they said. in hindsight i can see that being abused felt like Home to me. everyone loves Home, even if it's on fire.

[NumbLotus]

Sorry for mislabelling your relationship.

That all sounds like a lot. Really, a lot.

Sorry I don't know your backstory and maybe you've already been doing work on this, but it sounds to me like CPTSD might be a factor for you, and I wonder if it would be helpful to do some Inner Child/self reparentimg work and maybe even EMDR and such.

Because you definitely don't deserve this. This is torture. You deserve peace.

[oldboy]

well, well...
so i answered one of her many phone calls tonight, and now i don't miss her at all. after a few minutes of her complaining about everyone except her new boyfriend, it was exactly the same garbage as before. no logic, utter hypocrisy, raging paranoia and all the standard guilt trips, accusations, threats, insults, etc. it was ugly, stupid and much less painful to hear because none of it hit home. i only felt bad for her, not myself.

that ain't "home", that ain't love, and that's not my future. i'd rather be alone if that's my choice. i could do better, and i doubt i could do worse.

[oldboy]

so far i really do feel better. i did look for messages, etc, but i wasn't sad that there were none.
and i have 'stuff to do' and some people are counting on me for things today.
right now i feel no need for redemption. her problems are not mine.

this might be progress, or just the 'eye of the storm' for me. i've been so tricked and fooled both by her manipulations and by my own fantasies of peace and love, that i hesitate to trust myself here.
but for now i can breathe.

[oldboy]

nothing else has happened in the real world, but as the time goes by the things she said are sinking in. i don't believe what she said about me, but the fact that she made a real effort to make discarding me as painful as she could manage means something even to my addicted and deeply attached brain.
there is no good reason to compose and deliver lies designed to trash and erase our past. she told me she had been lying all along about us, and suddenly claimed the opposite of important things she's always said to me. lies - things like that she's always wanted to be free and resented our exclusive relationship - which was not only her choice, but the whole time she's been pathologically jealous, suspicious, and punishing me for her own ideas. the details are are far worse than what i'm saying here.

i don't know whether to take all the real and joyful memories of the love we shared (in between her rages) and trash them, call them lies and believe her that i was never really loved - or to keep believing what it always looked like to me - an excellent match that was harmed almost daily and eventually ruined by her obvious mental illness. i don't feel like i loved a bad person, but a very sick one (she is well aware of her illness and is on disability for it).
but the skillfully delivered malice she dumped on me as a finale makes me wonder if this person is just plain evil. yes, no friend of mine - i get that much. does anything else matter? i don't want to be a bitter old man, i don't want to 'live a lie', but most of all i don't want to be treated like that ever again by anyone. i don't want to run from the truth, i want to know the truth and i want it to set me free.

but i don't know if i have any way of knowing what is true here. her words contradict each other in the extreme - often she claimed opposite things the same day, sometimes in the same sentence. am i letting the babblings of an idiot hurt me? should i simply flush every thought of her until they stop coming to me? i am missing what was always missing. she never actually allowed peace or growth. there was little to no progress after years of struggle, and now she claims to have a suddenly successful relationship that is everything she never felt with me, someone who understands her, believes it all, and they have joy in bed - unlike all the stress, accusations, never-ending detailed complaints, sudden violent angry interruptions, etc that i had to endure to be next to her.
i can remember times before i was with her, when sex was a joyful, cooperative, relaxing and fullfilling activity. i can remember gratitude - i haven't seen it in a long time.

sticks and stones can break my bones but words can break my heart. i know i will need someone else, but nobody wants to be "someone else". i'll have to wait until 'someone else' becomes simply 'someone'.
right now that seems like it will never happen.

[SparkStillLit]

I just don't think you can take what she says at face value.  I'm sorry to tell you that, but IMO you aren't going to get closure with these types of folks and trying to do so is just going to drive you craaaaayyyyzaaaayyyy.
Just for the record, my h displays exactly that behavior during a fight. Saying totally opposite things, saying he never wanted this, after saying it's the best thing ever. If I point up the discrepancy, he tells me he lied. It's CLASSIC crazy-making. I won't even engage in a "conversation" that has descended to that level anymore, I have walked away long before that point, these days.
Don't buy a ticket on the crazy train. Just walk away. Accept that you'll never have the kind of closure you want from people like that, and like in the movie, Let It Go.
Or like my mushroom tea towel, Let That Shiitake Go.