.... making a simple cup of tea (or not) was another indicator

[Hazy111]

I was watching a repeat of a classic comedy the other day (The Royle Family for UK viewers ) about a working class dysfunctional family, its really well observed, where nothing much happens but much is said and revealed.

There was a scene where the son visits his mum and dad and hes chatting with his mother when his awful father suddenly offers to make his son a cup of tea. The son and mother look at each other open mouthed in awe that hes actually doing something for someone else. Of course it plays out that the father just wants to borrow money from his son.

But it got me thinking that i cant actually remember my father ever making me a cup of tea. Our family like a lot of UK ones live on tea. My mother made it regularly  through the day. I racked my brains. Nope never. I think when i was young my mother visited her mother back in Ireland and he must have done then cos he did feed us.

But when she died my father was alone and when i visited i automatically made him tea. If i didnt he would soon mutter about  "put the kettle on son would you" "fancy a cuppa?"  from a sedentary position or on the way into the living room from the front door. Cue for me to make him tea. He never ever made it.

If he was at my sisters, he would sit himself down and if a cup of tea hadnt been proffered in time , he would mutter to me if my sister wasnt in the room, "what do you have to do get a cup of tea in this house  " or " youd die of thirst here wouldnt you" always out of her earshot. Completely oblivious to what she was doing.  It was my cue to go to the kitchen. Sometimes i would reply " im not thirsty Dad" . He would give you a look and tap his fingers on the chair, his foot would start twitching. But he would never offer to make one. Silence.  It drove her mad and sometimes she would slam it down on a table beside him. He wouldnt say a word, or maybe  "whats rattled her cage"   

The other thing when visiting him , i would be their hours and make him lots of tea, but invariably he had barely touched the last one. He never refused a new one. " Ohh this ones gone cold" or some excuse. It was never " ive had enough, thanks" . The drinking of the tea was superfluous i realised.  It was about him asserting " control and dominance" over his family. "Master and servant" . "Someones arrived to serve my needs"  and extracting some "supply". It was done in his manipulative covertly style, never with an argument or a raised voice. As he once said "i imply things"

When his carers arrived i would offer to make them a cup or sometimes they would make him one , he never said no, even if id just made him one. 

As you come Out of the FOG ..... The more you see it , you cant un see it.

[1footouttadefog]

There were entire generations that too many like him.  Life was all about extracting service and "respect" from others.

I notice that a great many people who act like you described above, are very superficial in how they evaluate others.  They often make instam assessments based merely on their job or the quality of their clothing.  If they can hang out with someone of a higher social status it's as if they were themselves elevated and they in turn expect more service and displays of "respect"

 

[Pepin]

There were entire generations that too many like him.  Life was all about extracting service and "respect" from others.

I notice that a great many people who act like you described above, are very superficial in how they evaluate others.  They often make instam assessments based merely on their job or the quality of their clothing.  If they can hang out with someone of a higher social status it's as if they were themselves elevated and they in turn expect more service and displays of "respect"

Ugh....yes!  Service and respect.  When I lived at home, NF expected me to make him lunch.  At that point I was also making dinner every night, too.  But the way he would announce that he was hungry for lunch was less than eloquent: When are you going to make me that sandwich!    Rude on many levels.  Glad to be free of that dysfunction and subservience now.

[Hazy111]

The interesting thing about it was that he was aware that he did it and what he was doing. But acknowledgement  would seep out in strange ways.

He has an unnatural  obsession about the real Royal Family. Ever since i was a kid he would rail against them soon as they were mentioned on the TV etc. I never knew anyone else like this . Some people are Republicans and others Royalists and some in between, not bothered. But his obsession seemed irrational.

Then when you understand PD behavior and primitive defences it begins to make sense.  When he would rant against them he was "projecting". "They have a life of privilege , never do a days work, waited on hand and foot , life of Riley" etc. He was talking about himself, that part of himself he didnt like but couldnt recognise or acknowledge.  I mentioned this to him once or twice about his projections, but was dismissed as "im not mentally ill" Hey HO.

[NumbLotus]

Do you think he dislikes that aspect of himself? Maybe his rants about the royals means he is jealous of what he feels entitled to. Sure, he already gets served, but surely they are served even more?

[CagedBirdSinging]

Yes! The cups if tea, ir lack there of. It's the absence of simple acts of kindness.
I read this quote in church a while ago and i have no idea which book it came from but it really summed up so much for me:
'I didn't want to force his hand, to prompt an act of kindness that should have been spontaneous.'
Particularly when i was pregnant and shattered and getting so little support from my dBPD/NPDh, friends would say to me, 'why don't you just ask him to make you a cup of tea?' But that's not the point. If I have to ASK then it's not an act of kindess. And that's what the tea is, let's face it. It's not about the actual tea, much as I love a good cuppa, it's about the meaning of the gesture.

