How to get through December

[EternalHippo]

I am grateful to read the many posts and see my experience in the experiences of others -- thank you for the courage and vulnerability shared here.  I am still finding my place in this forum and appreciate the space created here.

My BIL recently passed away and as my DH grieves, a lot of issues we haven't dealt with effectively are coming up.  It is exhausting and I am seeking a different path forward.

I've been reflecting on my relationship with my ILs of late given the recent events.  I met my ILs 11 years around this time of year in the town where my DH and I met.  I spent an entire day with them where they did not speak to me unless I spoke to them and even then I received limited answers.  My DH interpreted for me that "they liked me" yet I didn't feel that way at all.  My DH and I began traveling back to his hometown with increasing frequency.  Each time we would be ready to leave (to make an 8 hour drive back to our home), my MIL would suddenly remember something she needed my DH to do which would delay our leaving.  Against my better judgement, we eventually moved to his hometown (which at the time I thought was the right choice for our relationship).  Upon our return, I overheard my MIL tell a friend "I got him to move back home."  I told DH what I heard and his interpretation was "Oh she meant she is glad I am back."  This made me realize I was in deep trouble and I had seriously misunderstood these people. 

While we resided in the same town, my ILs expected us to visit every week (really I think they would have been happier if we had lived in their home with them).  This gave me a lot of chance for observation but slowly eroded my mental health.  I watched my MIL hit a parked car, say "whoops" and do nothing about it.  I stood in line with her at a fast food restaurant where she ordered my DH food (but not me) and said "oh, I'll let him pay me back" while expecting me to take care of myself.  I experienced holidays where we were asked to arrive at noon for a meal only to show up at noon and see that FIL and MIL had not even begun to prepare for the food but simply wanted to manipulate our time.  When DH and I left to get our own food, MIL told me that I ruined her holiday.   I've watched my FIL complain about how his bicycle was broken and how much he liked my DH's favorite bike and how much easier it would be if DH just gave him the bicycle (which he did).  I've watched my MIL literally walk away from a conversation with my SIL the moment my DH walks in the room (even to my SIL's comments "Why won't you listen to me?") . I watched my FIL show up to gatherings of me and my husband's friends (even though no one else's parents were there). 

We eventually moved away back to the town where we had met.  Yet because my ILs were so entrenched in my DH's life, the move was not successful.  I did not realize we had a problem with the move until his parents show up one day and have a conversation with him like I am not there about what he can do to solve his problem (which was to move back home).   We spent a difficult year rebuilding our relationship back in his hometown.  We then moved several time zones away where they have to take a plane and car and train to get to us.  I thought we were doing ok (even though they insist on visiting every year at a time they choose regardless of how it works for our schedule) and building a life of our own.  Following the death of his brother, DH insists that all this time he has had to choose between me and his family. 

While I am upset with my ILs, the real issue for me is not them (because I understand I cannot change them).   I acknowledge that what hurts the most is how my DH responds to his family and how things he often says to me are things his parents have said to him when I am not around.  I am now better equipped from a lot of self work this year to work through these conflicts.  But right now I am tired and afraid of what will come and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel because my ILs are experts at creating FOG.

[bloomie]

EternalHippo - hi there! Welcome! I am so thankful you have joined the community and are showing such gumption and sharing the disappointment and heartache you are experiencing in your relationship with your DH related to the enmeshment with is FOO.

DH insists that all this time he has had to choose between me and his family.

Yes, as a matter of fact he did that when he stood and pledged his loyalty and fidelity to you and made a new family of choice with you! And choosing you over anyone who would pose a threat to that bond and union, who would attempt to intrude on that most sacred and intimate of relationship, is foundational to your marriage. These people are hurting you and you are his family. That is a "we" problem as one of our hero member's all4peace so wisely puts it.

So, a response to this that he has to choose could be - "Yes, thank you for all of the times you have done that. I choose you first as well."

Because this is what grown up married people DO. Every day across the land. They choose to not have close intimate connection with people that are not respectful to their wife/husband/partners.

I have been married for a very long time... and have had uPD in-law drama for a loooonnnnngggg time and what I suspect is that your DH has his priorities and loyalties divided and upside down and he may not have a clue how to leave his FOO and cleave to you. It's time he learned.

Some thoughts... take what you need and leave the rest....

You could refuse to listen and hear what is being said behind your back. Period. No more of toxic stew being poured over your head and leaving you hurt and confused. Just NO!

You could require that a man who would discuss, or allow unkind talk about his beloved wife (and then repeat it to her ) go to marriage counseling and therapy with you to sort this hurtful and highly insensitive, undermining behavior be addressed in a safe and supported environment for YOU!

