He Left at 5 am

[Doggo]

So after 19 years of being together, with me the frog in the slowly heating water, he left this morning at 5 am to drive cross country in the snow to his family. "Our" plan is to ignore the divorce papers I served him with while he sets up a practice as a "country lawyer" out there and then "in a month" I will sell our house and come out to live with him. (This from a 50 yr old man who essentially has not worked a real adult job in the 19 yrs together, despite my pleading for years.)

My lawyer's plan: get him out of the house to go make his fortune and we will proceed with the divorce once he is no longer living here.

So I thought I would be sobbing when he left and that I would feel alone and horrible--but I'm not. Delayed reaction waiting to happen? I'm just pushing it down because he left me with a house jammed with 19 years of his hoarding that I am impatient to get rid of?

Meantime: I got to put the morning news on after he left, without worrying that the sound of it would wake up the poor schnookums, who, after all, was up until 3 am chatting with his online girlfriends.

I got to throw out the old toothbrush heads that he saved for the past 5 years or more

I no longer have to use Out of the FOG on incognito browsing, to hide it from him

I can call my family and friends and talk to them any time I want, without having to be out of the house so that he doesn't overhear my conversations and stick his nose in my business/try to argue or convince me that I am actually not unhappy with him and that he has 'changed.'

bleh...waiting for the grief to hit I guess.

[Rose1]

I found I had done my grieving while I was still living with him and when he left allni felt was relief. And anger

[Whiteheron]

 

I also had grieved the loss of my marriage while still living with him.

It's a wonderful feeling, realizing the little things you are now free to do without being monitored.

[GettingOOTF]

I didn’t grieve either when he left. I think I also did it while I was married and that was what eventually gave me the strength to end it. By the time I said I wanted a divorce I was done. There was no coming back from what he’d put me though.

My ex also thought crazy thinks like yours does about you joining them. He thought we’d get divorced and then remarried. Sort of like wiping the slate clean. So ridiculous. I didn’t discourage him thinking that. I basically did everything I could to get him gone and the divorce pushed through. It’s much easier when they aren’t in the home.

[pushit]

I too did my grieving during the marriage, and was mentally done with her by the time I filed and moved out.  It feels incredible to be in my own place now, to be able to sit and read a book or put my feet up and have a beer while I watch a football game, with no one around to create unnecessary drama.  My exPDw also did some crazy things in an attempt to get back together.  Our divorce started with all kinds of accusations about me abusing her and an attempt at a protection order, then towards the end she tried to stall and get back together.  Made no sense, I just kept saying no until it was finalized.

One thing I'll say in regards to grieving:  I found at first that I felt numb sometimes, and had some days where I just laid on the couch and watched TV.  That's definitely not me, I am almost always on my feet doing some kind of project.  It wasn't grieving or depression, I think it was more of my brain re-wiring itself to a normal state.  It's been 9 months since I've been in the same house as her, the numbness is gone, and I feel more like my old self.  Don't be surprised if you have some days where you don't feel motivated.  Just be gentle on yourself and know that it will go away eventually.

[Doggo]

Thank you everyone.  He never left me alone. Was with me nearly literally for everything I did. So I am scared that once the new sense of freedom wears off I will miss him and go back to him.

[1footouttadefog]

Rebuild every part of your life so it's fulfilled and you won't have those longings, or they will be manageable.

Like the tooth brush garbage.  Take back your bathroom.  Take back your grooming habits.  Rebuild one little territory at a time and one part of your day at a time.  Meals, relaxation, communication, dressing, shopping, your car, your cars, trunk, the glove box even.  In the house it might be overwhelming if a hoarder was there but at least take back a room for you. 

I hope you find increased peace and strength for the remaining transition.

[Doggo]

I wound up taking off today just so I can at least make the rooms I have to use be cleaner

[capybara]

Hi Doggo,

I am so happy that you have some peace in your own home. My BPDH wasn't really a hoarder, but he had these collections of stuff and some things still in boxes. He left almost everything and I really want to clear it out and reclaim the space for me. I find that I am inspired to declutter stuff like the kids' toys and my own clothes since he left, and it helps me feel freer and happier.

I also keep waiting for the grief and experiencing very little of it. Occasionally it will hit - I walked through the mall a few weeks ago and started sobbing uncontrollably. But what I mourn was mostly so long ago that it feels distant.

Mostly I feel freer and happier and excited about the future. And sometimes sad and frustrated that no one IRL can understand that.

[Doggo]

Thanks, Capybara. I had a moment in the supermarket when I walked past the frozen dinners section--that was the only food he would buy for himself because he didn't work and he didn't feel that he deserved to eat anything that cost a lot of money. So I started crying when I saw those dinners--it was just so painful to watch someone you love have absolutely no self esteem--to the point that they won't take care of themselves and eat decently (even if they eat cheaply!!)

[NumbLotus]

Sounds like he maybe was pulling a waif-er on you. Could be wrong.

[Doggo]

Oh, he was full of poor me stories,  if that's what you mean. (Otherwise,  waif-er? Not sure I get it)

[NumbLotus]

Yeah, I meant the poor-me trick.

[Doggo]

His whole life is structured around poor me. I fell for it, believed it.

[Free2Bme]

Doggo,

I too grieved the death of my marriage before I left.   If I had not, I wouldn't have strength to get through divorce process and stand on my own.  I have had breakdown moments for sure, missing the person I wanted him to be.  It has required a lot of mind-over-emotion, reality checks, mental housekeeping, and time for healing.   Every passing week though, there are new revelations, new hope, and peace. 

