The endless pressure (late Mum)

[tob-ler-one]

Before she died my mum became ill with a chronic illness she was reluctant to accept help for. She wasn't "old", but was considered elderly at the time. I just feel sad when I think about all the things I did in my desperate attempts to care for her. Like, every day. Shopping for her incontinence underwear. Trying my best, the very best I knew how to do with what I knew to do. I feel sad for her and I feel sad for me.

It's just astonishing to me. Did I really do all that and it wasn't enough? Did she really put me under that pressure?

[SunnyMeadow]

Very sad to hear tob-ler-one. Unfortunately that sounds pretty typical, it seems nothing is ever enough for them. I'm sorry you had to experience it.

[tob-ler-one]

Thanks for your reply, Sunny.

It wasn't just when she was ill, she put pressure on me about other things, most notably my college degree. But one or two times stick out particularly for me as "What The Hell" moments. Maybe I'll post sometime.

I have MH problems anyway but feel very upset sometimes thinking about what, if anything, I could have done better for her, at any point in the years we were living together. I think she felt an ocean of disappointment towards me and I wasn't even aware that the tide was coming in. I spent a long time just walking along the beach, kicking sand, picking up shells and pottery and throwing the pieces back into the sea.

[Adrianna]

The sad reality is that there are people on this planet who can never be pleased. Caring for someone with a pd can be a traumatic experience. You could never have done enough, no one could. There is a bottomless pit there in people with pd and no one can fill it. You know you did what you could and I'm willing to bet you went far above and beyond what ever should have been asked of you. It's the basis of the codependent dynamic between someone with pd and their Nonpd, empathetic family member who keeps trying beyond all reason to please someone who can not and never will be pleased.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes Toblerone I do believe you really did do all that, and no, it still was not enough for your parent. It seems such is the dynamic of an NPD parent and a child who tends to be empathic and still maybe thinking the next thing you do will trigger a bit of acknowledgement for your efforts. You did not do anything wrong. You did not have to do anything better either.   
   
It is sad for your parent because she had a loving and generous child who she seemingly had an inability to appreciate and experience the goodness that was right in front of her. The sadness for you as the child is the loss a parent who valued you for the individual you grew into.

The ocean of disappointment you refer to is something I feel as well. Every time I see my NPD parents, it is almost like a tangible presence sitting among us. It is pressure for us because they do not own it, so it just kind of floats out there for a willing taker.  It was not your burden to relieve this pressure though, and certainly not an ocean of your making.   

[tob-ler-one]

I'm willing to bet you went far above and beyond what ever should have been asked of you.

Yes. It's difficult to think about.

The ocean of disappointment you refer to is something I feel as well. Every time I see my NPD parents, it is almost like a tangible presence sitting among us. It is pressure for us because they do not own it, so it just kind of floats out there for a willing taker.

Thanks to you both for your responses.

[puellareginae]

Lots of hugs. Be gentle with yourself, and realise you were doing what you thought was right and loving. And if your mother had been the woman she should have been, she would have appreciated all you did as an act of love for her.

[hadenough01]

       I could write a book on what I have done for my PDm and how each time, she ruins every opportunity to better herself.  I am traumatized to this day over all that I have done for this woman only for it to be wasted or cast aside.  If this were a friend, I would have cut ties long ago.  I have tried NC once before but I felt guilty.  My mistake.  Now I only am in contact with her for emergencies only (she's 81).  I am always hoping that the next time I help her, I will get some glimmer of affirmation that I have done well.  I suspected my aunt was a flying monkey but I just realized it today that she is indeed a flying monkey.  Even if I were to give up everything (my job, my husband, my 7 year old son, my life...) to be a nurse maid to my PDm, it still would not be enough.  I will never get any affirmation or acknowledgement of doing good.  The endless hole of expectations (set by my PDm and my flying monkey aunt) to be filled is not my lot in life to fill.  My flying monkey aunt said I will feel bad when my PDm dies.  Honestly, I will be sad.  I will also be angry.  In addition, I will also feel relief.