Menopause and literally no F's left to give...

[alphaomega]

Hiya all 

I wanted to share some realizations I have been witnessing as I am walking (or clearing a path by means of "controlled burns"  ) into what is shaping up to be ACT 2 of my life on this little blue dot floating in space...

About 6 weeks ago, quite literally out of nowhere, I started to feel what I assume could only be described as "hot flashes".  Turning 50, and having had a partial hysterectomy 5 years ago, I concluded that yep, this must be The Pause...

It was a tough pill to swallow.  I have been trying to fight off the societal standards of "I'm getting old", and unattractive, fat, unworthy, wrinkly, dried up, and should just retreat into a safe place where my gray hairs can sprout up and not irritate the rest of the world.   

And just get on with moving out of the way, to make way, for more "viable" members of the human race.  Those that fit the bill.  Young, beautiful, and willing to "play the game".

After a lot of sitting with this whole next chapter, in prayer and meditation, I have attributed this entire experience to what I had always felt like growing up in a home where my NPD mother made the ALL THE DEMANDS, told us to jump, and we waited on guard, until she told us how high ?

I have been having hot flashes about once and hour for a month.  Literally burning with heat.  That rises from the depth of my being, and will just take their sweet time in finishing.  And I have absoutely no way of stopping them.  They come, they combust, they leave me wet with sweat and shaking with chills afterward. 

So at first I was like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is this FUCKERY all about ?!?!!?       After FINALLY finding a tiny modicum of my voice, after decades and decades of sadness, and therapy, and sould searching, I was FINALLY staring to feel "like myself". 


And, now THIS ?!?!?!?

No fair !!!! I thought.  This is bullshit.  I can not believe that I waited sooooo long to finally feel the good parts of the whole life experience and I was gifted about, oh, a whole damn year of that before this crap started ?!?!

Woe is me.   

But, then, in my typical "survival mode" fashion, I decided to try and  see the "Gift in Strange Wrapping" that might be lying just below the surface of this Internal Fire that is demanding release at any cost, regardless of my willingness to accept it or not.

"Suffering is resistance to what IS". 

Could this moment in my life, be the "burning off" of the perpetual state of fear that we children of NPD's feel ? 

So with these Flashes of Lucidity (as I have started refering to them) I force myself to sit with the previous thought, and emotion. that triggered the flash. 
And I swear to you, every.single.time. it is somehow connected to my healing from abuse. 

The anger that has surfaced is incomprehensible to everyone around me that has always THE peacemaker.  Of fucking course Im a "peacemaker" !!! 
I was groomed to be a doormat !! 
I cant walk into a room without having to "read it" so that I can either avoid, or try to fix, whoever in that room is nasty, self absorbed, negative, frustrated, etc. 

Thats what I do. 
I FIX. 
At any cost to myself and my wellbeing. 

I stand infront of the train about to go off the rails, throw my body and soul in the way of whomever its coming for.

I have always took the hit head on.  So as not to upset  the whole days schedules of trains behind that one, that just jumped track. 

"I can take it", I always thought to myself. 
I can take the pain, the grief, the fear, the gut wretching anxiety, all of it. 
Ill take it all.  I can handle it.


Not any more.

There is an ANGER that surfaces with these flashes of lucidity that I cant even begin to explain. 
It's like PMS on steroids. 
Its what I imagine men feel when their testosterone has them in a rage. 

It is, what I imagine, I would have felt, had I been allowed and permitted to actually FEEL, when I witnessed the shit I had to see and turn a blind eye to, when I was growing up.

Its a HELL NO. 
HELL TO THE "NO". 
NO MORE ABUSE. 

Not in any, way, shape of form. 

Its a blatant and overt "DO NOT FUCKING TEST ME" or I will have you wishing you had NEVER, EVER, E V E R (said, done, thought, acted) etc that way.

It's a *BE KIND, LOVE ONE ANOTHER, STOP MAKING MESSES SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE A HERO, DONT HURT ANOTHER SINGLE SOUL WITH YOUR NARCISSISTIC ENTITLED BULLSHIT*  modus operani. 


And, I AINT accepting any behavior other than that....


