Examples of when your spouse made you proud - a happy discussion!

[Between2rocks]

Hi everyone, recently my husband and I have sort of stumbled into a breaking point with his mother, and while I still feel like we have a long way to go, he's expressed his boundaries in a really strong and healthy way in letters to her. Despite his not looking into this stuff as much as I have, I am sometimes so surprised and proud of him for how well he's handling this.

I thought it would be nice if we all took a moment to reflect on times when our spouses stood up for us, made us proud, or otherwise showed that they were coming Out of the FOG.  Let me know about your experiences!

[Leonor]

Hi, I like this topic!

I'm proud of my dh because I came down with some really challenging but desperately needed boundaries around his folks and he agreed to all of it. Since then, he has stated these new boundaries as "how things are going to be from now on" to them. Then he said to me that he knows they are not going to change, and that he is the person that has to change if things are going to get better between us. Now he talks about a letter I wrote with my boundaries (which I thought might
be a catalyst for divorce) as a "contract" that we are committed to seeing out for and to each other.

[Call Me Cordelia]

What a great update, Leonor!!! So glad to hear that. 

I'm grateful to my DH right now for being really focused on our FOC. He's just being a great dad. Involved in the day to day life stuff, doing some teaching with the homeschooled ones, making plans for his paternity leave time, doing some projects around the house, getting baby stuff ready.

[Between2rocks]

Thank you Leonor and Cordelia! I'm very happy for you both

[p123]

Been married 23 years. I was in the fog for years.....

Dad behaviour has probably been extreme for 10-15 years. Family meals, Xmas  - my dear wife put up with all his awful behaviour. Yeh we had one or two arguments but, on the whole, she put up with him for these FOR ME. Final straw was the one xmas (he used to come every xmas day and was awful) that he ruined. All about him/ threatened to call ambulance basically kept me away from my kids ALL day. She didn't go crazy when I got home, but she did mention how upset the kids were and how awful I'd treated them - Im proud of her for that.

As I came Out of the FOG (I hope I am Out of the FOG a little) I now cringe when I think how he treated my wife and kids (and me) and I let him get away with it.

My wife really can't be in the same room as him now and I totally understand, after all hes done. Even now, he still tries to exert power over her and hates it when she wants nothing to do with him.

[Pepin]

A week or so ago DH stated that he was confused about why his siblings were unable to step up more for PDMil -- that they don't understand what it is that he has to do for her and how much of his time it requires.  Believe me, this is small but it is something.  DH is realizing that everything cannot fall on his shoulders alone.  I feel that he has been trapped in tunnel vision, servicing her for years mostly on his own.  I hope this leads to more aha moments. 

Another revelation for DH is that driving back and forth to PDMil's house if she were to visit with us (possibly at Xmas but hopefully not), is hard work and doesn't allow him to relax.  Thankfully, we haven't had her at our place for over a year now.  Yay! 

I am also happy that DH is considering possible new employment - that would likely take him into retirement.  While this position would require him to travel more, it would likely prevent him from worrying about PDMil so much because "others" would have to step in and help.  While I am slightly sad that I would also see DH less, I think that during this bumpy aging process with PDMil, that what he would be doing is a GOOD thing.  It has been both unfair to DH and our family that he has had to be employed and have us live near PDMil.  Our family needs a break from this nonsense.  His siblings and other family members need to have a turn dealing with her...

[gettingstronger1]

I thought it would be nice if we all took a moment to reflect on times when our spouses stood up for us, made us proud, or otherwise showed that they were coming Out of the FOG.  Let me know about your experiences

Timetoseparatemaybe, what a great topic.  It is important to recognize and thank people when good things happen.  I appreciate my husband for his kindness to me and how he put me and our marriage first. Yes we had lots of arguments, but he did come Out of the FOG.  It was extremely painful for him break his denial. I get this.  It is so hard to face the truth about your parents.  I have been through this too.  It is just awful to face that pain.  This past November, my husband let his uNPD mother know that she would not be allowed to mistreat or abuse me anymore.  He firmly told his mother that what she does to me she does to him too.  He told his mother that if she can not be kind to me then he can not have a relationship with a person who mistreats his wife.  She responded negatively, and I am so proud of him for remaining firm in his boundaries with his mom.  He told me today that he wants to continue NC with his mom since she remains so stubborn.  I understand that it took courage for him to do that.  I really appreciate my husband.  Education and therapy really helped our situation. 