I understand about incognito browsing.  I was a fly on the wall here (Out of the FOG) for over a year and was too afraid to create my own profile and participate on this forum.  I would wait until he went to sleep to read about PD.  So much fear. 

Now, I have good days, punctuated by bad days. Gradually, more good days for sure.

Everyone is different, but it helped me to ...

change the locks (he broke into my home twice)
make some purchases/decisions on my own (without asking permission/fear/dread)
conquer a big house project alone
realize I could: eat, sleep, bathe, watch TV, journal, come/go as I please  - without being constantly monitored

What matters is that you do things to carve out a safe space and restore your identity.

Lean into your support network.  Journal, if that works for you.  Be good to yourself.

[cant turn back]

Like so many others, I grieved before I left.  Honestly I think it was about a two year process, coming to terms with everything before I filed, then moved out a year after that, so, like three years of heavy soul searching and grief.  Not that I knew it while it was happening.  Sometimes I feel ashamed of how little I miss him, which then makes me come to realize how unhappy and unfulfilled and invisible I was.  I miss 'being married' and having a partner, the idea of it.  But, I truly don't miss him, my ExH.  And, these days he seems to give me plenty of reasons to be angry, no real chance for any positive feelings or feelings of loss to take root.

[Doggo]

It's odd--this has been a 2-year process of coming Out of the FOG, after 19 years together. I've been angry at him for years, but two years ago he started with the irrational rages at me, which made me start realizing how bad things were. I haven't really cried in all that time--the dogs are confused now since I have been crying off and on yesterday and today. Also the dog that he 'watched' for me (he saw his 'job' as letting her sit with him on his recliner all day while he chatted with women online--instead of working an actual job)--anyhow, she is very confused, since the recliner and the H are both gone. She kept getting up all night, looking for him.

<<change the locks (he broke into my home twice)
make some purchases/decisions on my own (without asking permission/fear/dread)
conquer a big house project alone
realize I could: eat, sleep, bathe, watch TV, journal, come/go as I please  - without being constantly monitored>>

Yup, that sounds like the things I plan to do--though he is 1000 miles away now, with his family (he shared his location with me on my phone), so am not worried about the locks.
It's sad, but also freeing--I can take the dog to the vet tomorrow without having to suffer through his having an anxiety attack about it.
--I can throw things out without having to agonize over whether or not he wants to 'save' it for some future nonsense (he pulled an old ripped yoga mat out of the garbage a few weeks ago, because 'we might be able to use this in the future.')

I can actually try to celebrate the holiday season without having to sit in the house on Christmas day and listen to his sullen stories about how he always spent hours picking out precisely the perfect gift for his family members, yet no one ever got him anything that they put thought into (uh...maybe because you're a perfectionist and can't ever graciously accept a gift that people tried to give you, because it's not exactly right??)

I could use some suggestions on what to do on Christmas--I'm actually Jewish, so there are no family celebrations I can go to--and I don't live close to any friends who are celebrating. Christmas day gets pretty lonely as a result--and the H would never try to do anything special like cook a nice dinner. He would just sulk all day and all day on New Year's day. I plan to go buy myself a little tree and decorate, to celebrate my new life.

[SparkStillLit]

Watch Christmas shows? Do you like those? I like A Christmas Carol, the old one, and the old original cartoon The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. 
Cook up/bake up yummies for you and the dogs, or to share with neighbors? Bet you NEVER got to do THAT.
Serve at a shelter?
Get a book and have a sulk free day to yourself, doing what you want, maybe in pjs, with hot chocolate and a fire?

[frustratedanddiscouraged]

I want to say congratulations, I hope that is appropriate. 

I'm in a similar situation but haven't planned a divorce (yet).  My DH is jealous and controlling and always the "victim." On Saturday, I'm going to go to a Christmas party without him. I haven't told him about the party yet, but I'm going without him because he creates chaos around these situations and just last month jealously accused me of messaging someone (I wasn't) who will surely be at the party. Apparently this person--whom I don't know well at all, have never even been alone with, heck, I don't even know how to pronounce his name--kissed me on the cheek as a greeting at another party in the past and that was a big trigger and "proof." It will make him even more suspicious and jealous but there isn't a good option for me.  I'm bracing for a big reaction/ temper tantrum but I don't want to live my life around his jealousy- I want to have a life. If it was up to DH we would never go out or do anything with other people.

I get sad when I think about ending our long marriage, but what kind of marriage is it when we can't even have friends because of his unfounded jealousy?

When I read your post I just felt relief for you. Hang in there!

[GettingOOTF]

My first few Christmases, birthdays etc I was just so relived not to deal with his drama that I slept most of the day. He would start ramping up weeks before and it was so awful. I had no idea how much it impacted me until he was gone.

One year I went to a nice store and got awesome food I could never have with him. I also met up with others who were not with family. They weren't particularly good friends, just people I knew from various areas of my life.

This is just to say don't put a ton of pressure on yourself to make this a special, fun time. It won't be.

Leaving is the easy part. The hard part is staying left. It will take you a while to see and accept that your ex was the reason for all your bad feelings. Right now you will simply feel sad and lonely. You will think you miss him, but you don't really. I let mine come back more than once. Each time was worse than the last. After we finally separated I let him come over to help me with various things. I had a lot of learned helplessness plus it was all exhausting and I thought having him help with things would actually be helpful. It wasn't. He made things more stressful and harder, I just didn't see it as I was still seeing things through his eyes and listening to his voice in my head.

Focus on just getting through this time. Don't expect it to be magical and feel like a new beginning. It won't and that's totally normal.