Ever worry that you might be PD?

Jsinjin · December 08, 2019, 02:02:51 PM

I keep asking myself if I'm the one with the problem. I'll worry and worry about my uOCPDw's behaviors and attitudes and moods and wonder if I'm wrong. My counselor and psychiatrist both reinforce, whenever I ask, that I am not suffering from a PD but I worry. When I take the online quizzes I see that I score low in BPD, narcissistic PD, and OCPD. But I wonder if I'm blowing my spouses behavior out of proportion and maybe I'm just the one with a problem. When I challenge her by taking a stand on filth or hoarding, or even writing Christmas cards or thank you notes, she has a way of convincing me that I'm wrong and attacking her and I feel like I'm the one with the problem.

I was just curious if anyone else ever worried if they are the one with the PD.

J

Crushed_Dad · December 08, 2019, 03:19:43 PM

All the time, and I don't think it's just fleas. I react badly at situations, I can be ocd and want my way on certain things, I can abuse alcohol and get easily depressed. I have a hard time in social situations and feel insecure in certain situations

Poison Ivy · December 08, 2019, 03:26:46 PM

I freely acknowledge that I have problems and that I contributed to the marital difficulties, but I'm sure I don't have a personality disorder. Recognizing that no one is perfect, including me, is helpful, I think.

StayWithMe · December 08, 2019, 05:49:49 PM

I don't think I'm PD. I think I do have personality problems that need to be addressed. I had low self esteem. I made the mistake in believing that people day what they mean; mean what they say; do the right thing. Instead, Ive been faced with having navigate among people who arr dishonest. With some coworkers, they would much rather smear my name; bosses who believe what they hear without investigation and do on.

I feel like the biggest breakthrough that I have made with my husband is this: if i were to make a prediction about someone's next move in a matter, instead of calling me crazy and paranoid as he used to, he will now concede that it is possible that I am right.

StayWithMe · December 08, 2019, 06:46:53 PM

Quotehe will now concede that it is possible that I am right.

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I just wanted that remark to hang out for a while while I take a shower ...... date with my husband.

To say "It is possible that you are right" ..... simply means that "it is possible that in equal amounts you could be wrong."

That's a damn sight better than you're crazy, you're paranoid, this is why nobody likes you as my parent used to say.

I believe that my husband finally came to this insightful conclusion after many conversations about the different people that we interact with. Even my husband's former female bestie whom he had to dump in order to continue the relationship with me, said things about me that were negative and false. And she and I had never met. She and I never knew any one in common until I started dating my future husband. I think I can insightful and I did predict that she would advise him to dump me. I had predicted some other things that proved to be true as well.

So I think it's crazy and paranoid for someone to assume that they know someone better than you do a family member, a coworker, someone you work with in a volunteer situation and then that person tells you, even though I don't know this person as well as you do or even at all, I still believe that you are necessarily wrong in any of your thoughts about this person.

For someone like myself who has been told to believe whatever you are told and then to be let so often in life, it's been a struggle to trust my own abilities.

notrightinthehead · December 09, 2019, 12:48:37 AM

Jinsin, do you think it is possible that you have all these self doubts in order to not have to act on what you know to be true?

Jsinjin · December 09, 2019, 05:59:23 AM

NRITH:

Quote from: notrightinthehead on December 09, 2019, 12:48:37 AM
Jinsin, do you think it is possible that you have all these self doubts in order to not have to act on what you know to be true?

You've probably hit the nail on the head. I'm so completely worried about hurting anyone, being mean, and at the same time feeling afraid of her reactions that I keep searching for why. I do have tiny twinges of "maybe I'm crazy and everything is normal" as a set of feelings. Mostly though it's anxiety, fear and hope that things will just get better. And through all the things I've done and accomplished, I don't think I've ever faced something like this in my life.

I do appreciate the objectivity.

J

athene1399 · December 09, 2019, 07:40:36 AM

My SO said that the best thing he learned in therapy is "How am I adding to the situation? and what can I do to address that?" (he was in therapy with his BPD now ex-wife). I think we all have our quirks whether we are PD or not, and if we understand what they are, we learn to recognize the problematic behaviors we have and then learn to "fix" them. No one is perfect. We all sometimes say things we shouldn't. But we can learn what triggers us to do that, learn to recognize the feelings we are having, then try to figure out what to do instead of what we normally do.

I'm pretty sure I have BPD. I do score moderate to high on the online quizzes. But the online quizzes are also generally a screening tool. A moderate to high score on a screening means maybe you should be tested for the condition, not that you necessarily have the disorder. If you are scoring low, you are probably fine.

You're not crazy. Everyone has triggers whether they are PD or nons. Being with a PD really hits our vulnerabilities and insecurities IME.

Have you read anything on radical acceptance? It might be helpful in your situation. It's where you have to accept that there are some things that you can't "fix" about other people or your situation. Like you can take a stand on her hoarding, or you can accept that she is going to hoard. IMO it would take a lot of T for her to stop hoarding. And if you tell her that her hoarding is "wrong", she is probably going to feel attacked and will lash out, making you feel in the wrong IMO.

Jsinjin · December 09, 2019, 08:40:29 AM

Thank you Athene:

I read a couple of quick article on Radical Acceptance at your suggestion. That's actually helpful at work as well as home.

