unDPD Dad w/Parkinson's Disease that I am taking to Thanksgiving

[grey_area]

My unDPD has played the poor me role like a champ since I have been born. Now that he has Parkinson's Disease he looks the part. I try to MC as much as I can, but do my best to incorporate him into Holiday's/Birthdays. Out of Guilt I invited him over for dinner last week. I told him to come over at 5pm for dinner. He came over 2 hours early waking up my DH and infuriating me. It drains me to have him in the room while trying to take care of my family and dinner. I was so mad I did not let him in and told him to come back at 5pm. He did his poor me shuffle saying, "I tried to follow all your rules, and I just can't seem to please you." Me, "What rule? I said come over at 5 for dinner?" Feeling like I did something horrible for inviting my Dad for dinner. I was ashamed because my neighbors might have overheard.
To minimize my frustration, I told him that I would pick him up at a coffee shop today and take him to Thanksgiving. Giving him the address 3 times via text and voicemail, he couldn't find the right coffee shop and called confused multiple times. He said he checked into a Motel nearby. Wise he did that, but I freaked  what if he knocks on the door and disrupts us again. I was paralyzed, I couldn't move forward with baking with my kids or anything. How does he do this?
Advice for coping today? My family will see his aging self and judge why I haven't done more to help or cater to him. I have offered to help him get walker, caretaker, budget, etc. He refuses all help I have offered stating, "I want to be independent as long as possible!"
Side note: My Dad divorced my Mom 30 years ago and still adores her. My mom has BPD and I have been NC with her for 2 1/2 years.
I would appreciate your perspective and suggestions. Happy Thanksgiving!

[LeeJane]

Hi Grey Area

I don't have any words of wisdom but did want to send you support, hugs and understanding. Your post sent a shudder through me.

I have been in such a similar situation.

Both my parents have died. Peace has broken out! Thank goodness.

[lkdrymom]

What is it with the showing up super early to things?  My father does this.  If he was watching my kids after school one day he would show up at my house at noon (and eat me out of cold cuts in my fridge) yet the kids did not get off the bus until nearly 3pm.  We were invited to a party. I heard this through him. I asked him what time it started...he said 11am. I thought that was WAY too early so we did not arrive until 1pm....it didn't start until 3pm. I refuse to accept any invite that goes through him now.  When he still drove I would tell him to be at my home a certain time and he would be 2 hours early.  I'd be ok with 30 minutes early....but 2 hours!

[grey_area]

Thanks for the support so far. I am glad this showing up early thing is typical. What a burden, makes me not want to invite him at all. 

[practical]

I don't have much advice, but here is what I have:

Throughout try to stay calm, try to breath a few times before responding, if you need additional time say "I didn't hear you" or some such statement.

Remind yourself that you are an adult now and this is a transient state, several hours, but he will leave again. What helped me was looking at my hands, adult hands, to remind myself I'm no longer a child with no way out.

Try to seat him as far away as possible from you and DH. Do you have anybody at your dinner table who would take care of him? Listen to him, help him? Either because they they are fixers/martyrs or they have the patience to do it and not your baggage, might even be willing to help you out? My MIL isn't PD, but she is difficult and DH has a lot of unhappy history with her, so when we see her, I take care of her, keep her engaged, because for me she isn't triggering.

My family will see his aging self and judge why I haven't done more to help or cater to him. I have offered to help him get walker, caretaker, budget, etc. He refuses all help I have offered stating, "I want to be independent as long as possible!"

I know this situation all to well, especially the refusal to accept help while playing the victim, and it is a classic no-win situation. So try to do what is best for you and your FOC, you cannot control other people, neither how your F behaves nor what the rest of your family thinks.

[grey_area]

Practical: Just what I needed to hear. Your suggestions are so simple but in a state of anxiety can't come to me. I like the adult hands. There will be other "helpers." I can ask they help "serve" my Dad, so I can focus on serving my young kids.

Really? The classic refusal to accept help while  playing the victim. Typical no-win. Thanks for putting words and wisdom to my experience. While at times I feel like I am alone in these circumstances, I know I am not. 

[LeeJane]

You absolutely are not alone. My mum always turned up very early too. No thought to that I may have been busy with other things.

My mum and dad both wallowed in victim role. Nauseous. Refused help preferred to wallow and tell their sad tale to anyone deft enough to listen.

[SquarePegs80]

My NMIL is early to everything and snubs her nose at anyone that isn't.  If we invited her to things hubby and I would have a big laugh about it and say her reaction would be to hop in the car and speed on over on 2 wheels, we would get a big laugh about it until she arrived. 

[grey_area]

Thanks for sharing your stories 

[Frozen34]

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. My dad is uDPD and has some form of dementia for sure as his memory is terrible. Even if he writes something down he always manages to lose it somehow.

[Pepin]

So sorry to hear about this....and I can relate.  PDMil also showed up early to our home when the kids were napping and DH and I were relaxing.  Somehow asking her and FIL to come over at 4 meant they would show up between 2-3pm?  Absurd.  She wanted to feed DH with food she made and brought and also have him go through her mail and bills with her....and of course talk....before our children woke from their naps.  No, our kids did not like waking up to other people in the house after naps!

Finally DH told her to stop this....and I am sure she was insulted.  But, who does this?  PDs.

And PDMil has been diagnosed with mild Parkinsons now....and I am sorry but, I think it has been there longer than the recent diagnosis.  Her MD is horrible and obviously PDMil doesn't know how to communicate with her MD so.... many health things have been missed.     Her memory is also awful now and DH has been incredibly frustrated.