Schizoaffective Dad with DPD, and His Narcissistic Brother

[Frozen34]

My story is long and complicated. I'll try to summarize it here the best I can, but it's one of those unbelievable stories that I never thought would happen to me, that there are so many details that if you don't know all of them you lose some of the picture.

I'm an adult female, the only child to my parents. My mom was normal, no mental illness or PD, but my dad was diagnosed in his teens or early 20s with schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety. After my mom died of cancer in 2015, his behavior changed and his diagnosis was changed to schizoaffective disorder. My dad's mom also died in 2015, earlier that year. Prior to these deaths, my dad was pretty much normal. He was lucid and clear in describing his illness to me as I grew up and wanted to talk to him about it. I loved him very much, he was a very caring and calm person. He was an introvert like me. My mom was also mostly introverted. My dad received disability benefits and my mom worked full-time. He was mostly normal during their entire relationship together and even after I was born. No abuse, although my mom was very dominant. She did so much for my dad: made sure he took his medication, cooked meals for him, took care of the house and finances, the dog, act as support for me as a student/worker, etc. I did notice he didn't do much or have many hobbies. He would watch TV and bring us or pick us up from work or school for me. We lived a few streets down from his parents and I noticed he was close with them. His mom definitely "babied" him and anyone, really. His dad took part too. We visited them often and spent basically all holidays with my dad's family, to please my dad, it seems. I also noticed he could get nervous easily when learning new things, and didn't want to learn really.

Cut to my dad's mom's death in early 2015. After that I started noticing changes in him. He became much more distant, spending more time with his very elderly, grumpy dad, and sometimes saying things that were off. Come to find out my dad had stopped taking his medication. By this time my mom was ill and in bed a lot, and there was no hope to treat her cancer anymore. She told me to make sure my dad took his medication. He was manipulative with it and wouldn't take them in front of me, but I tried my best. Regardless, after my mom died, his mental health took a nose dive, getting worse and worse each week. More and more delusional, reckless with money and driving, hitting on women left and right days after my mom died, spreading terrible lies about my mom, and even being verbally cruel to me, was angry at my mom for dying, etc. I almost ended up in the hospital myself, as I have depression and anxiety, and after my mom's death had to suddenly take on her role and meet my dad's every demand, and deal with his unreasonableness. I was his health care proxy and power of attorney. I was also taking care of the bills, house, the dog, etc. My dad ended up hospitalized and has been in and out of hospitals and nursing homes ever since, only staying out (while still ill) for 6 months to a year at a time. He seems to get worse every fall.

After my mom died I was struggling to manage everything. My only confidant at the time - my mom's sister, let's call her Betsy - suggested I ask my dad's brother to help. Let's call him Luke. Luke agreed to be my dad's health care proxy, and did so. After my mom died, Luke and his wife thought that me going out to eat with them weekly, with my depressed grandfather who barely acknowledged me and thought nothing good of me already due to me not working full-time, would help me. They kept pressuring me to go, even though I said no multiple times. I finally blew up and said I didn't want to go because I didn't like my grandfather. My aunt said "oh he's just grieving" while Luke didn't even respond at all to my concerns and frustration. Luke never called me himself after that - I always had to call him to confer on my dad's care. Then I found out there was a way for me to save my dad's money from going to the nursing home he was in and would be in for a while, I knew this because he was still delusional after months of treatment, and no prognosis in sight. Betsy agreed with this plan, but suggested I tell Luke about my plans. I did, and he said "good luck with that,” seemingly sincerely. Days later, behind my back, Luke had manipulated my still ill and delusional dad into believing I was trying to steal his money (which I was not), taken him out of the nursing home temporarily to his lawyer's to sign over the power of attorney from me to Luke. Luke then cut contact with me for no reason, and if I wanted to ask him anything about my dad, I had to go through his wife via text. I was floored. How can my own father and uncle betray me like this?

Needless to say, after Luke took over power of attorney for my dad, he's been paying my dad’s bills and even now has all of my dad’s mail sent to his house. So my dad isn’t even managing his own mail at all. Luke hasn't come up with a plan for my dad's finances (including multiple inheritances he received, which are all used up now) since he took over, almost 5 years ago. My dad is still living in the house he can't afford. He's broke and living off of Luke, who provides him money when he runs out. My dad, once Luke took him out of the nursing home for good back in 2016, ended up giving over 30k to his maid because he thought she loved him, which was a scam. My dad cannot make good decisions, cannot even pay his bills (at first he didn't even know how to write a check, then he just convinced Luke to pay them for him) and struggles to even do his chores at home. He recruits friends of his to wash his dishes and cook for him. He's so far gone. He’s unreasonable, angry at me, puts me down, verbally abuses me, puts Luke and his family on a pedestal while criticizing me, making demands of me and even my partner even though we are thousands of miles away now. He threw my mom under the bus after she died, smearing her name and telling anyone who will listen how "slutty" she was - when she wasn’t at all. He lies. I don't think he will ever be my "normal" dad again. Luke has done a terrible job at "helping" my dad get better, destress his life and have a financial plan. My partner and others agree with me, but somehow my dad thinks his brother and the rest of his family is the best thing in the world and is always right. This is not the dad I new. He turned into an extraverted person lacking empathy towards me, he's needy, demanding, greedy, dirty, and inappropriate often. Although I cannot diagnose Luke, I'm convinced he has narcissistic traits. He has a huge ego. He is supposed to be my "godfather" yet he never once reached out to me to have a meaningful conversation with me in his life, despite so many holidays celebrated with his family. When I came to him with concerns after my mom died, about legal things etc., he had no sympathetic response, and would either not say anything or simply say "thanks for letting me know." He has done bad things in the past but he never apologizes or takes responsibility, instead blames others. He has lied to my dad countless times and verbally abused him, and has basically cut me out of my dad's life, without even batting an eye. My dad is dependent on Luke and will put up with anything just to stay in his good graces.

