Is mother a Narcissist or am I Evil?

Started by JingleBells, December 11, 2019, 05:45:00 AM

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JingleBells

Hi all,

Black sheep here. Sister to 2 Golden children.

I'm a single mum who works full time, but i'm currently signed off sick from work due to a potentially serious health issue.

I have 2 kids and share care with their father who was a bad husband to me. He lied, gambled, watched porn incessantly, hit me now and again, stonewalled me for days and deliberately woke the children up when they were babies to deprive me of sleep. I had tried to leave him when the abuse first started. I went to my parents, and told them. My mother said "you can't run to us each time you have a row, YOU wanted him, YOU need to make your marriage work.

I stuck it as long as I could, then finally decided I had had enough. I told mother. She said "My life gets better and better", and stormed out of the house and got into the car. My father actually supported me here and told my husband to leave and fought my corner.

Finally, Mother decided to be supportive as my Nan urged her to. She said they would help with the kids "when they can". Now mother does not work. She never really has. She doesn't drive either, and relies on father to drive her around (but only in the luxury car). I was really happy to hear she would help me and over the years of single motherhood I have asked her about once every 2 months, or occasionally 1 time a month to have the kids for a night or two.

Out of those times, there is always a great degree of procrastination prior to replying, then some questions, where she ascertains if I *deserve* the help. On the occasions she agrees, there have been several cancellations, date changes, "mix-ups" (already arranged to go out with friends, forgot you had asked, are you SURE you did ask?) One time I was set to go to a friends wedding with my partner and on the day of the wedding mother decided she felt sick, after eating at a place I had recommended the night before and couldn't cope with babysitting. I went to the wedding alone.)

The reason I haven't stopped asking her to help me with the kids is twofold, my kids WANT to see their grandparents (plus mother complains that she hasn't seen them-but only really if there is 0% chance she could) plus, my exMIL is wonderful and has them anytime to help and I feel she should have a break now and then. They really are no trouble, and if they complain of being 'bored' give them a computer/TV and they are good as gold.

Anyway, we had a nuclear bomb fall out last week and are now not speaking at all.

Mother decided since i'm signed off work; the day I had asked her to have the kids was inconvenient as it was near Christmas and she would be "rushed off her feet" and could I have them instead. It was a Sunday night and I had made plans to see my partner. I said I would prefer to stick to the arrangements as I had made arrangements with exMIL and my partner. She agreed grudgingly. A week after, she tried again, by txt message to alter the day she had agreed to have them to a day when we had family things on. I lost my temper. I told her I thought it was only me she hated, and didn't realised it was my kids too  :-[. I said "Don't bother". Bad move.

I immediately had a phone call from my Dad. He is always tasked to deal with me if I challenge mother. I didn't answer the call. I txt mother and pointed out she has her favourite Grandchild several times a week and I rarely ask. I reminded her of the times when I was a child she singled me out for verbal abuse (when no one else could hear) and would say I was just like my BioFather who was evil and his family and that I had bad blood. I do not know my Biofather, i've always called Dad, "Dad" and he has been good to me-even though mother is Queen Bee.

Mother flatly denied ever saying such things and said I have false memory Syndrome. I certainly have not. Those words made me feel unloved and unwanted as a child, yet my siblings could do no wrong and were rarely disciplined. Whereas I had smacks, slaps, hit on nose so my nose bled at school, my bedroom door taken off, grounding etc.

Despite marrying a man like my mother (funnily enough, I partly married him to please her-sick I know, but she loved his upper-middle class criteria and I always craved her love and acceptance) I have managed well. Ive paid the mortgage on my own, since my exDH refused to contribute and juggled my life to include a relationship with a wonderful man, and I think I've done a good job all things considered.

Anyway, following the row over babysitting, mother despatched father to my house to tell me off and her turned up unannounced and walked into my house uninvited. We were eating dinner at the time. I spoke to Dad in private and told him I was upset, felt unloved, fed up with being let down and told him about mothers verbal abuse. He was upset and hugged me then went back home. He sent me a message with lots of kisses to say he was back safe and I replied.

