New to board-At my wit's end with NPD brother

74VeeDub · December 14, 2019, 12:44:36 AM

Hello everyone. I found this site the other night when Googling how to deal with a person who has NPD because my other methods have stopped working and it's gotten to the point where my own mental, emotional and physical health is suffering now.

A little about me and my situation. I am a 57 year old lady, who is single and has no children, both by choice. I have been brought up by two narcissists. I didn't know what that was when I was young but felt that my relationship with my parents was a bit 'off' if you will. My father was also an alcoholic too which didn't help at all. I have one younger sibling, a brother who is 53. There is a lot to unpack so I'm going to try to be as brief as possible, I was always the scapegoat and this led me to a life of trying to undo the wrongs that my parents did to me my whole life. I've gone through periods of no, low and limited contact with my NPD mother, who is still alive. (My father died 8 years ago. I barely shed a tear as he was nasty to me most of my life.) My younger brother was the Golden Child, who could do no wrong and whose ass was kissed most of his life, which unfortunately has led to his downfall and is playing out in a sad way.

My brother and I were closer as children but as we grew up and left the house, I just hit the ground running as far away from everyone as I could. I attended college out of state but ended up eventually moving close by my family anyway, that's how enmeshed I was. My brother and I have been estranged for most of our adult lives. He has been married twice, no children and is in the throes of his second divorce. He also has always been somewhat of a narcissist, even before I understood what that term meant.

About a year ago, when his wife moved out, he decided that he needed me in his life again. I live in a property that he owns and have been here now since the end of 2016. At that time of my moving here, we had an arm's length relationship which suited me just fine. I wrote the rent check, dropped it into his mailbox and that was fine with me. But when things went south with his wife, he decided that he all of a sudden wanted a relationship with me. I was flattered and tried to rise to the occasion, being available, non-judgmental and allowing him to vent as much as he wanted to.

I have also done a LOT of therapy over the years to heal from the crap my parents handed me. I have also been in support groups as well and have been involved in church, which has really made a huge difference in the way I conduct my life. Let's say, it made me a better person, who is still working on herself. I've come a long way and I figured that since I'd gotten better that I could better help someone who was suffering. Pass it on, pay it forward, that sort of thing. But i'm slowly and sadly realizing that some people are beyond fixing and furthermore, it's not MY job to do it for them.

My brother hates his soon-to-be-ex which is normal. But the things he accuses her of are beyond the pale. The smear campaign is disgusting. He does not want to move on with his life in any way, shape or form. He doesn't want to get a job; he has not worked in a year and luckily had enough investments to live on during this time. But his health insurance is under my SIL's plan and he's going to lose that when their divorce is final. He needs to get a job so that he can have his own plan. Anyway, moving on...

At first, I enjoyed getting to know him in a way that had eluded us when we were younger. I imagined that his Narc tendencies had changed and he'd grown up. Oh, how wrong I was. How very wrong I was!!!

He has now pushed most of his friends out of his life, accusing them of stealing from him; hacking into his internet and phone; calling them narcissists and worse. He unfriended and blocked many people on social media who he has been friends with for years. He is abusive to my mother, who is a handful most of the time. She and I still go a few rounds but even she does not deserve this. He will send these rambling off-the-wall paranoid emails about his wife trying to poison his food and giving him PTSD and more fantastical delusional tales...these emails come to both my mother and myself almost daily. I do not respond to these at all, breaking the supply off. Unfortunately, my mother does and then he and she will battle it out via email, texts or on the phone.

As for me, he continually texts me, calls me, emails me with these dumb rambling missives that make no sense. He imagines that my world revolves around him and that is my fault and I'm trying rectify that. He wants me to come over for dinner most nights of the week and also attempts to hijack my weekends with his nonstop neediness. When he is nice, he is a pleasure to be around but lately, he gets in a 'mood' where he is picking fights with me, with retail clerks, with service people, you name it. He will begin these diatribes to me about how I should change my life, what I should do for a living when I'm fine with my job and not looking to leave. He does not give me 1/4 of the support when I have something going on that I give him.

Everything is all about him. He is very negative and lately the negative energy, the pity party, the unwillingness to move on, learn and grow and take responsibility for the mess his life is and has become is taking a toll on me where I find it hard to even be polite anymore. He has overly involved me way too deeply into this divorce, sharing some very inappropriate things with me, things that are none of my business. Things I have never would have wanted to know about my SIL.

Most of what comes out of his mouth are lies, delusional thinking and BS. I cannot take him seriously anymore.

This past week, he got into another battle with my mother, either via email or on the phone, not sure which. He first texted me then later emailed me. Before, when I was in the FOG, I would rush to the phone, dropping everything to call and listen to him, allowing him to triangulate me. This time, I did not text him back. He had sent me an email about being brought up by narcs, with a link to some article, things I am already well-versed in and then attempted to create dialogue with me. I chose not to react or respond. I had Googled what to do in that situation and learned about Medium Chill, which I found on this forum actually. I believe as well as other sources.

