My Sister

[Sisdragonfly60]

Little bit of background, my sister has been homeless her whole life, drugs, alcohol and prostitution. Lost custody of her three children.
We have never been really close. She is 54. Even though we haven't been close I have tried to keep in touch with her.  She called me about 10 months go, he partner of. Lot of years had died in her arms on her birthday of acholism. She had no where to go and was threatening suicide.  So like a dumb ass, I said come live with me.
OMG, I want her out of my life and my home. Everything about her irrrates me. She drinks about a liter a day. Has Hep c. Doesn't care if she drinks herself to death. She no longer does drugs that I know of. No vechicle, no job. She gets food stamps and works on day a week, cleaning. That pays for cigs, phone and liquor.
I plan on moving in May to live with my daughter in another state far away. She wants to go with me, I said no.
She guilt trips me because she will have no where to go.
I was happy where I was in my life before she came, now I feel trapped. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

[Outsiderchild]

That didn't take long, did it?  And to think she was probably using her " honeymoon" behavior and not being as awful as an addict can be.  You are smart to not allow her to move with you. 

Be prepared for some act of theft as in her addiction thinking you owe her something, so it's okay to take something valuable of yours.  After all, what's she supposed to do?  You are forcing this on her. 

Maybe stop in at a few Al Anon meeting in the interim. Her behavior sounds so chaotic, it's had to affect you even a little.  They might have ideas for how to get her out with the minimum of drama and anger.   

And be proud of yourself.  First you did the kind thing, now do the kinder thing and don't let her dysfunction wreck your life. 

[GettingOOTF]

I'm sorry. This sounds so awful and frustrating for you.

I second checking out Al-Anon. Addiction is complicated and very few people get and stay sober and it doesn't sound like your sister has any intention of pursuing recovery. The only thing an alcoholic wants to do is drink. They will do and say anything and put up with any conditions in order to continue drinking. This is evidenced in your sister's behavior, she is clearly capable of working for what she considers her essential needs, so she could also work for her own rent, rehab etc. she chooses not to. She chooses to live off of you and drink.

With alcoholics the best approach is to get out do their way, they will either choose recovery or not. In most cases it's not. AA has stats on recovery rates and there is plenty of info on the web. I read a recovery board as I grew up with an alcoholic parent. It's eye opening to witness the lengths alcoholics go to to continue drinking and the havoc they cause their families. Your sister will be fine without you. Notice how once her partner passed she found you? Addicts are masters at finding people to take care of them in a way that enables them to pursue their addictions. You don't have to move, see what you can legally do about having her removed. She is not your responsibility, you deserve to be happy and life your life free of the drama and chaos alcoholism brings.

In Al-Anon they say you didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cute it. These are wise and very accurate words.  I wish you all the best. It's complicated with family and addiction. Society thinks it's our job to take care of them, and it's not. We all have choices in how we live our lives.

[Blodyn]

I really feel for you and the difficult dilemma you have with your sister.  I'm a retired mental health nurse, and the daughter of an alcoholic who died from an alcohol related disease, so I have some direct experience of this type of problem.

The first thing I would say is that although this is a close family member, her problems are her problems.  Secondly, she is not your responsibility.  She must learn to be responsible for herself and while you continue to support her, she has no reason to change.  And change is really the crux of the problem here.  Is your sister showing any signs of wanting to change her drinking habits?  By that I mean, is she trying to do something about it?  It sounds like the answer is no, and that she doesn't see her drinking problem as a problem.

Addictive behaviours don't just include the substance that the person is addicted to, it also includes their need to control others so that they can continue their habits, so you need to watch out for controlling behaviours designed to keep you as her enabler/rescuer/fixer.  This may include gaslighting, shaming you, guilt tripping you, playing the old 'if you loved me you wouldn't leave me' card, all of which is designed to keep you on the hook.

You have a right to live your life your way, and that includes not living with an alcoholic.  Yes, addiction is a disease of the mind, and it can be cured, but if a person chooses not to get the cure then there is nothing that you can do to help your sister.

A good way of assessing a person's capacity to change is to look up Prochaska's Stages of Change Model.  But to sum the model up, if a person is not even thinking about changing their behaviours then you can't do anything to help them.  And if you can't help them and their behaviours are impacting on your ability to live your life safely and healthily, then you must face the difficult decision of letting them go.

If you stay living with your sister, the risk of you becoming her enabler increases.  It may sound uncaring to think about leaving her or asking her to leave, but in the end this will be the biggest act of love you can do for her.  It's tough love, but it's real love.

I hope you find your way through this dilemma.

Sending you hugs and best wishes.