Before I cut contact with my dad, one night during a phone call with him, he barraged me with things he perceives I've done wrong, which are delusional, and won't even sympathize with me at all regarding how Luke treated me. Somehow, I am always the "bad guy." He even swore at me, put me down, etc.

My partner lived with me and my dad for some months back when I was still living with him, and so he knows my dad’s craziness first-hand, and has always suspected there is something else wrong with my dad that goes beyond his schizoaffective disorder. For example, why is my dad’s friend with schizophrenia too doing chores for him, but my dad claims he can’t do it himself? My partner did some research online and discovered dependent personality disorder. We are fairly convinced my dad has this disorder. He's been dependent on people all his life, starting with his parents. Never lived on his own till after I moved out. It fits him nearly to a tee. It would also explain why his personality changed so drastically after he lost his mom and my mom. I believe, along with many others, that my dad should've been in an assisted living facility years ago, and have voiced my concerns to my dad's doctors and providers... including my recent concerns about him having DPD… but I have little faith in them doing anything meaningful for him. Luke, meanwhile, has all the control and takes advantage of my dad's vulnerability, even regarding their late dad's estate. The whole situation is a terrible mess, and I can't really do anything about it. The only way to be in my dad’s good graces is to live with him and become his servant, doing everything for him, and put up with him mistreating/abusing me, which would likely destroy my relationship with my partner and end up with me in the hospital. I doubt my dad will ever get better, because Luke doesn't care to help in any meaningful way (hasn’t for almost 5 years since he took over making all my dad’s decisions, as mentioned), and his providers are terrible.

I cut contact with the rest of my dad’s family almost a year ago (their ongoing disrespect of me was too much). I cut contact with my dad almost a month ago. I blocked him on my phone but since I have an iPhone it still shows voicemails he leaves for me. Even listening to those upset me. I want to just delete them. I’ve put up with his poor behavior for years only because he’s my dad, I still have love for him, and I’ve held out hope that he realizes the error of his ways and becomes normal again, but I'm convinced that will never happen.

Any comments you have on my situation are much appreciated. I am currently seeing a therapist for my wellbeing in general, but also to work through all of this and my anger and frustration against my dad and Luke.

The thing I don’t really understand is why my dad was loving, caring, and compassionate before the deaths, but after, he completely changed into a different person, spreading lies about my mom and mistreating me, ignoring my advice, etc. How is this possible? Is this his DPD? He was so good before; he had not been hospitalized since the 90s, my mom seemed to keep him stable, and was a great dad, my best friend I thought. But after the deaths, he changed so drastically, I don’t even know now if he wanted me to be born at all. Was his previous self, my experience of him most of my life, an act?

What do you guys think? <3

[JenniferSmith]

Hi there -

I can understand why you're struggling with such a huge change in your dad.  For very different reasons, I've experienced something similar with mine, and its deeply unsettling. I've spent years working through the grief of the dad I once knew, while coping with the pain that comes with the "new version" of him, and then to also have to sit on the sidelines while other people get involved and don't always have his best interests at heart.

It seems your options to intervene in any meaningful way are very limited at this point. One thought that comes to mind is if you know how to contact his doctors, send them a letter detailing the kinds of things you've said here about his functioning, his delusions about you and your mom, etc, and mail those. These doctors won't be able to respond unless your dad signed authorizations for you (which it doesn't sound like he's done), but at the very least they will have your perspective, and it may help them be in a better position to understand and help him. You could mention in the letters that you are very concerned about the people helping him and the financial concerns, and if there is any way for you to become involved, you want that. That may be the only thing you can really do in terms of tangible intervention.

It sounds like your mom was the person who kept your dad stable and functioning and when she died, everything fell apart. Psychotic disorders are very difficult for families. The change in your family structure, due to the deaths, and then him getting off his medications for a while, kind of opened up a window for his delusions to shift and change, and now you're on the outs in his mind, and these other people are not helping to challenge that.  They are probably completely in over their heads as it is. The average person really has no idea how to deal with someone who is psychotic unless they've done a lot of reading or worked with a professional. That is not to excuse them, but its probably a factor in the whole situation.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful...  my own family situation is very complex too and so when I read your story I felt like I could understand how you're feeling. That is great that you have a therapist, its a lot to deal with.  I haven't looked but you might want to read or post on forums for alzheimers and people caring for aging parents - many older people develop delusions as part of other medical conditions, and folks on those forums might have ideas for you. Not to say you can't post here as well, but just to broaden your options for ideas and support on-line.

best wishes to you!