I live in such fear and anxiety of her coming home

Jsinjin · December 07, 2019, 12:53:58 PM

When she travels, the days and nights are like bliss. I can clean dishes, open mail and decide to throw away junk mail; take care of things. When she returns home I now get shaking and anxiety associated with her impending arrival. She will begin with a tour of the house noticing every swept up part of the porch and complaining about something being lost, noting if I cleaned my car and saying snide comments like 'i see you vacuumed out your truck, hope you didn't lose any important receipts or money. Then every single square inch and cabinet and closet will be reviewed with 20 questions about anything that is moved or put away. I'll hear passive aggressive statements for days "I guess you just have more time than it seems but you still don't have time to attend those school parent group meetings eh? " Or " so are we just trying to show eeveeryon that we have some sort of magazine show house with no laundry and nothing on the floor? " If I won't answer something or I'm away she will begin calling and calling and asking and asking "why is the stool moved?" Until l explain it was just to mop then there will be 20 questions about mopping. It's a horrible anxiety driven mess for me.

When it appears I'm going to leave she sobs and tells me how I don't understand what it was like to lose both parents in less than a month "this happened three years ago but she won't get help".

I'm so scared right now because I know she is driving back and I live in absolute fear of her arriving back here.

I wish I had the strength to leave.

J

Poison Ivy · December 07, 2019, 01:01:39 PM

Are there any domestic abuse organizations in your area that you could call?

NumbLotus · December 07, 2019, 01:10:28 PM

That's bad. I'd be a wreck, too.

Tired · December 07, 2019, 01:53:45 PM

Was she always like this, or has she become like this after the death of her parents?

Jsinjin · December 07, 2019, 05:04:23 PM

She has always been like this. 27 years of marriage though I was not emotionally aware enough to realize how bad it was until about two years ago. I kept thinking it was something I did wrong or was wring about. It was actually this website and a bad bout of depression and a counselor that pointed it out. It makes my kids a wreck too. I think it is uOCPD.

I have been renovating a tiny cottage house we own in the downtown section of our town but she kind of found out about the big renovations and put a stop to it. I think she suspects I want to leave and that my family wants me to move out. She controls all of the finances; I work and actually have a great job so we do really well. She doesn't work; just volunteers in many Civic organizations and is an elected official in the local school board. But I don't even know the passwords for the ATM or what bank accounts we have. She watches everything like a hawk so there is no way to really hide things from her. It's not mistrust, it's control. She doesn't believe anyone can handle our finances but her.

That's the primary reason I don't just leave. The secondary one is that she manipulates me through FOG. She can grow from screaming to crying and hurt in an instant and always make syou feel like it's your fault.

Poison Ivy · December 07, 2019, 06:28:43 PM

Open a new bank account and have your paycheck automatically deposited into it.

Associate of Daniel · December 07, 2019, 09:59:42 PM

Hear hear.

However, maybe you need to leave first in case her reaction to that is unsafe for you and the children.

You could have your pay deposited into a new account in your name only and make regular deposits into her account until finances are finalised.

AOD

Jsinjin · December 07, 2019, 10:41:52 PM

Thank you for your advice. It's scary for me. I really shouldn't be scared. I hoped from finish up the little house and escape while things were ok and then work on next steps. It's so hard because she controls everything. I don't know what would happen if the paycheck didn't show up in the account. Although she is controlling she handles every single bill, every payment. I've thought about setting up my own account but she monitors everything.

Poison Ivy · December 07, 2019, 10:56:28 PM

If you're concerned that she might harm you or the children, then make a plan for leaving the family home, with the children, if she becomes violent or makes threats.

pushit · December 08, 2019, 12:00:57 AM

Have you spoken with a lawyer to find out your rights? That was a huge eye-opener for me. Once I knew how much my rights were being abused by her I knew how much better life would be if I left.

The thing is, you actually have a ton of control if you are the one that works and you make a great living. You are the one that controls where that money gets deposited. I think the trick for you would be to make sure it's public in some way when you make a change. What I mean is - don't just start putting your paychecks into a separate account and then deal with her wrath behind closed doors. That's a recipe for disaster.

I've posted before on this, but for me there was a huge change in her demeanor when I filed. The person that made me scared for my life at times was super sweet all of a sudden, because I would only deal with her in writing or through lawyers. Now it's public. No more private discussions. She still tries to have conversations with me, but no. Now I can't be talked back into having a conversation with her. No more, not until her behavior matches her words. My lawyer was a huge help with that. He coached me into a position where I could shut the door on her manipulation and find better ways to deal with her.

Poison Ivy · December 08, 2019, 12:03:03 AM

Rose1 · December 08, 2019, 01:27:37 AM

Its very sad that she had deaths in the family but she's using it to manipulate you because its her first line of attack if you say something she doesnt like.
It might well be that shes scared of losing he money control (dhs ex was like that too and also ran up huge debts without his knowledge). Dh went to the bank, changed the password while she was away and took back control of the finances. Its your bank account. You can change the password. If not then I agree, open one at another bank.
So your house renovations were stopped. Is it livable even marginally? Why not take your kids for a few weeks "holiday" at the same time your money goes into a new bank and get them to help you set it up? While there go see a lawyer. Pity your wife knows where it is but I guess you could start with a security camera.

Its only scary till you have time to think by yourself. Your current situation is likely to make you ill and you can see it impacting the kids. After 3 weeks holiday you could tell her you decided you are all benefiting from the distance and that you all need time to get well.

Remember nothing is irreversible but you will have much more clarity of thought if you and the kids are out of there for a bit. it will of course take longer than a couple of weeks to get over the level of abuse and you will all likely need therapy but this might be your last chance to get your kids the help they need before they start leaving home or going to college.
Your parents likely will help you do this.

Remember the change management adage "change happens when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving". Seems to me you're close.
All the best.

Tired · December 08, 2019, 02:59:37 AM

Jsinjin, I agree you need time apart, you may want to ask yourself if you could carry on like this for the rest of yr life. Your partner is unlikely to change now, as her behaviour has worked for her, for the last 27 years. I thought I could change my ex UNPD H , even after I found about his cheating and decided to give him another chance. This just proved to him , how weak my boundries were. So at the end I had to work on myself , and have stronger boundries, hence he walked out. I am still working on myself. He never changed .