Here we go again! Another pregnancy to announce and another Christmas to do

[bumblebee44]

looking for advice!
Been with spouse for 10 years, our wedding 5 years ago things really really blew up (ubpdmil and ubpd bil drank way too much screamed at me and drove home hammered)I always knew they didn't like me but that's when the constant harassment started (nonstop texts and emails to my husband telling them how much they and everyone who knows me hates me).  I decided after some great advice here to go VLC with mil and fil and NC with bil.

Fast forward to my first pregnancy we decided to still invite my ubpd mil and fil over to tell them the happy news (I bought them a little baby gift basket), mil stormed out of the house, called my husband that evening and screamed at him because they were hoping we would get divorced not have a family.  That baby girl was delivered still born later that year.  I shudder to think how happy my in-laws probably were when their son and I sunk into a deep year long depression and they honestly probably hoped this would end our marriage.

I was pregnant a year later with another little girl who is now 2 and the light of our lives.  My in-laws weren't vocal about being upset this time and even offered a mild "congrats".  However when she was born they insisted on meeting her immediately (didn't bring us anything like a hot meal or coffee- but made sure I served them coffee and water) and took "family photos" (I was the only one not in the pictures), then made a birth announcement to all of their friends and family with pictures of themselves and my husband with the baby.  I was not mentioned or acknowledged even once in the announcement and they actually wrote "Hs name' baby is here!"
I was hormonal and mad.  I told my H he needs to address this (because apparently after 10 years I never learn) to which his parents replied like I was a complete nut job and need medication and some serious help if I am upset over an email.  Anyways my in-laws have tried several times over the 2 years to only invite my husband and daughter over and actually saying "tell your wife to stay home and rest".  They want to reunite the family with my ubpd bil and his wife but leave me out of it.   But other then that they completely ignore their only grandchild who only lives 15 minutes away.  It's like if they don't get their way, they don't want any part of it. 

Next is gift giving.  My birthday is almost always ignored by them and even though my spouse and I have been together 10 years they don't know how old I am or what day my birthday is.  Christmas they will sometimes give a gift depending on our "behaviour" that year (if we went along with their antics).  I don't acknowledge their birthdays or Christmas anymore because I don't wish to grow any relationship with them after everything we have been through but my H always insists they celebrate holidays with us in some form. 

Anyways I'm so sorry for the long winded post and thank you so much if you read through.  I'm now 2nd trimester pregnant again and showing, my H is insisting his parents come over for Christmas (which they won't because ubpd bil isn't invited but they'll probably stop by Boxing Day) and I'm going to have to deal with the issue of gifts/their rudeness/and them being mad about another baby coming into the picture.  I'm just so tired about fighting with my H about his family (he's half in the fog). 

Ugh and thank you for letting me vent!

[inHistime]

So sorry for what you've been through!

[bloomie]

bumblebee44 - my heart just sinks when I hear of you having been treated so terribly in the midst of the lowest lows and the highest highs that our life can bring.

You are asking for advice....my very best advice is to invest your holiday gatherings, time and energy and love in people who support you and are able to form lasting and loving, respectful relationships with ALL of you.

This is not familial love. This is not what love looks like and you know it to your bones. I am amazed at the moral failure of people such as you describe here in their behaviors toward you and your FOC. 

I am decades down the road and could fill the page with really hurtful and invalidating, divisive behaviors by my own uPD in laws and the pain of the FOG and misplaced loyalties that were a part of my own DH's world view for far too long, but instead I will say that the very best thing I have ever done for myself is to stop welcoming people who have positioned themselves as adversaries into the safe place that is my home.

There are restaurants and a myriad of holiday events taking place that can serve as a neutral space to meet up - I have even driven separately many times, to "see" the in laws over the holidays so I can exit the scene as soon as possible. If my DH wants to stay and enjoy  their company he is most welcome to do that alone.

It does not have to be your home. You do not have to serve them and host them. You could go to a tree lighting, or to a town square that has a Santa or live nativity and have a simple coffee with them afterwards (or not) and get the heck out of there.

After a particularly painful holiday event in my home I calmly looked my DH in the eye and said NO MORE. He was shocked and really uncomfortable and you know what... I had been shocked and really uncomfortable and cornered for years. It was his turn to feel all of the uncomfortable, crappy feelings that I had been wrestling with and figure out an option we could both agree on.

There are many options, and for me, my beautiful, loving, sacred space is not one of them. You have a busy home with a small child and for your health's sake do not need any further stress and harm done to you.

Your home is your domaine. If the atmosphere others consistently bring into your home is unhealthy and damaging you pull up the drawbridge and fill the moat with gators.

My thoughts... most importantly this should be a mutual discussion and agreement between you and your DH about what works for the holidays.

Strength and wisdom in the coming days and sweet blessings and congrats on this newest little precious life that is adding to your family.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

 

[candy]

  This goes to top of the list of the most horrid and cruel IL behavior I've been reading about on these boards.
bumblebee44, I am so sorry for everything that you have been through.

Every story is different but I can relate to quite a few details you mentioned about your IL's - the family photos that exclude the mother of the child, the happy announcement that turns into loss and grief and furthermore happens to become all about the grandparents in the making, not about the ones who endure the trauma, the exacerbation of drama around the holidays, the little punishments with or withholding gifts, the husband who is expected to turn into dutiful son mode to serve his parents around Christmas.

Babies and Christmas seem to bring out the ugliest faces in our PD IL's. It is astonishing. Please remember that neither babies nor Christmas are in fact about them. It's an made-up occasion to feed their family dysfunction.

I feel for you and I would like to say, listen to your gut! If you don't feel comfortable having them around in your house, then don't.

It may be difficult to understand for those half-fogged husbands, but I'll say it anyway: husband, any trimester is the wrong time to care about how your parents feel, it's care about the wife time.
Your job is to protect your pregnant wife and your toddler, your FOC, and anyone who is unable to be (or play) nice with the pregnant lady is just not good company right now.

Christmas can get stressful. It is stressful to deal with toxic IL's. And stress is just not good for bumblebee44 right now. Maybe you can ask your husband to help reducing the overall stress level?
IME family or IL conflicts add up to the stress, even talking about those conflicts does.

It is also unhealthy for a toddler to watch mommy or daddy been treated poorly. This is probably not the lesson you want your little one to learn: that it is okay to treat mom and dad like that (being rude, yelling, screaming, making comments), that the one who behaves badly gets the most attention.

I know this is not answering what you have asked for in the first place. I am writing it because this is what got my own DH to have a different look at his parents behavior, how it could affect our child. If it doesn't apply to your unique situation, please just leave it at that 
In my story my DH wasn't able to say out loud that the perfect happy family picture my MIL and FIL (and BIL) had set up was one big illusion. But he has been able to do anything to be a ,,better parent". And he has been able to protect our baby respectively our toddler from MIL/FIL.

Frankly I think your IL's have lost the privilege to know about or to share your wonderful news as they have lost privilege to be welcomed by you. You won't be depriving them of anything, they should be thankful for every second you are willing to expose yourself and your child to them.

Given their past behavior I would absolutely understand if you were not comfortable sharing any intimate detail with them or spending time with them.

In fact, this is exactly what I have told my DH concerning the handling of our wonderful news some days ago. He gnashed his teeth but swallowed it, because deep down he knows I have every reason to mistrust my IL's. Even with FOG there's hope for the husbands to do the right things.

I wish you strength and all the best for the holidays and the days ahead, and of course all my best wishes for the remainder of your pregnancy