[Jsinjin]

'I didn't want to force his hand, to prompt an act of kindness that should have been spontaneous.'

That's so interesting to read.   It's like you as a person hope for something sweet and special whatever it is from your spouse.    My uOCPDw is highly routine oriented and highly functional but even the concept of a hug or simple gesture to make me or one of our kids feel better is both not spontaneous and at the same time an imposition.   She can even understand when you tell her it's needed emotionally and will say "I understand but I'm just not wired that way"

[athene1399]

My ex would only do nice things for me when he suspected I was thinking about leaving him.

Hazy, like you said with the "once you see it, you can't unsee it." I just realized how abusive my father was/is. I can't believe I couldn't see it before. I had the realization recently and now so many things make sense and it's like I am seeing it in a new light. I never realized how cruel he was.

[Hazy111]

Do you think he dislikes that aspect of himself? Maybe his rants about the royals means he is jealous of what he feels entitled to. Sure, he already gets served, but surely they are served even more?

Numblotus i fear you maybe right i did consider it.  He wasnt waited on enough. My mother would complain about him, "its because he was a lonely child and his mother spoilt him" . But she spent her life moaning and suffering due to her martyr/victim uBPD hermit/waif poor me persona.  "I wait on everybody hand and foot in this house!" She would never act. I once started to do the washing up and she started to shout at me to stop stop,, leave it leave it!! Ill do it" After moaning for ages about no one doing the washing up!  If other people did things for her, her martyrdom would be removed (her narcissistic supply).

'I didn't want to force his hand, to prompt an act of kindness that should have been spontaneous.'

That's so interesting to read.   It's like you as a person hope for something sweet and special whatever it is from your spouse.    My uOCPDw is highly routine oriented and highly functional but even the concept of a hug or simple gesture to make me or one of our kids feel better is both not spontaneous and at the same time an imposition.   She can even understand when you tell her it's needed emotionally and will say "I understand but I'm just not wired that way"

Yes a simple act of kindness. Basic empathy. Which of course they can fake as and when it suits there needs.

[Hazy111]

Ive mentioned it before. But then there was the family car which only he could drive . Mother never passed her test despite 5 attempts. Anxiety got the better of her.  Interesting if she had passed , would he let her drive it?  "Its not a bloody taxi"  i can still hear that phrase.  Imagine driving to and picking up your children from events? You knew not to ask and it was such a laborious effort to get it out of  the too small garage. Could have parked it out front now and again , but then it would be available for use!

[athene1399]

I am so sorry, Hazy. All that sounds difficult to deal with. I am sorry you went through this.

My uPD mom would say "never mind I'll do it myself" if we didn't stop what we were doing to immediately do was she asked. Then she'd storm around the house, tossing things around loudly so we'd know just how mad she was. And if we tried to take over what she was doing, she'd say what your mom would: "Leave it. I'll do it.".

[Hazy111]

I am so sorry, Hazy. All that sounds difficult to deal with. I am sorry you went through this.

My uPD mom would say "never mind I'll do it myself" if we didn't stop what we were doing to immediately do was she asked. Then she'd storm around the house, tossing things around loudly so we'd know just how mad she was. And if we tried to take over what she was doing, she'd say what your mom would: "Leave it. I'll do it.".

Yes its insane isnt Athene. To the outside world and to me for most of my life i thought our family was fairly normal . Then it all starts to unravel. I didnt disassociate all of it. I remember once discussing once with my sister (when i wasnt NC with her) . Do you remember "bastards bastards bastards" ? She looked at me blankly.

I said it came back to me one day. When she used to do  the washing up she used to get a tea spoon and vigorously rub it up and down between her palms and it would click against her wedding ring ( i can still hear that sound), with the accompaniment  of a  suppressed cry of "Bastards bastards bastards! " that we could just hear from the living room. Well i could , my Dad just tuned out as per and my sister was locked in her bedroom, all normal in a suburban household, nothing to see here.

[Hazy111]

There were entire generations that too many like him.  Life was all about extracting service and "respect" from others.

I notice that a great many people who act like you described above, are very superficial in how they evaluate others.  They often make instam assessments based merely on their job or the quality of their clothing.  If they can hang out with someone of a higher social status it's as if they were themselves elevated and they in turn expect more service and displays of "respect"

I know people exactly like you describe. I was thinking about this a lot recently. I had  a few "friends"  like this. I saw it described in a book as a subset of NPD . The person by associating with "better" people hopes it will "rub off" on them as they merge psychologically having weak boundaries. " l am you , you are me" . Stems from chronic inferiority.

[athene1399]

Sending hugs.  It can be overwhelming to process that stuff.