I feel as if he has a chokehold on me, it feels like he's strangling me in the literal sense. I cannot seem to get a moment's peace. I am planning to raise enough cash to move out of this place and into an apartment somewhere. And then when I am no longer his tenant, I'm going either LC or VLC, not sure which yet. But I need to start taking care of me and I haven't been.

Unfortunately, I cannot stop spending time with him altogether because here's the thing, he has held the fact that he's my landlord over my head and the few times I've told him off, he tells me to turn in my keys and get out. I don't have the money yet to move and no place to go at this time. I'm the only tenant he has now and the ONLY source of income. But the more this goes on, the worse he gets, the more delusional, the more I cannot handle it anymore. It has crossed the line into affecting my health now.

So, i am here to get some knowledge and help from you wise folks in how to handle this and break free for good. There's gonna be times when I'm in here, crying. So get ready.

Also, I have not told anyone about what I've been going through, not my friends, not my church group, no one. I have felt VERY alone this past year. And now, it's time to change things.

I thank this forum for existing and you all for being here. I'm sure that some of this sounds fractured but it feels so good to unburden myself finally to people that get it.

sarandro · December 14, 2019, 04:22:09 AM

Hi 74VeeDub...
Welcome to the forum.
I, too, joined to find some clarity and to seek some help and advice from people who were/are going through similar stuff.

Your story is very upsetting, I can see that and it must be very hard to try to do the right thing for yourself/brother/mother
I'm sure, with the help from all these wonderful folks, you will find your way through.

Just a thought....if you are a tenant...even if it is your brother...you will have certain rights if you are paying regular rent to him.
(The right to live there without being disturbed by the landlord or harassed or indeed being threatened with eviction without good reason)
This is true in the UK....USA with have something similar?

Just remember...in your darkest times...we are all here for you and if it all gets too much...vent/cry/rage etc...this is the place to be yourself, without judgement.

Sending you a virtual hug XX

74VeeDub · December 14, 2019, 08:27:41 AM

Hi Sarandro,

Thank you so much for the kind and welcoming response. I did not know about tenant's rights and will look into it. I'm in the US actually.

I hope to gain some clarity and knowledge from reading others' stories.

74VeeDub · December 14, 2019, 10:22:07 AM

Sarandro,

Thank you SO MUCH for the info regarding Tenants' Rights. I looked into it and where I live (FL), they are very strict about that sort of thing. It's good to know that I will have the ability to have legal backing if things go sideways.

Again, thank you. I feel better already, more hopeful at least.

sarandro · December 15, 2019, 03:58:16 AM

Hi...It's what we are here for...to help each other.XXX

treesgrowslowly · December 16, 2019, 12:57:59 PM

Hi there and welcome,

There are different pieces for you. One piece is finding a way to move out. I'm glad you are working on that piece.

While you still live there, another piece of this for you is to respond to him using tools that all of us have to use with PDs and narcisssitic people. I think the toolbox and the JADE tool may be something to use with him as much as you can.

One of the hardest pieces of the puzzle when we are putting together our own life, is to grieve the loss of the relationship we wanted to have with that person. This is a tough piece for us because people won't understand it the way a loss through death is understood. Most of my support for grieving the loss of self, time and respect that comes from being in a relationship with an abusive PD person, that support comes from counsellors and people who have been there themselves.

One way that people in your community might be of help, even though they likely won't understand your specific situation, is if they provide you with opportunities to be who you really are. To enjoy your interests. Your sense of humour. Places where you can be yourself for a few hours can be really helpful to keep yourself sane during a trying time such as what you describe!

Because when we are in close contact with a PD, it is very hard to remember how happy, loving and generous we actually can be. The contact with the PD puts us into self defense mode and if you see him daily you are in that mode a lot.

The challenge that comes with learning to JADE more with the PD we are in contact with is that it feels like we are now just as messed up as they are.

We can forget that we are actually so much more than how we feel around the PD family member. We forget that we hid our true self from the PD who has shown their true colours (sounds like he love bombs people at times, a common trait of theirs).

JADEing isnt who you are, its what you will do, to manage an unbalanced, unwell personality who is attacking you. It is a self defense. And yes it is awful that we have to learn to do self defense against relatives. But it seems many PDs are untreated and at this time, resistant to available treatment. Our self defense is what keeps us safer from their harmful ways.

Your friends may not be able to understand. I am a big advocate for counselling as those people are an unbiased ear to listen to us when we are going through something in life and need supportive listeners. And we are here too.

