The Last Push To Get My Belongings

[Kat54]

In the home stretch with my stbxuNPDh with him purchasing our home and me getting all of my things out. While he tells my kids he want me to get my crap out, he has to hoover and stay in control right to the end to make sure I'm not stealing from him, and has to be there but incredibly intimidates me, makes me so fearful just walking in the house I start shaking. Last time I came alone he was yelling at me running up to me while I carried boxes demanding to see what was in them. It was pretty awful and he was making me so nervous I had to leave.

I rented a POD to be dropped at my sisters house around the corner for the first week of January to store the furniture.  This week I have to go back and get what is left and label the furniture that will be taken, and ask him one more time to produce the things that are missing. Jewelry, something that was my mothers that is now missing from the attic. He has reorganized the attic recently so I know he has these coins that my mother had collected.  I'm bringing my brother in law along this time. My ex has remained on good terms with him so it may help everyone stay in control and calmer.

Yesterday they were all out of the house at a family party of my ex, and I thought it would be a good time to go in and get what was left while everyone was out. My ex is so paranoid I'll steal; (he projects, because look who's stolen things) so of course he locked the door to the attic!  Darn..

[pushit]

I definitely think it's a good idea to have someone with you, I wouldn't go over there alone if I were in your shoes.

When we separated our belongings the lawyers were in the middle of it.  Part of our separation agreement listed out things we specifically wanted, and what was ours pre-marriage.  We sent a list back and forth and negotiated until we could both live with it.  Family heirlooms and such were all considered pre-marriage so they automatically went to the rightful owner.  Is there a way you could get your lawyer involved to get back some things like the coins?  I know it sucks to spend big money to get back these things, depends on if it's worth it to you.

In my situation my exPDw wanted to save face with the public, so she was very good about giving me everything that came from my family.  What she did do was take every single thing the kids liked, their good toys, clothes, furniture before we even had a chance to negotiate.  Luckily for me that just equates to money, not memories, and I was able to take the kids out shopping to let them pick out everything they want for themselves at my house.  Family heirlooms are a tougher deal, so I feel for you there. 

I had another funny reminder this weekend while setting up the Christmas tree with my kids.  There was a bag of decorations and things she intentionally gave me a couple weeks ago so we went through it.  There were a couple of my old decorations from when I was a kid, my stocking (she kept the kids' stockings of course) and then a bunch of garbage decorations that were falling apart and worthless.  I just laughed....

[Kat54]

Pushit-  Funny, last Christmas when I went looking for some of our Christmas decorations my ex, he left me a box of ornaments, All of them were garbage, The ones we never used.  You have to laugh it off. It's just stuff and this is all temporary with the living situation.

[notrightinthehead]

I had a similar experience - my NPDh recently dropped off a suitcase full of random, partly dried up art supplies that I used with my kids who are grown ups now. He easily could have donated the still usable paper and craft items at a place that works with kids and discarded the dried up colours, sponges, cloths - but no, he chose to fly the stuff to another continent to drop it at my house. He probably achieved his aim because I was upset. I wish I had your wisdom at the time and could have laughed about it.  Instead I gave him the satisfaction of having been able to provoke me into an angry reaction...

[Whiteheron]

stbx finally allowed me to have some of the belongings I asked for. When I stopped by, there were two big boxes sitting there for me. I was in a rush and didn't open them until I got home. Maybe one or two of the items I asked for were in there, the rest was useless junk he felt belonged to me. 

He claims he can't find what I'm asking for (items from my family/childhood). I know he's just being difficult - it's all about control with him.

When I was moving out, he changed the locks and was conveniently "not available" any time I wanted to drop by and pick up more of my things. He did this while at the same time complaining to the court that I left the house a "cluttered mess." 

He then made piles of "my stuff" and left them in the garage for me to go through. Most of it was kids' stuff - winter boots, snowpants, coats, shoes. Then there was the garbage - bags of recycling and garbage. The cherry on top? He set out the cat's dirty litter box, complete with turd. I also found the litter scoop wrapped in a towel in a taped up box. btw - he still had a cat at the house.

At that point, all I could do was shake my head and take photos. Lots of photos. I don't know if he was trying to be petty and vindictive, or if he is truly that disordered. I think I settled on a bit of both.

[pushit]

Interesting that we all see the same behavior from them.  I just chalk it up to her discarding me.  I get all the trash that we owned together because I guess I am now trash in her mind.  This has happened to me with most everything.  Anytime she gives me a bag of stuff - whether it's children's clothes, toys, home decorations, etc, it's usually stuff I don't even recognize and after going through it I toss most of it.

Kat54 - Would there be any way you can make the issue of the coins more public so he is likely to behave?  Maybe phrase it  as "my siblings were asking about that coin collection, do you happen to know where it went?"  For some reason that works like a charm with my exPDw.  If she thinks other people are observing then she is super cooperative, if it's only between us then I just get ignored.  Maybe send an email copying several family members asking him about it, and see what he does.  If nothing else, people see for themselves who is causing all the problems.

