Is there light at the end off the tunnel.

Tired · December 07, 2019, 01:19:18 PM

Havent posted in a long while. Its almost a year since my uNPD ex partner left, walked out. He wanted to at points to come back, but had demands. Which I was no longer willing to fulfil. I never knew I would survive this long on my own. The marriage had been for 16 years. Before that I lived with my parents, (which included my toxic wife beating father). However its been almost a year. Gave the best part of my life to the toxic ex. I have a teenage son with a medical condition and two daughters. I never thought I would last six weeks without him, but I have. My question now is I dont want be surviving, I've had enough of surviving and fighting to survive, its been the story of my life. I want to be happy full of energy, and enjoy life. But I wonder is this possible after such a long battle with these toxic people. Hope there is hope and someone can tell me they are thriving and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

GettingOOTF · December 07, 2019, 01:37:09 PM

Congrats on your new life and for being brave and strong enough to go after it.

My first year was a blur. I felt like I was just putting one step in front of the other. It felt like my body could finally relax. I’m a few years out and at the end of the second year I felt like I finally started to thrive, I felt excited for things again and a peace I’ve never had before. Every day from the day I left got better but it didn’t always feel like to. I was in a very abusive situation and it took a long time to start to shake that off.

I think you need to learn to survive before you can thrive.

Things aren’t perfect and I’m doing a lot of work in therapy, reading etc. to untangle my abusive marriage and upbringing. I’m I learning to undo a life time of poor coping habits as well as a new way to relate to people, but I can honestly say I love my life. It’s more than I ever dreamed possible.

You will get here too!

Tired · December 07, 2019, 02:10:53 PM

Thank you for yr reply GettingOOTF. I thought I would be happy straight away after ge left, I see thats easier said than done. I have had a lot of therapy this year. Sometimes it seems easier, other days its just been so hard, especially with my son's illness. But it would be a lot worse with him with me. When I didnt allow him to come back, he said to me I will die a lonely death, regret forever not taking him back , and stuggle with my son. For most of the time I can see he was just trying to control me again as he always did, but sometimes his words haunt me and I think what If I fail without him . Not that I was flourishing with a controlling cheat, as a husband. Why I still have these thoughts is beyound my understanding.

NumbLotus · December 07, 2019, 02:30:44 PM

Is it possible you were dying a lonely death WITH him?

Poison Ivy · December 07, 2019, 03:14:51 PM

I am lonely as a single person whose adult children live far away. I was lonely when I was married and my spouse withdrew, first emotionally, then physically (by moving to take care of his elderly parents). There are things I miss about marriage, and I miss my ex sometimes, but I'm coping well, all things considered.

Associate of Daniel · December 07, 2019, 09:50:16 PM

I think Getting Out of the FOG is right.

We need to learn to survive before we can start to thrive.

While we have dependent children, and especially high needs children, it is more survival than thriving, for a long time.

But we can thrive in just one aspect of life rather than in every area.

One thing I've found helpful is to work on my hobby (music).

Getting some of those skills and knowledge back, reminding myself of my talent, and it being something my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife can't do, have been priceless for my self esteem and confidence. I thrive in that area and enjoy it.

The rest of my life is more surviving. I'm not yet sure of what to do about it.

AOD

GettingOOTF · December 07, 2019, 10:21:52 PM

I read this (very unhelpful) article that said it takes a month for every year you were in relationship to recover. This was the timeline I held myself to.

I know now that that doesn't apply to abusive relationships and that I wasn't only recovering from my marriage. I was also recovering from my upbringing. You mention violence in your upbringing. I had parents with addiction issues and an abusive father who, if he didn't cheat on my mother certainly went to a lot of trouble to make her think he did. He was also financially controlling and we went without a lot of things he could afford. This pretty much sums up my marriage.

This is all that you are unwinding now. It's hard work to look at your own relationships, then add to it what you carry from what you experienced growing up.

This is why you have those thoughts. They are the thoughts you've been conditioned to have from birth. Keep moving forward. One day you will wake up and it will feel like suddenly things are better, but it wasn't sudden, it was all those tiny steps you took over time. Steps you are taking right now. They say when you are in hell you should keep going as who wants to stop in hell. Keep going.

Tired · December 08, 2019, 12:07:31 AM

Thank you for yr responses. Associate Of Daniel. I like the idea of thriving in some aspects of life, rather thinking of thriving in the everything. This way of thinking seems more easier and manageable . I will try to focus on going back to the gym and trying to get healthy, as my ex didnt allow me to go initially, cos he was so controlling, but after he did, (which was after I found out about his affair/s), I was allowed to go , just so long as the home was tidy enough. Couldn't ever win so gave up.
GettingOOTF, you are absolutely right, it is hard when yr trying not to just recover from your own relationship but also from the relationship you see growing up. My father was, still is a gambling addict, was a cheat and control freak too. The uNPD ex on the other hand is a workaholic cheat and control freak. Thats why I didnt see it at first. I thought ay least he dont gamble brings the money home. Initailly I was blinded to how toxic over working is to family life. Then using that as a means to control everything, and hiding the infidelity under it. I didnt see it for long time, or maybe didnt want to see it cos my kids were so little then and my son was so ill then.
Now I look back and think the dynamics of my parents marriage were very similar to that of mine. My mum is seperated from my father, however she has become agrophobic and has other mental health issues . I see her and think to myself, I hope I dont go down that path. Cos then, if I am depressed and down with him and without him, what is the purpose of all this inner work, therapy and learning. I dont see my mum as getting justice. She doesn' live a happy life, suffers from depression and anxiety. Maybe she seperated too late. She didnt get therapy, doesnt have the energy for it, I think that justice is very important.

cant turn back · December 11, 2019, 06:37:23 AM

Quote from: Tired on December 07, 2019, 01:19:18 PM
I want to be happy full of energy, and enjoy life. But I wonder is this possible after such a long battle with these toxic people.

ME TOO!!
I do find peace in having walked through the fire and made it to the other side. Yes, I made it, I'm surviving. The esteem I get from that alone is pretty awesome. But, when will I really feel the fruits of all this labor? When will I thrive? Do I have it within me to thrive? Or, am I somehow destined to live out some version of codependency that will prevent me from having an honest and reciprocal relationship. I recognize after a 30 year relationship this all takes time to unwind, I'm trying to be patient...