For your mental health and well being you could choose the level of contact that you are comfortable with in terms of the holidays and set some boundaries around if/how/when you communicate with your in laws and if/how/when they are welcome in YOUR home.

You could read together or on your own the books: Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

You could find a therapist for yourself and begin to build a support system for yourself as you work through this very difficult dynamic in your relationship.

And you can keep coming back here for support, using the tools in the toolbox above, and reading through the collective wisdom of the members here.

We come here to learn how to step out of fear, obligation, and guilt that is a specter over our relationships with family members whose behaviors are toxic and hurting us. From what you share here, your heart is in pain and your are perplexed that you find yourself in this strange power struggle with your in laws for the heart and loyalty of your DH. It is a hard place to stand in and I am just so sorry you are hurting.

One of the first things I learned when coming here is a mantra called the 3 C's and it goes: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. (https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule)

All of your in law's  dysfunction and enmeshment, all of the manipulative behaviors and entitlement, the lack of moral character and simple kindness that would allow your in laws to treat a precious dil such as yourself, as you have been treated, was in place long before you came along. You didn't cause this.

[inHistime]

EternalHippo, wow I can relate to your post so so much. The behavior that seems outrageous, unacceptable, you would never do to someone....is normal, accepted, interpreted, rewritten.  The fast food incident, the give me your bike incident. I had my mil take my Christmas stocking out of my hands, she needed it back to give to her D , my sil, or she would be upset. ?!?!?!  Then gave me a guilt trip, like you don't care about stuff do you? you're not materialistic, you shouldn't mind?  my H sat there helpless.  She owed us money, gave us half of it, and stated This IS what I owe you.  H wouldn't ask for the rest, maybe couldn't. My H is a lot different now, that was many years ago.  He was never super enmeshed, he was the SG. But he still obeyed the unspoken rules. What she says goes, and if you do stand up for yourself.... you let her to punish you for it. You allow the silent treatment until SHE says everything goes back to normal.  That's what changed for us. The temper tantrum is no longer part of the vicious cycle.  Distance helps a lot too. I do not know how it would go if we lived closer.   I totally agree with your last paragraph, it's not so much the ils that hurts but your h's response to them. EXACTLY.  I had to draw my boundaries for myself and my kids, H has followed suit mostly.  The out right rage, temper tantrum, calling names, is finally unacceptable to him. Sometimes I think he is still blind to guilt trips, manipulation, hoovering though. it's a long hard road, and I totally understand and you are not alone!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

[EternalHippo]

Thank you for the kind thoughts, suggestions, and support.  It is validating to hear that this is not in my head and that what is happening is not acceptable.

After posting this the current plot has thickened and I am suddenly noticing how manipulated I feel.  My DH chose to leave a little earlier than expected for the celebration of life for his brother.  His choice means that he is missing my birthday and will not return home until after Xmas.  I am not the biggest into holidays but his choice is hurting me right now because the words I hear coming out of his mouth don't sound like his but those of his parents.  My decision to remain at my home and celebrate with people that treat me with respect is somehow being twisted into some evil and I am scared that he is going to start listening to them more than me.  They have done this before and we were able to recover...but the loss of a son to my ILs and of a brother to my DH is so big and given how poorly they cope I am scared of how this will turn out.

We just made plans to visit a new city after Christmas.  We've spoken for a while over the past year about moving...what I see now is how much DH is seeking a place exactly like his hometown.  I grew up in a military family and have no hometown, however I don't think it is pull of his hometown but the pull of his parents that drives him.   The said new city is within driving distance of his family.  My understanding when we made the plan is that it would just be us...and then he dropped that "knowing his family, they will probably want to have lunch with us."  My natural tendency is be flexible and agreeable...I did express that I didn't want to do that but didn't outright say no. 

All this is saying to me is that we have backslide a lot in the past month where he is not talking to me about things and is talking to his family.  I am beginning a journey with a therapist next week and hope that my DH will join me with a therapist in the future.  As I have grown this year I find that things I used to tolerate are definitely no longer tolerable. 

[Pepin]

Following the death of his brother, DH insists that all this time he has had to choose between me and his family. 

This.  The death of Dh's brother has caused a trauma bond between him and his family.  I can absolutely relate as my DH went through exactly the same thing when his father passed away.  His relationship with his mother became strengthened because of her grief.  She is not the person who can accept that things will never be the same again.  This happened 7 years ago and I don't see signs of it getting better until she passes - and then who knows how DH will be.  I am terrified thinking about it.

I wish I had words of wisdom to make your situation go away and have your DH snap out of it.  If he is agreeable to therapy or books then I would try those.  As Bloomie pointed out, this was in place long ago nor were you the cause.  But, you get to decide how the next chapter for YOU is going to be. 