Hope that helps you out,

Trees

bgirl12 · December 20, 2019, 08:26:44 PM

I think moving is a good idea. And changing your number too? Get a new email address. He sounds unstable in all his ways. My goodness, how can anyone help him with all that? He has to drag you down with him? You have worked hard for yourself. I tell you what- if someone told me to hand in my keys I'd pack a bag and come back for my stuff later. I'd seriously stop paying rent and leave them with the mortgage. I would love to see his jaw drop when you do leave. And don't give him too much notice. Maybe pack first and have someone with you when you tell him.

74VeeDub · December 24, 2019, 09:51:04 PM

Thanks everyone!

My bro and I 'made up' for now but my main goal is to save enough to bounce out of here in the new year.

Thank you all so much for sharing your insight. I may have to seek counseling as well, to come to terms with dealing with this family of narcs for once and for all.

Libria · January 01, 2020, 05:48:57 AM

Good luck!
One way to break the silence in your peer relationships is to attend SOME type of in person support group such as Al-Anon, which is a different program, but folks there are also dedicated to self-protection from unfixably disordered relationships. As the daughter of an alcoholic, you're qualified to go.

Being "medium chill" is GREAT for your situation. Don't forget to remain a bored and emotionless observer even when (especially when!!) he's being nice to you. Otherwise it's just repeating the cycle of sucking you in before he lashes out again. Warm wishes.

74VeeDub · January 01, 2020, 06:29:33 PM

Thank you, Libra. I probably will attend Al-Anon.

74VeeDub · January 05, 2020, 01:40:28 PM

Hello everyone, I hope your New Year is going well for you.

I just wanted to check back in and let you all know that I am saving money to get out of my apartment. I'm not sure on a timetable quite yet, that remains to be seen. I also called my company's EAP and will have an appointment with a counselor in a couple of weeks. It's long overdue if you want to know the truth. I mostly reached out to EAP (Employee Assistance Program) because I'm tired of carrying this burden alone and really need counseling and someone to speak with on a more consistent basis.

I have been discarded now because NPD brother has found a 'girlfriend' and has summarily disappeared right up her anal orifice. He has stopped emailing me daily, stopped calling me every minute and stopped texting me multiple times a day. In a way, it's kind of a blessing but then I feel used. I have given up the better part of 2019 listening to him, holding his hand and being there for him. I feel like someone died to be honest, it's that same sort of letdown. But behind all of this, it's for my better good.

Now, that I've had a bit of distance from him, I can now come to understand that our estrangement as adults was NEVER my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. He has always been selfish but until we started spending more time together and his lack of empathy came to the fore several times, I just couldn't see it clearly then but definitely see it now. I actually feel sorry for this woman in a way because she cannot see what is eventually coming down the line for her. She has to see it for herself.

So, that's the latest. I decided that 2020 is the year for ME, long overdue if you ask me.

treesgrowslowly · January 06, 2020, 10:34:53 AM

These discards are blessings in that they give you time and space from the PD person. Daily contact makes it much harder to get Out of the FOG and stay out of their foggy ways.

And the discard parts of their game are also painful , as any rejection is. Glad to hear you are going to get support from EAP.

Trees

74VeeDub · January 06, 2020, 07:42:23 PM

Thanks, Trees.

The discard is allowing me to get my life back. The counselor actually had an opening earlier this evening and I was able to see her then. My EAP allows for three visits. But I already feel better and know I'm on the right path. Of course, this forum helps a great deal as well.

treesgrowslowly · January 07, 2020, 09:24:24 PM

Definitely this forum can be very helpful with the stuff youre dealing with and your goals for yourself. Sadly, many of us, having been there with a family member with NPD, know a lot about what you've been through.

Lots of good resources listed in the book and media forums when you are seeking more insights too.

It gets easier with time away from their drama.

Trees

FogDawg · January 08, 2020, 01:23:20 PM

Quote from: 74VeeDub on December 14, 2019, 12:44:36 AMI imagined that his Narc tendencies had changed and he'd grown up. Oh, how wrong I was. How very wrong I was!!!

Based on my experience dealing with a narcissistic parent, currently in their seventies, it does not change regardless of age, sadly. They cannot even begin to relate to others and what they have done to them through their actions, no matter how many times they are told and how it is laid out before them, whether spoken or written.

Quote from: 74VeeDub on January 05, 2020, 01:40:28 PMNow, that I've had a bit of distance from him, I can now come to understand that our estrangement as adults was NEVER my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. He has always been selfish but until we started spending more time together and his lack of empathy came to the fore several times, I just couldn't see it clearly then but definitely see it now. I actually feel sorry for this woman in a way because she cannot see what is eventually coming down the line for her. She has to see it for herself.

I am glad that you came to this realization. Society always pushing that family is everything surely plays a large part in why many cannot see the dysfunction, whether choosing to willfully remain blind and rugsweep or simply being unable to until getting some distance (and, often, therapy) and later understanding that it was/is not normal. You sound like you are handling it well, 74VeeDub. All the best.