[Kat54]

Pushit - when I go there and hopefully with my brother in law I'll ask right in front of him. He'll probably produce them because he won't want seem like the person he really is in front of his brother in law; he only saves it for me.

As far as handing me junk, its very true when its all about discarding the junk in the house that would include me. He gave me a few bags of kitchen items, and it was all about how I couldn't take anything, he stayed in control and decided what I was to take by lining up bags at the front door. I asked for a few platters, I received these old plastic platters from cookie parties over the years. Broken plastic serving spoons, you name the junk and that is what I got.

Its OK, I'm starting new, and I'll get new things.

[pushit]

Its OK, I'm starting new, and I'll get new things.

This is the way I like to view it.  I'm currently renting a house but will be buying one in the spring.  I haven't bought much new stuff yet because I'm waiting until I buy a house, but I'm very excited to get into a new place and make it MINE.   

[Bluebird]

Its OK, I'm starting new, and I'll get new things.

This is the way I like to view it.  I'm currently renting a house but will be buying one in the spring.  I haven't bought much new stuff yet because I'm waiting until I buy a house, but I'm very excited to get into a new place and make it MINE.   

Pushit and Kat I am thinking the same as you. I have a few sentimental things I'd really like to get back out of the house and the rest can stay there if there's too much drama attached to getting them.

[Whatthehey]

Goodness, this is exactly what is happening with me.  I feel like maybe I wrote the post?   

Hired a moving firm for the big stuff - all the family inherited furniture.  The little stuff I asked if I could come back the next day while he was at work to box up - he told me no because he had to inspect the boxes.  As it is - I was able to take a few precious light weight items but left a lot behind.  I may never see them again.

I woke up in my rented duplex feeling whole surrounded by the few family furniture items from youth.  Good feeing. 

As for the rest, annoying yes but it's only stuff.  I want to downsize anyway because I realized sleeping in a place with only a chair and a bed - that I like the minimization.  I like the warmth of my families stuff but I really liked the freedom of not owning much as well.

I can't believe that the house we lived in for 25 years is off limits to me.  I should have kicked him out instead of leaving.

[eclecticmom]

Can I ask a question?  I'm the one filing, but my spouse is the one who decided to move out--I never said go; he had a right to stay here until the paperwork went through, and we were essentially living as non-communicative roommates the last couple of months.  Although, his last night here, he did claim he was being kicked out.

As he was moving out, I did go through our stored stuff and only gave him what was his or what he used, and made sure I was there when he came to get things.  And yes, I tried to lock him out once.  I offered every piece of furniture that could possibly be construed as his, though: bed, desk, hand-me-downs from his relatives, etc.  He only took the pieces he used.  I was afraid he'd go after something sentimental or crucial to me, but he didn't.  It's not projection, as I tried my best to dig up everything that was his, even things he forgot about.  I'm still on the lookout for an heirloom that has legitimately gone missing.  Anyway, reading your stories and looking at how it went down with us makes me wonder: am I the one being controlling or PDed?

[Whatthehey]

Eclecticmom,  Every has a different experience.  I applaude for your kindness in making sure he has what is needed and wanted.  That is different from my xOCODh who wont me in to take the last few things.  Although I suspect I will get a call in the spring asking for help.

I had to leave quickly for safety.  If I never went back it would hurt but be ok.  I hope you have support through the process.

[pushit]

Eclecticmom - Just do the best you can.  Sounds like you're being very honest and true to yourself, stay with that.  Remember, everything doesn't have to happen right now, just be a rational adult (like you are) and know that if something shows up you can give it to him when you find it.  If you find his grandmother's clock in 6 months, reach out to him so he can have it.

In my situation - exPDw and I are still exchanging things as we find them.  The drama is over.  The Christmas decorations I got were mostly junk but she actually gave me a couple from my childhood which I appreciate.  She took most everything from our house, but I split out the things that should be hers and gave them back over time.  These splits start out messy, but end up working themselves out.  At this point she may have something of mine that I cared about but I don't know what it is now.  The peace is worth not knowing.

[Kat54]

I was going through my Christmas ornaments he gave me last year as my daughter was helping me decorate my tree last night.  He did give back the ornaments from my childhood, and he also gave me junk ones that we never used, but there were some in there that I always loved, so what I'm saying is he gave what he thought I would like...along with some junky ones. 

Over time it does all work it self out, its the beginning of this process that is so messy and brings out the worst in people.

[Spygirl]

I have been packing to move from my temp home at the end of the month and while sorting through things, I found some photos that my PDX should have. they are  important to him being pictures of him with deceased family members and deceased family friends. I also found some of his items that had gotten left just through the emotional turmoil of getting a few things out and I'm boxing and returning those items the same time as well.

Um, what I Left Behind and was not allowed to take with me was some things I had collected during the marriage for entertaining. Very nice silver plated serving pieces and a very large antique China cabinet and dining table that he wanted to fill up the Room and use for parties.
It's ok. Like one of the other posters in this thread said new life new things because they are just things. Not to mention the cost of moving that stuff 3000 miles would be crazy it would be smarter just to purchase new items for a new space.

I let him have the win on a lot of that stuff.