[treesgrowslowly]

I recognize this dynamic. Sadly.

Your MIL wants to "own" her childrens feelings. This started when her kids were young and she was near them for literally thousands of hours of their development and attachment needs.

After a childhood like that, many adults do not think anything is really wrong. They (the adult children of a controlling mother), only feel relief when they let mom do what she wants. Again, thousands of hours were spent establishing this pattern with her. She would get upset and the only relief anyone ever got was during times where she felt she was in control. Her mood was most important. Is that familiar to your situation?

None of this prepares children for a marriage of the sort you probably hoped to have with DH. When tensions arise in his FOO, as they contantly will because your MIL has shown that to be the way, he tries to help her. And he had to deal with this while he was a child. Changing it as an adult is usually what good therapy entails. And time. And effort.

What you describe DH as doing lately, is not uncommon in families with an emotionally immature parent. The parent has groomed the children to be her emotional caretakers. My mother attempted this with me and I am NC because I woke up Out of the FOG of it some years ago. 

Your reaction to all this dysfunction will look like more negativity to him and it makes sense to me that he is now avoiding you and trying to relieve all this tension from drama by talking to them. Your disappointment regarding the fog he is in, probably won't register with him. But that doesn't mean its not real.

I say this after years of working to recover from a negative mother and negative mother in law.

Just because you can see what is actually going on in his family, he may not see it.  We outsiders can assess our in laws after a while but our partners can remain in the fog during that. To be fair its probably easier for us to see the fog in a system we didn't grow up in.
As you said in your post, when you look at the past with the info you habe now, the things that were yellow flags at the tine are now red flags. I have dealt with this too. It's very hard emotionally for me, to accept that my ILs are the way they are. It's a bit reason why I'm on this site is to help myself grieve this.

No one can know when and if he will see some of the things you see.
What I have had to better learn for myself is that the dream daughter in law I knew I could be, had nothing to do with the ideas MIL has about how relationships work. I'm a loving, flexible, understanding, generous person. Like you, I want to give and take and be flexible with people I care about.

In a family where people are living this daily drama (the fog), I cannot really be any of those things. I just can't. I won't be respected for being flexible or thoughtful. I just won't.  No matter what I do. The family doesn't run on respect.

The one with the most controlling personality typically doesn't believe they need to change, and they might be good at manipulating everyone in this exact topic by saying or doing things that are actually just manipulations. They have no intention of changing. That's my MIL. No desire to change. None.  But you would never hear her admit that. It really is her way or the highway and I'm sure she is mad at me for stealing someone she used to control. Again, she would never admit that but her actions all suggest anger. I have had to work really hard to understand that this anger isn't really about me at all.

We know when we're respected. But in the fog we hope things will change.

I'm sorry for your predicament and see a lot of hope in your post that you will find your way of making changes to your approach with them, and I can see that you are going to work to take care of your marriage during this time. Noe of that is easy at times. The best advice I've gotten myself, is that we must find ways to do self care for us. Daily.

Otherwise all the work on changing ourselves, and fueling our marriage with hope, can feel pretty depleting. Good luck. Glad you have a therapist as I believe that can help a lot.

Trees

[Alexmom]

I think the death of your DH's brother is triggering a lot of emotions and your DH is probably very focused on supporting his parents and his family of origin right now.  My DB died 3 years ago and my focus for a good year after he died was supporting my parents - who experienced what is considered the worst pain a person will experience - the death of a child.  I spent more time with my parents during this year than I had in a long time.  My DH supported me during this time, but I think the support came easy as he had no negative history with my parents which I see is different with you and your IL's.

I also understand the dynamic of feeling like your DH is a puppet being controlled by his parents in which he appears to be overly influenced by them and they appear to be overly invested and entrenched in your lives to the point that you don't have the private and autonomous married life that you desire and should have.   My IL's were like this, and similar to your dynamic, I felt very marginalized by them - which I later confirmed was done with purpose - as they resented my place in DH's life - which I think is common behavior directed at a SIL or DIL when a troubled enmeshed family system is involved - but for the outsider - we would be one "happy"(cough-cough)  family ruled by the designated controller(s) in chief, aka mom, dad or both. 

I think you are going to have to give this a little time and be patient as your DH grieves and supports his parents.  I really do get it as I had to support my DH during the 5 years my horrid MIL was sick and then all the time that was required of him after she passed which took him away from me and our 3 kids which was never recognized or appreciated by the IL side because these people only value their sick FOO units.  This time will require patience from you, and slowly over time talking with DH about what you need to in your marriage to feel like you have a sacred bond with him to the exclusion of all others and in which you feel protected and understood.  Focus on your self care during this time and keeping yourself occupied with your interests and family/friends.