Am I doing the right thing?

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No.

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Am I doing the right thing?
« on: December 14, 2019, 01:51:50 AM »
Is it a necessity that you respond, explain, or give some sort of reason or "farewell" text or email, if you finally realize you've been overlooking red flags, and someone majorly breaks your boundaries? Over the course of many years and several lengthy "breakups" because of the same thing?

Honestly, ever since the major boundary-breaking, and the repeated attempts at contact without allowing me my own timeline to respond, and feeling stalked and pressured, I seriously am just done. I don't feel like responding, or explaining anything..I feel like it would be inviting drama or gaslighting.

I've chosen to handle the situation with silence, especially in lieu of the annoying stalkerish attempts at contact. I blocked this person, which made me feel a sense of relief, and they I guess immediately noticed and came over to leave something I left at their place on the hood of my car. I FEEL stalked, but a small part of me feels I'm being a little rude. Like, maybe I should say something, but then, I don't know what....it comes back to I'll just get silenced or told I need to think of it different, or maybe even they will try harder or whatever..uh huh




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clara

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2019, 10:57:27 AM »
Remember, this isn't a normal "break up."  This is a beak up with a PD, and it sounds like you've given them chances in the past that they abused, so why would they respond to this one any different?  The reason they're having difficulty with it is because it's your choice, and they don't like giving you choices.  You violated their understanding of what the relationship should be, how it is to be conducted, that is, on their terms and their terms only.  They don't care about how you feel about the situation, nor will they ever understand (even when they act like they do).  PDs will go out of their way to make you feel like you don't have a right to your own feelings.  The PD may not think they're violating your boundaries, but YOU feel like they are, and at that point the only real responsibility you have is to yourself. 

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No.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2019, 01:24:36 PM »
Thanks, Clara. That sounds very on point to me. I was feeling calm about it, but I got to thinking, I'm sure she will tell our mutual friends how she was "ghosted" or how I'm giving the "silent treatment". I have a hard time distinguishing those from no contact, but I think you described it well. Even though it's for me though, I feel like I want to walk away knowing I did it in the right way.

I think maybe this is even PART of the dynamic with this person, or this covert way of controlling. All along she kind of peppers me with her beliefs and ways of communicating, like, saying how these other people have treated her badly- when in reality , it sounds like to me they just have strong boundaries. There's been times where she's complaining to me and I'm totally seeing it on the side of the "mean" person.

That's where I've been well-trained for the course one a lifetime..SHE is doing all the stuff, and I feel somehow guilty. (But, LESS this time :D)

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No.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2019, 01:49:57 PM »
I found this too https://youtu.be/zGFqJg0ceLE

Every time I encounter a new aspect of this dynamic (this time with a "friend"), I learn so much. I didn't know this was such a "thing" but there are quite a few videos on it..

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clara

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2019, 12:51:10 PM »
Thanks for posting the video, No!  I really like how she emphasized the trick NPDs use when they want to get some distance from you (for whatever reason, but ultimately as a way of controlling you and the relationship) so they'll start a one-sided argument with you, where you're the bad person because you're not considerate of them because of their past trauma or whatever, and how dare you treat them like that when you know what they've been through in the past.  That was so on point for me in recalling my interactions with a uNPD friend.  So many times he'd start an argument with me and halfway in he'd bring up the fact that both his parents were dead, how he was now an orphan (as a man in his 40s) and it was only to shut me up and cede control back to him while he was pushing me (temporarily) out of his life because he had bigger and better fish to fry.  Then when he'd get tired of the bigger and better fish, he'd come around and act like nothing was wrong.   Ugh. 

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No.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2019, 06:04:55 PM »
That sounds more like my mom!  :o

Some of the stuff is more applicable to romantic relationships so I just listen for what applies to this friendship situation..but inevitably, ALL videos apply to one relationship or another, since I guess I have attracted so many. (Hopefully in the past now).

I think with this last "friend"," I am so ready to recognize the red flags for what they are and not let anything slip by ever again.