[BeanerJane]

God bless him, he' s a good man.  His family is very enmeshed and they think nothing of interrogating you when they're curious about <literally any topic>.   At their core they're kind people and just want to HELP but they can be a lot.  I struggle with a severe inability to kindly say 'none of your beeswax' so when the interrogation begins I JADE like crazy while internally vacillating between wanting to run away and cry or shout 'fuck off!  None of your business!'.  There is a topic they can't leave alone:  My estrangement from my mother.  They want to know WHY and WHAT HAPPENED and WHEN and the CIRCUMSTANCES and EXACTLY WHAT WAS SAID.   They want to pick it apart, analyze it, discuss it in depth, and come up with a plan for repairing this sad event.  I very much want to be left alone about it.  It is what it is, I'm at peace and happy with where we are, and don't feel I owe anyone an explanation. 

DH (without being asked to) emailed his family and told them to back off and never bring it up again. It felt so, so good to be supported without having to ask for it.

[Nomoreblind]

I am proud that when I saw an opportunity to have our own business in a neighbouring country, my husband   chose us our FOC and did not let himself influenced by his uNm's drama .  She apparently went into depression because we TOOK AWAY her only grand child, according to H's sis who i believe used to bully him a lot, until she realised after a heated phone conversation with me, just because she decides to make choices, it does not mean others have to follow the same path she decides for them.    H realised that my parents live 12 hours' flight from us and miss all 3 of us but never make such drama.

I have put a boundary about never forcing me to spend xmas with his mum or sis as i feel uneasy, awkward around them and i want to enjoy that special time with our only DD, not trying to escape his mum's rude jokes at my expense.  They tried hard to push that boundary, but he supported me, without telling them it is a boundary.  I thank him for that.

[Zuul]

My husband or 13 years came put of the fog hard over the last year--attempted a last-ditch effort to be compliant by flying home at his parents demand to "fix their marriage", and ended up just wasting time & money for no reason. His NPD parents were out of control, refusing to even let him sleep--poor guy wound up being hospitalized and nobody even visited him.
After he came back, they tried hitting him up for $$ even though he had just given the family a $5,000 investment to manage & draw income from. The guilt tripping was hard ("I guess your little nephews will just starve to death...its okay, god-willing we will survive"; this coming from folks who have servants and nannies and spend every day at a country club...).
HE put his foot down and said NO! I was so proud of him😀 not only that, but he told them they can't expect him to keep sending them $$ when none of them work, and he works hard to save for his own house and baby on the way...
Naturally they freaked and started attacking me, because why should I, his stupid wife, get the benefits of his hard work and love? I blocked them for the cruel things they said, and he backed me up. After his NPD  mother tried to pressure him to quit his life in America and fly us there to have the baby because (according to her) only SHE can properly take care of our child...Ive seen how she has the other grandkids calling her "mama" and how she undermines her own children--no thanks! So DH, bless his heart, says "no way. Every time we come to visit, you all seem to attack my wife for no reason. I'm not putting her through that again". His NPD mom replied that "some people deserve to be attacked.." and he ended the conversation with her and hasn't spoken to the family since. He did finally send a letter (No idea what it said--probably a final plea for them to respect his boundaries, his life choices, and chosen family...we are having our 1st child and to see his entire family just brush us off is hurtful, regardless of what they are. I wish he had someone in his family to celebrate this milestone and be happy for him).
He is the strongest man I know, and I am so proud of his emotional endurance.