Ongoing attempts to get unbiased feedback regarding my wife led me here...

Started by blindedexpert, December 06, 2019, 04:28:29 PM

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blindedexpert

I have been exploring the behavioral sciences realm pretty extensively since I was in high school. I received an undergrad in psychology. I was going into grad school in clinical psychology, until that fell through because my wife and I found out we were pregnant with our first son.

Several years later I had a career change. I ended up being a high school technology teacher, which I am presently regretting. However, I have never given up my keen interest in psychology, more specifically deviant personalities. I have interviewed a convicted killer for an internship. I have read countless books on psychopathy and deception. I always thought my journey was sparked from wanting to understand my wife's psychopathic step father and put him behind bars for hurting my wife when she was a teenager. Now, after all these years I wonder if I was also trying to understand her, my wife.

It is embarrassing and humiliating. I can spot a liar or pervert around every corner. My gut tells me fairly quickly if someone is decent and whether or not I should trust them.  Then comes my kryptonite, my wife, who I have been with and have loved since I was 16. She has lied to me about so many things since she was 14. I always forgave her and swept her excessive flirting and attention seeking under the rug. She has made me feel like the luckiest person in the world, and like I am going crazy in the same day. I never in a million years wanted to think or let myself think that there was more to her personality other than her being timid from being a victim of emotional abuse and neglect from her mother and sexual abuse at the hands of her step father. After finding out she cheated on me shortly before we got married and lied/schemed to hide it for 15 years, I have opened up to the possibility she has narcissistic personality disorder and/or histrionic personality disorder.

I can now say I believe the saying, "Love Is Blind". Still, I am up the creek without a paddle. I want to be happy and put the past behind us, but I am terrified of the future, because my wife cannot own up and admit to things I have discovered and confronted her with without trying to lie to me about it more. I am wanting to be understanding and forgive her. I just want the lying to stop. The lying has always been bad, but now I can see how bad; I took a big step back and am seeing things from a different lens now.

I just want some answers. It is tricky. Sometimes she seems like the best, nicest, mother and wife someone could ever imagine. Other times she seems like she cannot even remotely connect with me on an emotional level. Logical thinking tells me a narcissist or histrionic would not keep a job as a successful teacher and stay with someone 21 years. She recently started acting better in terms of not being flirty with other men. She also admitted to lying and being sneaky for years. Her explanation was she, "didn't want to see it". She still won't explain her behaviors or what she was fully up to though. Everything is, "I thought I was a good person for years. I shouldn't have done those things. I didn't see it at the time". Can anyone help me?

Thanks

StayWithMe

All I can imagine is that since she got away with her behavior for years, she has no motivation to change.  I do accept that when we are younger, we have lower standards and boundaries when choosing a partner.  fortunately, then, one does not get married or hopefully, let an unplanned pregnancies limit your choices. 

Did your wife go to university?  Do you ever wonder if she planned the pregnancy?

Penny Lane

Hi blindedexpert, and welcome.

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this position. You have a lot of tough questions ahead of you and will probably need to do some soul-searching before you decide what you're going to do with this new information about your wife.

I hope this forum is a good resource and source of support for you. You might start with the resources and the toolbox at the top of the page. There you'll find a lot of the common behaviors and also ways to avoid toxic communication patterns.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.