It's a shit or get off the naricissistic pot. 


Times up.



I demand PEACE.
I demand LOVE.
I demand GENTLENESS.
I demand KINDNESS.
I demand treating others with all of this unless their behavior dictates otherwise.
I demand interations based on love, and peacegiving to each other.
I demand the willingness to hold space for eachother, so we can ALL, as a collective, process our pain.

I demand exactly what I give out.

All of the above. 

And if you are too unwillingly in your narcissism to provide me with it,

THANK YOU.  NEXT...

XO AO

[SunnyMeadow]

I can relate! Menopause has caused me to not have any F's to give as well.  There are times my husband says the most  self-important, wacky things and now what I think about it simply comes out of my mouth. His reactions have been pretty funny.

I like this part of aging. I'm not the fearful, doormat, peacemaker and I like it.

But menopause has caused me truly irritating insomnia. I don't want to sleep for 3 hours a night or sleep for 2 hours, awake for 3. Not to mention some other unfortunate issues that are a major bummer. Started watching YouTube videos by Menopause Taylor (Dr Barbara Taylor) and decided I'm not putting up with Estrogen Deficiency any longer. She worth a watch, we just aren't taught this stuff.

[NumbLotus]

You go, girl. Lean into it.

I knew someone who was a total doormat who, through progressive disability, lost every single one of her Fs. Count: zero.

It changed her life for the better. Not only did she give jerks the what-for, she stopped being afraid and started LIVING. She is gone now, but the best part of her life was, no question, the later part of it.

[looloo]

I've been officially menopausal for just over one year, but I may have been experience peri menopausal symptoms several years prior.  I'm not sure because I was on low dose birth control pills the entire time (didn't want children and the pills also eliminated periods, which was AWESOME!!).  When I was 51 or so my nurse practitioner suggested that I go off the pills and in a month, get my levels checked to see where I was at.  So in that month, I remember experiencing a few hot flashes.  Then I got my bloodwork done, and a few days later, the nurse practictioner left me a voice mail saying, "You are in FULL menopause, you don't need birth control anymore-you'll never have another period." 



Lol, despite choosing not to have children, hearing the news that Mother Nature had officially closed that window, it was a bit of a shock.  I saved the voice mail for a long time, but never had the urge to play it again.  I was ok with it.  Honestly, the idea of being freed from that particular feminine role/obligation to society was kind of interesting to me.  Many women talk about how they start to feel "invisible" but I'm liking the feeling of my body belonging to ME, if that makes any sense.  My desire to stay healthy and in decent shape isn't based on how others (men) might view me, and how I might rate.  It's because I want to for ME.  And that attitude overlaps into plenty of other areas where I no longer have any Fs to give, and it's great! 

I did find a vitamin supplement that has helped my symptoms—they're not gone, but much less frequent and intense.  Not sure if it's ok to endorse, but it rhymes with "Dun-a-Way" and they have a menopause formula that you can find online. 

[DreamingofQuiet]

I have been going through a period for a while now where I have fewer and fewer Fs to give. I believe I am perimenopausal. The more I accept and even embrace it, the better I feel.

I am so glad you are reclaiming yourself as you go through this transition, Sunny Meadow. Thank you for sharing this.

DoQ

[Amadahy]

Wow, Alphaomega. Just reading that felt GREAT!!!!  Bless you and flashes of lucidity and the overdue anger turned to healing and strength. I stand in fucking solidarity with you. 🥰

[MamaDryad]

I love this! Not quite there yet myself (maybe soon?), but I'm going save this to reread when it's time.

So far, each version of me has been willing to take less shit than the one before. I have high hopes for getting older.

[JustKat]

Lol, despite choosing not to have children, hearing the news that Mother Nature had officially closed that window, it was a bit of a shock.  I saved the voice mail for a long time, but never had the urge to play it again.  I was ok with it.  Honestly, the idea of being freed from that particular feminine role/obligation to society was kind of interesting to me.

