They almost got me (guilt trip)

Started by EternalHippo, December 08, 2019, 08:50:25 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

EternalHippo

Last night I happened to look at my DH's Facebook page.  He doesn't typically post much, so I rarely look.  I wish I hadn't.  Since his brother passed, I noticed how much his FOO has been tagging him on posts.  It gave me more insight into all of the things they have been putting on his shoulders and I started to feel extremely guilty for not "doing better." 

After sleeping on it, I realize that the guilt is a trap into doing things for my ILs that are not my responsibility.  I don't think they are my DH's responsibility either, however he has to make that decision.  I don't want to excuse my DH's choices (especially when they are not helpful to our relationship).  Yet I am also trying to wrap my head around the possibility that he legitimately does not know how else to act because he has never been taught any different and that he is acting in the ways he has been taught. 

My hope right now is that my DH and I get through the next several weeks relatively unscathed and have the opportunity in the new year to work with someone that can create the space for us to find a different way to talk to one another.  I think we have been walking around each other for a long time with regard to his family and it isn't going to get any easier especially now that they have lost a family member.

Thank you for the space to share.

Starboard Song

Quote from: EternalHippo on December 08, 2019, 08:50:25 AM
I realize that the guilt is a trap into doing things for my ILs that are not my responsibility.  I don't think they are my DH's responsibility either, however he has to make that decision. 

I think we have been walking around each other for a long time with regard to his family and it isn't going to get any easier especially now that they have lost a family member.

I am glad that you've come to that realization. It is a hard and patient journey now, to kindly encourage your husband to the same realization. Please remember this is not a binary situation: many things are truly a responsibility; much accomodation is required in all relationships, and inconveniences. So as you work with your husband, do so with humility. He won't always be wrong, and no answer is easily, patently right.

And yes: you need to speak honestly, and intimately, and kindly about this. It is these sorts of challenges that sometimes we can only trust to our spouses. So much luck to you in 2020.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward