I am not a victim

[resrchbug]

I am not a victim. I freely chose my husband and decided to stay with him for 35 years. I am however a recovering SSLD or codependent or Stockholm Syndrome sufferer. I stayed with him for so many reasons, children, fear, should's, peer pressure, etc. When we took early retirement and moved far away from our children and friends, I changed. I began aggressively recovering the me I had suppressed.

I rediscovered who I am and what I like. Much to my surprise, I found out how much I disliked the neglect, and abuse I lived with on a daily basis. I say surprised because, I had blocked it out so thoroughly I didn't even hear it or experience.  As I began to treat myself as a human deserving what all humans deserve, I got the immediate reaction of my 'loving' husband. In order to do anything for myself, I began to go elsewhere. To work for months out of state, to visit friends and family often. Bit by bit, it became harder and harder to go  back. Even when he promised to change.

Then it reached the point where I spend more time (80 %) away from our house and him. His issues with filth and hoarding reached epic levels and my stress and extreme allergy to the mold, dust and mice in the house makes it even harder to return.

Yet deep inside, there is still this voice that tells me I am not a good wife. I told him I loved him (and I do - at least the man I married) and yet I continually choose to go away from him. I told him I am choosing to go where I am healthy but he is not capable of cleaning the squalor his has created in my absence. I know, when I am not there, he has nothing. He has lost himself and tried to replace himself with me and our children. I don't know why this vestige remains. The bit that tells me I must prove to him I love him. It's crazy. I spent 35 years as his virtual slave, waiting on his every whim and taking care of his every need and now when I take care of myself, I am bad.

Well, no more. No more spending hours worried about him because he has pneumonia and won't go to the dr unless I come home and take him. No more spending christamas alone without even a simple decoration because he doesn't feel like it and doesn't want to spend any money. No more trying to help him feel better about himself when his own children won't talk to him. No more letting him control me and expect me to comply insane requests. I just don't care anymore whether all the good people will approve. I don't care what people I don't know think about me.

I am a good woman. I deserve life. I am not doing this to him. I am doing this for me.

[Kat54]

I am so happy for you!! Reclaiming your life. You are not a victim, and you've got this. We sail our own ships and take responsibility for what we do or Do not do. 
I'm sorry for what you have been through, and the guilt and difficulty leaving. You can only save yourself and  no longer be responsible.

[Jsinjin]

I'm so proud to read your words and so impressed and in a way jealous of your decision.    You have made the bold decision!   Prayers and best of luck and hopes for you!

[Spygirl]

Yes,

Fortune and peace favor the bold.

[notrightinthehead]

Bravo!
Don't blame yourself when you fall back into that old habit of worrying about him. You can worry as much as you like as long as you don't act on it by jumping back into your care taker role for him forsaking the care taking of yourself.

[cant turn back]

Bravo Resrchbug, I applaud your bravery.

I am walking a similar path.  I chose to stay for 30 years, just like I have chosen to leave and be on my own.  Divorced for one year now.  It's not easy, but at least it's honest.  I'm no longer living a life that is fake, no longer giving up my integrity to fill the emptiness that is within him, an emptiness that I could never fill, a sadness and brokenness that I could never resolve for him.  Yet I am and will forever be the enemy that betrayed him.  I know I've done the right thing, yet, my own dysfunction still yearns for everyone to know it, I'm not yet able to fully live out the 'not caring what people think''.

"I am not doing this to him. I am doing this for me.". EXACTLY!!

[20yrsofcrazy]

"I am not doing this to him. I am doing this for me.". EXACTLY!!

I love this! 

Please keep loving yourself! 

[eclecticmom]

Reminds me of when mine asked me when I stopped loving him.  I told him I didn't (true).  What I didn't tell him, because I didn't have the guts, was that I started loving me.  I hope you're able to conquer that nagging guilt, because it's all a lie.