I also found it to be very freeing. I knew since I was very young that I didn't want children. I just couldn't have kids of my own after everything I had been through with my Nmother. It was difficult for me because people were so judgemental at the time. I was constantly being told that I was "selfish" or that my motherly instincts would eventually kick in and I'd change my mind. That was really tough to take. There was no way I was going to attempt to tell people about my dysfunctional family, especially in the 80s and 90s when NPD wasn't a widely known thing and I had not yet learned from a psychiatrist that it was the cause of my mother's abuse.

My therapist told me that people would stop being judgemental about being childless by choice when I reached a certain age. She was right! I'm just so glad I don't have to answer those questions anymore. It really did feel like some kind of female obligation and I was tired of having to explain myself. That's one part of my youth I definitely won't miss.

[alphaomega]

Yes !!! GURLZ !!! YASSSS QUEENS !!!! 

Its fascinating how society permits (especially white) men to age with "distinguish" and oftentimes command even MORE money and respect as they grow old (cue Biden, Pesci, Pacino, DeNiro,etc ad nauseum)

Yet women are expected to hit 50, commence their knitting careers, don a mumu, and fade to grey

I intend on pushing back HARD on this.   
I want to become even MORE radical as I step out of the need for validation from the male gaze.

When I was just 12, I was riding my bike through my neighborhood and a truckload of landscapers catcalled me. 

I hollered back in my always present defiance "I AM ONLY 12!!!"

And you know what these bastards replied ?

"If youre old enough to bleed, you're old enough to breed baby !".

And, that, my freinds, was my first Before and After moment (I have several...

I knew, at that very second of my existence, that life, as a woman, was going to be, ahem, "challenging" at best.

My innocence  and rose colored glasses were ripped off of me, and I would never move through this time space continuum again feeling completely safe.

It's tough as hell down here.

But I think I might be tougher... ?

XO AO

[Adria]

Great post Alphaomega,

I'm with ya sisters. Other than a few side effects from menopause, I find it very freeing and liberating in so many ways:
I don't ask permission. I let my hair go gray (get tons of compliments on it), Don't care what people think of me. Don't have to save the world anymore. Live my life on my terms. Don't put up with people's crap anymore. Don't go to parties I don't want to go to. Don't explain myself. Let someone else have the really complicated jobs at work now.  Don't straighten the house if I don't feel like it. Can say no to other people running their agenda on me like nobody's business. Binge watch TV. . . Yup, it's great cuz I don't give a flying F anymore.  Waited all my life to feel this way
   

[Duck]

I can't express how much I love this thread.

[Boat Babe]

Reckon no guys even opened this thread given the kick ass heading!!!!
What amazing women you are. Respect sisters!
I don't miss my periods and I certainly don't miss the monthly cycle of mood fluctuations. I am still fit and healthy which I mostly take for granted but, when I remember I know myself to be very lucky. Thanks Universe. And, I have a part time, sweet and handsome guy in my life who is 37!!   
Oh yeah, and zero fucks to give!

[JustKat]

But menopause has caused me truly irritating insomnia. I don't want to sleep for 3 hours a night or sleep for 2 hours, awake for 3.

SunnyMeadow, so sorry you're going through this, but you've solved a huge mystery for me. I'm also having the same sleep problems and didn't know why, but it sounds like it might just be a "woman of a certain age" thing.

The sleep pattern you describe is exactly what mine is, which is bad because I have GAD and my doctor says I need a lot of sleep. BUT, ha! When you reach that certain age you get to say "eff it, I'm going to bed at 8:30!" I don't need any parties or social activities. Binge watch some television and off to bed! 

[Associate of Daniel]

Yep. This is an encouraging thread.

I struggle with the sleep thing too, although perhaps not as badly as some of you.

My main difficulties so far are days long headaches and pimples.   

I never had this much trouble with pimples when I was a teenager.

My ds13 and I are having some interesting mother-son bonding time in front of the bathroom mirror as we deal with this ugly aspect of our hormones.  (Except he doesn't have the grey hair like I do.)

I'm gradually ridding myself of the "Fs" (hopefully remaining compassionate in the process) and I can't wait to be confident to allow my hair to be its natural colour. I've been going grey since I was 19. Surely 30 years is long enough.