You're right that there are things I can learn to accept and stop letting them bug me.

I think in this case it's the fear of anger, violent mood swings, complete lack of intimacy or touch going on 14 years since kid 3 was born, and constant yelling and screaming at the kids that I can't accept. That set of things is what drove me into treated depression.

A friend says "yes you have PD, you have EPD 'eternal Pollyanna disorder' meaning you keep thinking she will change"

Maybe that's the radical acceptance I need to have!

Thanks for the feedback!

athene1399 · December 09, 2019, 09:19:22 AM

I think if you are planning on staying with her, radical acceptance should help. And it does take a lot of work. Sometimes I get upset about things and remind myself to radically accept. You can still have emotions while accepting, too. Like you can grieve that she isn't changing while accepting that she won't change.

Radical acceptance has helped me a lot with many things. When I first read about it, I was like "this sounds so dumb", but it does help. It's just a change in perspective. I hope it helps you, too.

Hazy111 · December 09, 2019, 11:34:06 AM

Tough tough question for many to broach .

Most people are in my view. "Once you see it you cant un see it " as they say. I experience/witness PD behavior by many many people. Just switch on the TV , radio and see/listen to a sea of narcissists, presenting talking interviewing other narcissists . Social media like Instagram and Twitter is a great source of "supply", as are "forums." Politicians and the entertainment industry is a rich vein.

I certainly am. Self awareness and insight doesnt provide an out. Part of PD behavior is the constant use of what are called primitive defences to keep them balanced and stable. "Projection" and "denial" are both powerful tools in the PD armoury.

Remember its a spectrum of various traits and behaviors. All PDs are individual. How you react to criticism is a good indicator as a fragile ego isnt resilient, its personal!

Doesnt mean you are though. You may well be co dependent and attracted subconsciously to them.

sadness2016 · December 12, 2019, 07:40:51 PM

I was told that usually if your asking that question your not. I believe we all have traits but if we can look at ourselves objectively it is not us. Abusers are great at making us feel think and believe it is us. That is part of the damage.

Akari · December 12, 2019, 11:01:17 PM

I have asked myself this question so many times. Right now I'm being discarded..I think. I made a request of him numerous times to stop accepting/responding to Twitter DM's from random girls. Not his friends, but random girls. It made me uncomfortable. He automatically switched it to me. I was attacking him, scaring him and how dare I ask him to stop talking to his friends. He said "you want me to give them up for you?" That hurt, bad. So right now I'm sleeping in a separate room contemplating if I did attack him, did I request something I shouldn't have, am I trying to control who he talks to and even worse that he's in the other room having a dandy time on social media. I'm so tired of being confused. Tired of not having anyone to talk to. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm only holding it together for my kids. I feel like a terrible person. If I just would have let him do his own thing instead of intruding we'd be fine. Now I'm alone and he's got friends and outside activities. What have I become. Nothing. He's successful and social.

Jsinjin · December 13, 2019, 11:37:03 AM

Quote from: Akari on December 12, 2019, 11:01:17 PM
I have asked myself this question so many times. He automatically switched it to me. I was attacking him, scaring him and how dare I ask him to stop talking to his friends. He said "you want me to give them up for you?" That hurt, bad. If I just would have let him do his own thing instead of intruding we'd be fine. Now I'm alone and he's got friends and outside activities. What have I become. Nothing. He's successful and social.

I cut and pasted from your message. You are completely being gas lighted and his behavior whether defined as PD or as simply bad behavior is not acceptable. You are not wrong as a spouse to want to be put first to trust, social media, friendships, and in the marriage. I'm not a counselor and can't advise on codependent or other issues so I urge you to validate with a counselor if you have questions on that.

But never ever consider an open request to your spouse about treating your feelings and concerns with dignity as anything that is an attack on him. You are not wrong, you should be valued and appreciated and your feelings should be very important to him to understand and discuss especially if they are about your relationship with him and being valued. That is absolute and should be part of every marriage.

Poison Ivy · December 13, 2019, 11:46:21 AM

Akari · December 13, 2019, 12:48:21 PM

You're right Jsinjin. Thank you. Deep down I know this, but when night comes and I'm alone in the dark I want to crawl back to him apologizing. I haven't yet though.

pushit · December 13, 2019, 09:57:55 PM

Quote from: sadness2016 on December 12, 2019, 07:40:51 PM
I was told that usually if your asking that question your not. I believe we all have traits but if we can look at ourselves objectively it is not us. Abusers are great at making us feel think and believe it is us. That is part of the damage.

This is something I've read and been told as well, and I strongly agree with it. Now that I can't "unsee" my exPDw's behavior patterns, I fully recognize that she has zero ability to look inward. She is never the problem, always somebody else. The fact that you're thinking about it very likely means that you're not a PD.

Every person on this planet has behaved like a PD at times. Reacting poorly to something, addictions, lashing out at others, rejecting responsibility for something, etc. We've all done it. This is the thing that (for me, personally) makes life a bit challenging/interesting once you come Out of the FOG. Now that I recognize these behaviors in people, sometimes it seems like everyone around me is a PD. I certainly know that's not the case, but it's so hard not to see it in people now and wonder if they are a PD, and wonder what they're really like behind closed doors and how they treat their family.