I’m finally seeing the light

[Spirit in the sky]

This year has been extremely challenging for me but also enlightening. It feels like there were all these separate issues going on with my parents, my husbands family, my boss and problems at work and I couldn't make sense of it all.

I really didn't want to go to NMIL's for Christmas last year, both my hubby and I have suffered a lot of emotional and verbal abuse throughout the year and we just went to keep the peace. Of course there was no peace and hubby's stepfather's outburst made it clear we were all just pretending to be happy families when really everyone resented and judged everyone else.

Initially hubby and I went nc with his family which sent his mother into a spiral of verbal abuse more attempts at controlling and manipulating me into siding aside him and when that failed, nasty letters, presents and yelling and swearing.  We are vvvvvlc now and looking forward to our first Christmas at home in 18 years.

Added to all this madness my father was diagnosed was terminal lung cancer this year and thankfully I have been able to repair my difficult relationship with him. However this has really shone a light on my relationship with my mother. I always  knew she had a personality disorder and i knew it had affected my childhood and continues to affected me as an adult but her reaction to my fathers illness has really shocked me. I'm starting to recognise very similar patterns of behaviour compared to my NMIL.

My  childhood conditioning was so deeply embedded into my mind, I didn't fully understand the damage of my parents dysfunctional relationship and my mother's obsessive and controlling behaviour towards me. She poisoned my mind against my father from a young age, she was always right and he was always in the wrong, admittedly he was at time but not all the time. I was programmed to side with her in all their arguments and if I didn't I was given the silent treatment and rejected until I seen sense.

Basically my relationship with my NMIL has mirrored my relationship with my own mother and I didn't see it clearly until now. My NMIL triggers all the unresolved issues with my mother and even now as my father is ill, my mother gets angry if I show him any sympathy or kindness. I get she's in denial and doesn't want to face the fact he's dying but really this isn't about her. I don't know why she feels she needs to punish him, it's as if she thinks his dying will be the final betrayal and she can't win this one.

Also I now understand why my female boss triggers me, she's in her 70's and treats me like a disobedient child if I 'don't do as I'm told', she huffs and sulks. I now recognise how my relationship with my mother triggers me when dealing with manipulating and controlling older women. I've set very clear boundaries with my NMIL now I need to do the same with my own mother, which won't be easy but necessary for my emotional well-being.

[Pepin]

This year has been extremely challenging for me but also enlightening.

This.  Yes.  I feel this has been the same for me. 

The crux of it:

Basically my relationship with my NMIL has mirrored my relationship with my own mother and I didn't see it clearly until now. My NMIL triggers all the unresolved issues with my mother

Thank you for sharing this insight.  It is exactly what I have been struggling with and haven't been able to form into anything as cohesive as this.  For me, PDMil has been a HUGE trigger for me about NF.  NF is out of my life through NC but PDMil is in my life because of DH.  It has been soul crushing having to deal with their relationship with each other -- and mainly because DH cannot see the light.  I saw the dysfunction with NF, why can't DH see it with his mother?  I protected my FOC against my father, but DH does not do this against his mother.  We see things completely differently. 

For the longest time DH kept at me to make amends with NF; he was essentially dismissing my pain, not understanding what I had been through.  It was extremely invalidating.  At the same time, he seeks validation from me for his disordered mother -- and I just cannot.  NO.  I cannot unsee all the things she has done, especially when there is no accountability from her or even DH on behalf of his mother. 

While I was able to set boundaries with NF, I continue to struggle with PDMil and DH.  I figured it is easier with our own parent than it is with an in-law...it is wonderful that your husband is on your side.   

[Spirit in the sky]

This year has been extremely challenging for me but also enlightening.

This.  Yes.  I feel this has been the same for me. 

The crux of it:

Basically my relationship with my NMIL has mirrored my relationship with my own mother and I didn't see it clearly until now. My NMIL triggers all the unresolved issues with my mother

Thank you for sharing this insight.  It is exactly what I have been struggling with and haven't been able to form into anything as cohesive as this.  For me, PDMil has been a HUGE trigger for me about NF.  NF is out of my life through NC but PDMil is in my life because of DH.  It has been soul crushing having to deal with their relationship with each other -- and mainly because DH cannot see the light.  I saw the dysfunction with NF, why can't DH see it with his mother?  I protected my FOC against my father, but DH does not do this against his mother.  We see things completely differently. 

For the longest time DH kept at me to make amends with NF; he was essentially dismissing my pain, not understanding what I had been through.  It was extremely invalidating.  At the same time, he seeks validation from me for his disordered mother -- and I just cannot.  NO.  I cannot unsee all the things she has done, especially when there is no accountability from her or even DH on behalf of his mother. 

While I was able to set boundaries with NF, I continue to struggle with PDMil and DH.  I figured it is easier with our own parent than it is with an in-law...it is wonderful that your husband is on your side.   

Thanks Pepin,

There has actually been a development with my NMIL ( wrote a new post) and I think hubby is sliding backwards. Our problems started with his stepfather and then NMIL became involved, up to that point hubby was still in the fog about his mother's behaviour. He's started talking to her again and she has been giving him money, and it seems all is going according to her plan.

Thankfully I can see more clearly now and I'm not over reacting, I'm observing but keeping my distance. I don't think hubby is on my side, I think he's on the side that suits him best. But I'm learning to do what's best for me, time will tell.