Do you ever lie to your spouse just to keep the peace?

[Consumed]

I'm slowly beginning to realise that it doesn't matter how well I communicate, or articulate myself, or share my feelings. No matter what I say or do, my husband will cut me off whilst I'm talking, be critical, talk to me in an aggressive and antagonising way, and eventually use verbal abuse. This then escalates and he withdraws, gives me the silent treatment etc. At this point I am confident I have done everything I can on my end to ensure I am communicating the best I can, and that I am not triggering him in any way but I feel I am fighting a lost cause.

I am contemplating that within reason, when having any kind of discussion with him, I am just going to agree with whatever he says. I am not going to voice my opinion on things unless he asks for it, and even then I will just tell him what he wants to hear. Obviously in my head I will actually feel very differently, but I will keep this to myself and will not share it with him. In addition, I am considering just lying wherever I have to so that he doesn't erupt, and kind of just living my own secret life and not sharing things or confiding in him in any way.

I know that ultimately this is a terrible inauthentic way to live life, but I think that I will be able to master this, and I am hoping it will reduce the vast majority of arguments and I can just get on with my life with minimal conflict. I just wondered if anyone else did this, or had any other strategies/coping mechanisms?

[Mikeb44]

This is a dangerous precedent to set. I made the mistake of doing this with one thing and probably got just as bad or even worse that telling my opinion or truth.

From researching and understanding PD, the one thing I did find so far was utilizing the Medium Chill methods to drive the conversation away from the issue at hand. PD's tend to dwell on the negative by trying to drag others down due to their personal insecurities. The other part of Medium Chill is the separation of emotionally getting drawn in. We may have 50% of the fault but they have the other. When saying your peace, you almost have to remove yourself from your own situation and look at it from an outsider perspective. It helps me at least.

Bottom line is, there is one saying I have tried and it helped me feel better about what the response was, "If you want my opinion then you need to be ready for my solution. If you are not looking for a solution, then you need to deal with this yourself"

Good luck and keep posting. We are in this together.

[Crushed_Dad]

Agreed, the moment you're rumbled for a white lie their lack of trust is justified and so the circle continues

[GettingOOTF]

The more “agreeable” I tried to be to my BPDxH the deeper he dug to find fault.

The thing about abusive relationships - and what is being discussed here is abuse, is that it’s not about the abuser wanting to understand and communicate, it’s about the abuser wanting to control. The more agreeable we try to be the more the abuser sees us as fighting back, and they escalate the abuse. Abusers do not see their victims as their equals, they don’t want to understand us, they want us to submit.

Lundy Bancroft does a great job of describing this in Why Does He Do That.

Once you start lying to appease him you need to keep all those lies consistent. If he suspects you are lying you put yourself in more danger. This is my experience.  For me it wasn’t just an inauthentic way to relate to him while avoiding his abuse, it ground me down until there was almost nothing of me left. He was a bottomless pit. The more I have the more he took.

Women also have to be particularly careful in these situations. It’s a different dynamic when the woman is the abused. This is something Lundy Bancroft details well in his book too. The advice given to women in these situations is different to that given to men.

[Samuel S.]

While I understand your need not to be completely honest and upfront with him, it is a dangerous precedence in which it could actually make things worse.

I will give you what happened to me. 18 years ago when I married my PDw, we agreed that I would deposit into a special account for out of the ordinary expenses, and this has been done automatically, and it's in her name seeing that she is 17 years younger than I am. When money started getting a little tight, I inquired about taking some money out. She agreed and took out some money to cover some expenses at the time. Over the years, when money has been tighter, I have asked about her taking out my money to take care of our additional expenses. She said she would work more to earn more. I later found out from her that not only is that collected money for a car for me if I need it, but also for my funeral expenses, because it would break her. I argued with her about being deceptive, and she tried to rationalize it all. I said that she wouldn't want me to take money that she is earning to pocket it for her funeral expenses. She would be very angry. Of course, she was completely silent about this difference. I said it would have been much better if she had actually sat down with me to talk about this. I agree with reasoning, although to do it independently without discussing it with me, it is totally inappropriate.