AOD

[Dear Abby]

I really miss my hormones.  They gave me a boat load of chutzpah and I didn't realize how much they had to do with who I am until they were gone and I briefly  did hormone replacement therapy.  I would like to again  --- I felt normal or I should say I didn't realize how different I had become with the slow loss of hormones.

I like having my period it makes me feel healthy! And less old.  I started having hot flashes in my 40's .. there is something you can do about them.  Ask your GP/OB for a hormone you can take which minimizes those uncomfortable hot flashes. They can discuss with you the possible risks, etc.

There is another great way to get testosterone (a chutzpah giving hormone IMO) but it's probably not appropriate to mention here.  Comes from having a (male) human in your life.

I agree the loss of hormones really punches up the no fks given.  Cause what is there left to give when you don't care anymore about this, that and what the other person(s) think.

[moglow]

  Adding me to the list here! The mental pause does have a way of removing the unnecessary fucks, doesn't it?  I remember way back years ago a wonderful woman I know gleefully reported that a forced early menopause via hysterectomy is what finally [ahem] grew her a pair. She claimed to be meek and "go along to get along" almost to the point of doormat prior to that event. After?! NOPE.

Having now been through it myself [sans surgery or any hormone therapy because I'm hard headed], I have to agree. Things that used to eat me alive now are just - meh. Mother gets mad? Okay. She makes threats? Okay. She goes silent for weeks at the time? MAJOR okay AND a parade in my honor! I'm just not that interested in gossip, chaos and mass disruption. I'm not sure why I bought tickets on the crazy train for so many years, but pretty thankful I spend on other things now. And no, it's not restricted to mommie dearest, but whacking down that tree did have a way of clearing the forest  behind her.

I will say this, those hot flashes and accompanying sleep disruptions have a way of melting down any resistance. They kill off ALL the fucks because I simply don't have the brain or energy to engage in peripheral stupidity and hatefulness. Where I go in my own mind is quite freaky enough, thank you, without taking on the perambulations of other more disordered minds!!

[Associate of Daniel]

This thread is really giving me a much needed laugh.

Thank-you!

AOD

[Seven]

I'm probably at least peri-  I'm 48 next month.  Still on the pill. Cycles all kind of wonky, but that could also be due to keto, or a combination of both. But I'm out of fucks to give as well.   I think I part of it was due to coming Out of the FOG. 

I'm learning that I'm just as important as everyone else and my happiness should come first before everyone else's.  I find I am angrier than I have been in the past though.  I see so many red flags.  I see my DH being taken advantage of and it angers me.  He lets it happen though.  I guess I just need to let it go and have him deal. 

BUT, I definitely am in the best shape of my life physically, like "don't stop me now"

[SunnyMeadow]

SunnyMeadow, so sorry you're going through this, but you've solved a huge mystery for me. I'm also having the same sleep problems and didn't know why, but it sounds like it might just be a "woman of a certain age" thing.

The sleep pattern you describe is exactly what mine is, which is bad because I have GAD and my doctor says I need a lot of sleep. BUT, ha! When you reach that certain age you get to say "eff it, I'm going to bed at 8:30!" I don't need any parties or social activities. Binge watch some television and off to bed! 

A big yep to the eff it, I'm going to bed at 8:30 thing! 

Not to get too personal but for general info; I started the estrogen/progestin patch and it's been glorious! I'm back to sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night and good, continuous sleep too. Seems like I have less brain fog and my skin isn't as dry. My body is coming back to life in many areas! And the worst part -- well a tie with insomnia,  v dryness has completely and totally resolved! That caused so many problems for me, uti's, abnormal pap, and other personal issues.

[alphaomega]

Can you tell me more about the patch ?

If they resolve these issues that plague us as our bodies stop producing hormones, why are they not "standard issue" at our physicals ?!?!?   

They advertise the "little blue pill" freaking everywhere, why is there not an ad for this magical patch ?!??!

I have found a few websites that are helping me understand what my body is going through - I hope its ok to share.
GENNEV
HYSTERSISTERS
HELLOPAUSE

I'm going to my GYN but cant get an appt for a few months - I'd love to know my options from those that have been there done that.

XO AO