I later had some spiteful vitriolic messages from Golden Son as mother had obviously told him (and the rest of my family it turns out), so I blocked him after telling him to get lost. and had a sleepless night, just feeling sh:tty about the whole thing.

The next day I decided to reach out to my family to make the peace. This is what I always do, so its a normal thing. So I popped a message on WhatsApp on our family group. I said I wanted to offer an olive branch, and didn't want the family to feel the need to take sides and it was Christmas and lets get along and the *problem* was sorted and I hoped to see people soon. I signed off with a kiss. Now I really was not sorry and I was very angry but made an effort to try to smooth things over. I had a gushing message from mother saying lovely message thank you. I didn't reply. I didn't want to pander to her need to always be right and never have to apologise EVER.

4 days later my father phoned me to tell me "mother isn't doing too well" and "you know what you ought to be doing Jingle" (Yes, grovel to her) I asked Dad to tell me what he wanted me to do. He said " you know how this family works and you know what you should do don't you!". I'm afraid to say I hung up.

I was angry and upset, mother cancels a babysitting arrangement, I tell her im upset and get a bit mad and remind her a few home truths, then suddenly im getting phonecalls, threatening messages and home visits and I have ruined everyone's Christmas and poor mother is @heartbroken@.

Today, Golden sister messaged me "mum and dad are *worried* about you can you reply so we know you are ok?" so now i'm being gaslighted (recently discovered the word for the technique). So I replied with the last message I sent her that she ignored.

I have to say, I have always felt like a bad person. I often wished I had never been born as a child to save my mother the burden of a kid like me who has evil blood and reminds the poor woman of that 'horrid, evil' man she shagged to create me.

OK, sorry for the Looong story. This is the abridged version.

Merry Christmas and a big thanks to anyone who has the attention span to read it all!

Jingle

Starboard Song

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

I doubt you are evil, and I've no idea whether your mother is a narcissist. Your narrative certainly displays dysfunctional relationships. As is often the case in an environment that includes a PD, there seems to be dysfunction everywhere. But you can heal.

Checkout our Toolbox, find boards you relate to, and begin right away to forgive yourself, to be kind to yourself.

Be good. Be strong.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

JingleBells

Thank you Starboard Song,

I keep getting messages from mother and others so its a bit of a head bender!

Jingle x

Hazy111

JingleBells, sorry i had to laugh at your subject post.

Mother might be an Evil Narcissist.  If that helps at all. Check out "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson when you get the time. I understand its on YouTube now, as its expensive to buy. You might be quietly amazed Good luck!!


JingleBells

Thanks i'm glad you chuckled  ;D i make fun of a lot of miserable stuff so it's refreshing to meet another similar character! I will follw your advice thanks!! X

freedom77

#5
Hey Jingle Bells,

DD is my only child.

And I am single by choice since having my DD. Due to having a string of bad relationships, being abused, stalked, etc I chose to never find myself like that again.

You are fortunate to have your MIL to help out.

It's got to be hard though, having to deal with your ex though. I am fortunate that DD father is out of the picture. It's hard being a single mom, but would be even harder if I had to deal with anymore bs from an ex. So in many ways, I'm glad I'm the only active parent. Once we get away from my BPD mother...I think life will really change for us, for the best. We'll live our best life.

I hope the same for you
xx



JingleBells

Freedom77

For the record you sound like a wonderful mum. In a few years your DD will be old enough to walk to and from school and get the bus so you won't need to ask your mother and you can both be independent.

My mother's idea of babysitting is sticking a film on and sitting on her laptop all evening. My Nan used to make cakes with me, dressing up, makeovers, gardening, make jam etc. Sad my mother has no ibterest in that stuff. Im also not the best at that sort of stuff either. I feel horror at the thought of mess and my DD is always trashing her room as it is, cutting paper and leaving bits all over the place, nail varnish on carpet etc.

Are you looking forward to Christmas? I had no plans with my family anyway as i posted previously we weren't invited to anything. Im sure i will still be classed as the dreadful ungrateful daughter who ruined Christmas. Xx