[NumbLotus]

There are different ways one could interpret your post. I agree lying is a bad road to go down. But one reading is that you are talking about no longer sharing your thoughts - and self - with him. That's not lying.

I consider not sharing thoughts, ideas, hopes, opinions, dreams, etc. to be Gray Rock.

If pressed for an opinion, you could go Medium Chill. "I can see your point." "That could be." "Interesting, I'd have to think about that." Not lying, imho.

[Akari]

I don't agree with everything he says, but I stopped sharing my personal feelings and will no longer divulge anything from my childhood. He started using my childhood issues/family issues when he raged. Like: "that didn't happen! You btr go to the doctor because you may be schizophrenic like your brother!" My brother is actually diagnosed schizophrenic. I don't share the stuff he can hurt me with.

-A

[SparkStillLit]

I don't share my vulnerability, because he weaponizes it. Not lying, that's keeping safe. Real lying is dangerous, like everyone says. I can't recommend it.
Medium chill and grey rock is the way to keep safe, I've found.

[Fae Greenwood]

I don't share my vulnerability, because he weaponizes it. Not lying, that's keeping safe. Real lying is dangerous, like everyone says. I can't recommend it.
Medium chill and grey rock is the way to keep safe, I've found.

I agree. You cannot be authentic with a person who himself is not authentic. The best I could hope for was to not be verbally abused. Good luck.

[11JB68]

I have mixed feelings on this.
I try to use medium chill and not jadeing. It feels a bit dishonest to me. I'm not sharing my thoughts and feelings. Also I don't tell him everything. In a good healthy relationship we could tell each other everything, but this is not that. This is me trying to survive and avoid/reduce abuse/control for myself and ds, while trying to decide if I can stay or not. (Another thing I will never disclose to him. If I leave, I will leave and that's it, no coming back, no discussion)

[Poison Ivy]

I eventually stopped sharing my feelings with my husband (now my ex).  At first (as in many years ago), he implied that he wanted emotional intimacy, but as I started sharing more, he pulled back. I realized he really didn't want me to be honest with him, if the things about which I was honest concerned him or his behavior and were at all negative. As I've said on other threads, he wanted my primary "role" in his life to be not making him feel bad about himself.

Sure, I felt bad about this.  But not because I was lying or being dishonest.  I felt bad because I clearly wasn't the kind of person my husband wanted to be married to.

[livinginmyhead]

MC, grey rock and keeping him at arms length are essential for our survival.

I don't consider telling him whatever he wants to hear or just agreeing with him to keep the peace a lie.

Sometimes you have to just drop the rope and let the consequences slap them in the face like a three week old fish-especially if they have the need to be right, have the last word or win.

If you let them think they won or are better than you some of them might not feel threatened and give you a minute or two of peace once in a while.

If their insistence on being right winds up humiliating them, who cares? (as long as it doesn't cost money or safety...)  They're the ones who are always right, no matter what.

[1footouttadefog]

I used truthful statements that are nuetral.

Oh, that's what you mean.....

I see what you are saying...

I understand what you are saying....

You think so?

These peacefully move conversations Alon with out me actually committing to anything.

[GentleSoul]

I use Medium Chill as a protection to me.  I found when I did used to open up to uPD husband, he would use my vulnerabilities against me at some later time.  Either to manipulate for something he wanted or to get at me.

Also I found it pointless to express my opinion on issues as he will hear it and take the exact opposite stance.   He has the habit of doing or saying the exact opposite of what he thinks people want.  I find it easier to be neutral about everything.  I don't actually care what he does now as long as it doesn't affect me. 

My general answer to him with everything he says is "it's up to you".  Not a lie, just a non-answer.