Using the Forum for Support

[p123]

If he can't work through his thoughts and feelings about his dad on this forum, then where can he?

Has being told to stop "obsessing" and just move on helped any of us? Can I feel safe working through my issues here if another member is shamed for doing the same?

If p123 is on the defensive, can any of us figure out why? He's had other people telling him what to think and feel his whole life, and he is sorting out his authentic feelings from placating others. And it's weird he's getting this kind of feedback here of all places.

Why is everyone frustrated? He has made real progress in just a few weeks. It's taken me three years to get where I am right now, and I have nothing to brag about.

Thanks numblotus. I really don't understand this "we've told you what to do so stop posting attitude". Surely this forum is for support?

I'm sorry if some people find my posts irritation or repetitive. Can I politely ask you not to read them then? No-one is forced to read them?

[Spring Butterfly]

Yes p123 exactly. You raise a good point and this needs to be its own topic so the other lost can stay focused while you get the best support and we can discuss how to best support you. You deserve support as much as anyone else here.

See my post here:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=82702.msg715167#msg715167

Everyone here is free to travel their journey in their own way and time. Some people take longer to work up strength to apply boundaries and Toolbox suggestions.

Please though may I gently suggest to keep in mind shooting down every suggestion is going to wear on people. We're all struggling and traveling our own journey. No one here is an expert or paid to help. We're each fighting our own battles and tired from our own journey. We're here to cheer each other on and point to resources.

That said you're correct. If someone is tired then just bow out of engaging. There's even a block member feature to help so that we don't even see the post contents. This way we can support each other while keeping it safe for ourself.

Wishing you peace and healing. Keep working at your boundaries and your journey!

[Penny Lane]

I want to add to what Spring Butterfly said - there are a lot of people here on very similar journeys. That's what's great about this forum, that people here understand like no one else does.

That being said, sometimes two people are sort of in a too-close-but-to-far point in their healing journey where they really can't help each other, it's just too raw. I think that's some of what's happening here.

Sometimes of course people need to hear a hard truth. But anytime you can feel yourself getting frustrated by another person's posts, either about their life or your own, there's no shame in taking a break from that thread! The goal isn't to convince others you're right, it's to support each other as we heal.

From my own experience, I have definitely gotten advice here that I was not ready to hear and I had to walk away from. Six months or a year later - I remembered it, it resonated, and it was totally right. Sometimes it takes some processing. And if the conversation had turned adversarial (either on my end or on the other person's end) it would've made it a lot harder for me to hear the very good advice.

[NumbLotus]

Please though may I gently suggest to keep in mind shooting down every suggestion is going to wear on people.

I've only been on this forum a few weeks, so maybe there is back story I'm not aware of. But I haven't seen this. Maybe I've missed it. Maybe I'm reading things differently. Maybe it's gone back to before I was here - though if that's true, it may be wirth considering if things have changed.

He has:

- Told his father he is not coming for Christmas, a big, new, and difficult step. He has also affirmed several times he is committed to this.
- Drawn a healthy boundary on placing bets for his father (online only).
- Drawn a healthy boundary on visiting on a weekend that didn't work well for him (back pain).
- Made progress on committing to put his children first over his father.
- Had some epiphanies and other progress in seeing his father's manipulative behavior and motivations (eg his odd obsession about p123 driving, paranoia that he will drunk drive and lose access to driving and thus not be at his beck and call).

There's probably more. This looks like excellent progress to me, and not at all rejecting suggestions.

The only thing I could see is that he is still working through who has what rights and what responsibilities, especially in regards to his brother and SIL. And that is a process, a big one. Sure, he could just agree with people and not make any progress - or he could honestly share what he is thinking and maybe get his mind around it. That's what getting Out of the FOG *is*. I don't know why he is expected to instantly get there.

I do think in a community like this we are alt to trip over each other and trigger each other as we are all under a lot of stress and dealing with complcated issues. I think that is understandable. I would like to see that everyone get support, and if we re frustrated with someone, which I can understand, that we not respond, or even block them (which will hide their posts so we don't have to have any feelings about them).

P123 has been able to take pushback (I've said some stuff pushing back on his persoectives myself). Better that he continue to get persoective and support than messages that he should stop posting about what he is working on.

[D.Dan]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I do know that sometimes, for myself, I get triggered by someone else's post.

Usually when that happens, i don't post anything until I can read the post objectively or don't post at all. I also sometimes do an unsent post, where I write what I want to say but don't actually post it. (I found unsent letters very helpful in that regard  )

When I get triggered, I feel like I'm in a battle and have to defend myself or my viewpoint. That can hurt someone else who is legitimately looking for support through their own healing journey.

We don't have to respond to every post we see, nor should we try to rush someone else's healing process. We all heal at our own pace and in our own ways. That will be different for everyone. 

[NumbLotus]

That's a really great post, D.Dan.

[Starboard Song]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I do know that sometimes, for myself, I get triggered by someone else's post.

Usually when that happens, i don't post anything until I can read the post objectively or don't post at all.

Great example for us all!