Small talk

Started by Seagull, December 07, 2019, 09:39:51 AM

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Seagull

Hi Everyone,I've just had a rather typical interaction with my partner and I wondered if anyone else can relate to this. Just to explain I feel he has npd traits. I happened to say that I'd heard an interview with an author about his new book on the radio and that I thought it sounded interesting. My partner then launched into a  scathing lecture on what a poor writer this author is, though he is well thought of and successful. I actually wonder if he has even read any of his books. He didn't even ask what the novel is about. This kind of response to something I've said would happen quite frequently.  Is he trying to trigger a response from me? Or just undermine me? Whatever the reason it certainly makes communication difficult and cuts short any conversation. I didn't really get into it with him and after a few minutes left the room to do something else.  Does this type of thing happen to others on the forum and what is the best way to react. I feel it means I'm very reluctant to voice my opinion about things. Maybe that's what he wants? Thanks for reading.

StayWithMe

Something similar happened with my exH.  We were on the way out.  He's disassociating with you.  nice way to make a conversation unpleasant. 

People do this in all types of relationships.  just reminding you not to feel too comfortable around them.

sorry that I can't be more optimistic.  I wish i had correctly interpreted the behavior when I first encountered it.

NumbLotus

This behavior seems to invole many characteristics:

I'm not really hearing you, I'm firmly in my own world and just flapping my mouth when I'm reminded of something *I* can talk about.

Everything is negative, everything sucks, life sucks.

I know more about this subject than you do.

I know more than this "successful" person does. I look smart by criticizing them.

I'm threatened by someone else publishing and being on the radio. Why does no one recognize ME?

I want you to be on your toes all the time. You were feeling relaxed there for a minute, eh? GOTCHA! I have to be on guard all the time against the world, so why aren't you?

One way to control you is to shove my opinions down your throat with force every single time. Pretty soon you will not be able to sort your own opinions from mine, because having your own will hurt. You are an extension of me, so you have no business having other ideas.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

Poison Ivy

"Everything is negative, everything sucks, life sucks.

I know more about this subject than you do.

I know more than this "successful" person does. I look smart by criticizing them."

When conversations were unpleasant with my ex, I think the factors above were at play.  Thanks, NumbLotus.

Seagull

Thanks for your responses. Certainly a lot of what you have said rings true. The negativity about most things is present. The sense of being smarter than others is also often how he views things. The  destabilising effect of this type of interaction is disconcerting, I hadn't thought that maybe he is constantly on guard himself but actually that makes sense in light of other reactions. And having opinions of my own is often something that provokes a row, its as though he thinks I'm deliberately trying to annoy him because I don't agree with everything he says. We've been together a long time and I just feel worn down by it all to be honest. Thanks again.