Being pushed too far

[Pepin]

I hate to have to post over here when I spend the majority of my time posting in the In-Laws category but DH's fleas are getting too big!

A week or so ago he was complaining about having to be the caretaker for his mother, PDMil and how his siblings just don't seem to understand the stress of it.  And it is true, his siblings more or less live their own lives on their own terms -- which is clearly a disappointment to PDMil who then badmouths her other children to DH and they both ultimately agree that they are not being thoughtful toward PDMil!!     Gang mentality.

What irks me is that last sentence....because DH has no business getting between his siblings and his mother.  But he does it anyway.  He will reach out to the most distant sibling and literally rat them out to call their mother.  It is a control for DH to do this at the hand of his mother who has trained him so well. 

The other red flag that I notice is how DH lately has become very short tempered and even arrogant.  He refuses to see anyone else's side of things and loves to engage in those ridiculous circular conversations where he plays victim.

Lastly, DH is becoming so disconnected from the kids and I.  He asks a lot of irrelevant, annoying and quite frankly, dumb questions.  I am not sure if he is looking to get some kind of rise out of us or what.  He sure doesn't seem to know what is going on but he sure keeps tabs on his own mother.

This is a man I do not know anymore.  I thought he was making some strides at de - fleaing himself and now I am floored at the realization that he is becoming a full blown PD thanks to his enmeshment with his mother.  There is no doubt in my mind that when PDMil expires that the kids and I will likely be on the receiving end of DH becoming unhinged.  He won't know what to do with himself by not having to worry about her anymore and my greatest fear is that he will engage in self destructive behavior.  For whatever reason, he only sees and has seen his mother as a good person -- yet for the 20+ years that I have known her, I would have to disagree.  The way she treated her husband, her children, grandchildren and inlaws is terrible in many ways -- yet she gets to perch on that pedestal that is mainly supported by my DH!

As for DH, I'm getting tired of his behavior.  I really am.  I love him but only for the man he used to be.  I miss the way he was with our children.  Our children resent him for not being there for them - instead he runs to his aging mother.  I've been acting as a buffer between him and his mother and our children for far too long at this point and I don't want to continue like this anymore.

We will be empty nesters in 3 years and that will be my determining point.  If he doesn't snap out of it or if PDMil passes away before and he handles it badly, then I'm done.  I cannot live the rest of my life with a person like this.

[Poison Ivy]

I relate far too much to your situation to be able to offer any advice (which might not be what you want anyway).  But I can offer my sympathy and empathy.  I can somewhat accept that my ex chose his parents over me.  I cannot forgive that he chose his parents over our children. 

[Whiteheron]

There's a specific term for this. He's not a PD, but is acting like a PD, and at her behest, to minimize his abuse by her. It's a self-protection mechanism for him, but had also served to isolate him from you and the kids. I want to say it's called "abuse by proxy", but I'm not sure that's right. Kris Godinez went over it in a few of her videos. He's basically being recruited to do the abusing for her.

[1footouttadefog]

It could very well be that she is putting immense pressure on him to constantly choose between her and the family. 

My pdh was such that I would have never called him a narcissist.  I simply considered him the victim of his abusive over controlling narc mother.  I attributed much to her.  After she died, it was as if the queen had passed the baton or jerkdom off to him.  It is now apparent to me that being under her thumb was a restraint on him and when she passed so did that restraint and his own narcissism is now free to surface as it does not conflict with being at her back and call. 

She was a grandiose and he is a covert.

 

[Pepin]

It could very well be that she is putting immense pressure on him to constantly choose between her and the family. 

My pdh was such that I would have never called him a narcissist.  I simply considered him the victim of his abusive over controlling narc mother.  I attributed much to her.  After she died, it was as if the queen had passed the baton or jerkdom off to him.  It is now apparent to me that being under her thumb was a restraint on him and when she passed so did that restraint and his own narcissism is now free to surface as it does not conflict with being at her back and call. 

She was a grandiose and he is a covert.

This is my fear - that DH will get worse upon her death.  When I met DH, he displayed no red flags to me.  But little by little, things from the past started surfacing as I got to know his family.  We moved closer to them and I realized how reliant they were on DH and how odd it was.  I was deep into being a new Mom and getting to know my new surroundings.  And we wobbled along for a bit, a few heated conversations about PDMil here and there, and then FIL passed away.  Everything changed after that.  DH acted out due to the stress of his mother's guilt and the strain of having a wife and young children that were trying to just be a family.  Of course his mother's guilt won.  Obligation and loyalty suddenly became his mantra...and he takes that out on those he loves the most: his FOC. 

There's a specific term for this. He's not a PD, but is acting like a PD, and at her behest, to minimize his abuse by her. It's a self-protection mechanism for him, but had also served to isolate him from you and the kids. I want to say it's called "abuse by proxy", but I'm not sure that's right. Kris Godinez went over it in a few of her videos. He's basically being recruited to do the abusing for her.

No doubt that DH is a flying monkey for PDMil.  He is protecting her because she rewards him.  He is actually very controlling at the moment and I think that is why his siblings don't interact much with him.  They don't need their brother telling them what to do and how to live their lives.  DH on the other hand cannot stand the way his mother lives her life either.  But, she chooses to be the way that she is.  He gets frustrated that he cannot fix her not does he seem to understand her aging.  Complete enmeshment.  Mad at her, mad at his father for dying before her, mad at his siblings and of course mad at his FOC.

I relate far too much to your situation to be able to offer any advice (which might not be what you want anyway).  But I can offer my sympathy and empathy.  I can somewhat accept that my ex chose his parents over me.  I cannot forgive that he chose his parents over our children. 

Yeah, this pains me to the core - that our kids are paying the price.  I can handle myself but I have to defend our children.  I feel like the momma gorilla with the baseball bat because daddy is not being kind to junior...(Looney Toons cartoon).