Just when you think you have it sorted

[Spirit in the sky]

Things have been going nicely with the vvvvvlc and NMIL. I wasn't pleased when she left presents at our house and I thought it was a mistake when hubby accepted the money in the Christmas card but I'm really trying not to interfere with his choices.

We agreed to send a Christmas card saying thanks for the presents and no thanks for the dinner invite. I fooled myself into thinking that was the end of Christmas contact. I have had a suspicion hubby was softening his stance a little after accepting the money. So I really shouldn't have been surprised when he told me he met her today and she gave him more money.  Hubby's family are very money ordinated and he can slip into that way very easily when she waves cash around.

The old me would have lost it and been angry with him, I am disappointed but I can see how his conditioning makes it ok in his mind to let her 'buy' her way back in.
But instead I seen my opportunity to re-enforce my boundaries. I have told him if he wants to try again and have a relationship with his mother that up to him. But I'm not prepared to go long with things for an easy life like before.

I need to speak my truth, so I told him straight, I don't like his mother. I don't like how she treats people and I'm not putting myself in a situation again that gives her the opportunity to insult me or verbally or emotionally abuse me. I don't know if a year of very very little contact has made her see clearly, I doubt it but it's hubby's decision and I'm not going to tell him what to do.

I think he thinks I will come around but he's in for a big surprise, I am willing to pass myself but I'm really not the same person I was last year. I'm keeping my distance and she has told me many times, the only person I care about is myself. That's exactly what I'm doing, looking after me first !

[Leonor]

Hi Spirit,

I was just wondering if your h would be open to a conversation around financial boundaries. It just seems like one of those major practical and legal issues that comes along with the pragmatic side of marriage. Your assets are combined. You share liabilities. You're each other's legal beneficiaries. I would think it reasonable, then, to establish a "no money out or in" policy with outsiders, including and especially family members. If you're not both on board (and aware of!) each other's financial activity, it could jeopardize you both. You're firmly within your rights to propose dh give the money back. Even if it's already spent and you have to dip into savings, the peace of mind will be worth it. Gentle healing to you.

[Spirit in the sky]

Hi Spirit,

I was just wondering if your h would be open to a conversation around financial boundaries. It just seems like one of those major practical and legal issues that comes along with the pragmatic side of marriage. Your assets are combined. You share liabilities. You're each other's legal beneficiaries. I would think it reasonable, then, to establish a "no money out or in" policy with outsiders, including and especially family members. If you're not both on board (and aware of!) each other's financial activity, it could jeopardize you both. You're firmly within your rights to propose dh give the money back. Even if it's already spent and you have to dip into savings, the peace of mind will be worth it. Gentle healing to you.

Thank Leonor,

Money is the one thing my husband and I don't agree on. He came from a working class family and money was always scarce, so with him and his mother, money has power. When she married her second husband, his bank account was the biggest attraction.

Both my parents were in business and and worked very hard to achieve a comfortable lifestyle and while we didn't struggle financially, I have always been careful with money and respectful. I'm the one who manages the finances and budgets, we both have a personal spending allowance and most months I don't even spend mine. Hubby on the other hand spends his immediately and would ask for advances, this comes from his mother always lending him money and then not wanting it back, a principle I don't agree with.

So now when his mother tries to buy her way back in, he doesn't stop to think of the consequences he just see spending money. I did suggest he give the money to charity but he thought I was mad. I'm not insisting he gives it back, it's his choice.

I have made it clear I won't accept 'guilt' money and if he does he accepts the consequences. His mother didn't teach his to take responsibility for his actions and he needs to learn that you don't get anything for nothing, everything has it's price. I can't be bought so whatever happens between him and his mother is up to them.