What does God do with emotionally abusive people in the afterlife?

[gettingstronger1]

My emotionally abusive mother died five years ago.  Before she died she never apologized or expressed any remorse regarding her abusive behavior towards me.  In other words, things were never made right here on earth.  My husband and I are now going through the same thing with his abusive mother.  His mom refuses to apologize and she is currently engaging in a smear campaign against us that is effectively throwing us out of the family by turning his siblings against us.  His sister called me two days after my back surgery and screamed at me on the phone.

I am just astounded at people's lack of conscience or remorse for doing things that are obviously abusive.  Both of these situations will never be fixed here on earth.  They will get away with their abusive behavior.  I realize there is nothing I can do to stop a smear campaign.  People will believe the abusers lies.  So I wonder is there any kind of justice or is this ever made right by God in the after life?  I don't want anyone to go to hell.  But does God fix this somehow in the afterlife?  Does God make the abuser face their abusive ways?  Is there some type of purgatory where the abuser has to atone for their sins and all the people they hurt? I feel really confused about where my mother is.  She is not bad enough for hell, but I can't imagine her in heaven with God when she has such a cruel streak in her. Mom seemed to take pleasure in hurting me.  I have a hard time believing someone like that it in heaven.  I guess it bothers me a great deal, that I have no idea where my mom is now that she has passed on. Does God provide any justice for me in the afterlife?  Any of your thoughts and wisdom would be appreciated.  Thanks

[hhaw]

Energy can't be destroyed or created.  When we die our energy goes somewhere.  I believe we reap what we sew, and our energy is what it is when we die.  If we're tormenting others, creating pain and chaos.... death will hold those things for us.  If we're cultivating serenity, do good deeds, and wish better things for humanity.... we reap those things, IMO.   

You don't have to worry about karma not catching up to people, bc karma catches up with us all, IME. 

My martial arts instructor would tell you not to suffer twice if you have to suffer at all.  He'd talk about radical acceptance, and not worrying over things you can't change.  He'd want to sit you down and teach you to breathe and meditate.   He tried to help me with that 15 years ago, but he failed.  I wish I was calm enough to listen,  but I wasn't. 

I hope you can find a way to calm yourself, embrace radical self-compassion, drop all judgment and get super curious about your inner world.... and tend to it.  Like a mother tending her child.  You're whole, and deserving, and fine just as you are.  The MIL injustice is what it is, and you have no control over it so do everything you can, then put it down and take care of your present moments.  Don't let your MIL's bad behavior rob you of your joy.

There's pleasure and peace in midnfully paying attention to our day, and moments. Noticing what we're thinking and doing, without judgment, and staying very curious about it.   

What energy do you want to take into the afterlife with you?

Food for thought,  IMO.

[puellareginae]

As a Catholic, I believe in Purgatory. According to Church teaching, everyone who doesn't die in mortal sin (i.e. unrepentant flouting of God's law), but doesn't die in a state of grace (say, right after Baptism or Confession), has to go through purgation before they are worthy to enter Heaven. You have to be perfectly in a state of grace to stand before the living God, who is eternally perfect.

That said, it sounds as though these people are unrepentant in their sin, and wish to harm you. That's active malice, not just venial sin like "I forgot to say my prayers because I was busy with chores." I would hope that, when they came face to face with their sin after death, they would repent. But, in cases like this, I keep thinking of the rich man and Lazarus the beggar. The rich man saw Lazarus every day and actively ignored him in life. But then in death, thought he could make God order Lazarus who was in Heaven to relieve his torment in Hell. Some people just refuse to be good people - they reject the loving God and His commands for us to love and take care of each other. And, for those people...well, they will get their reward.

I don't wish to say that to upset you. I pray that the people who have harmed my family and me will repent and be able to enter heaven. But we can't pretend what we do doesn't affect our immortal souls. I hope that those family members will find the purifiying grace of Purgatory and then be able to be in Heaven after they feel the pain they have caused to others. May God be with you and comfort you and give you His peace.

[eclecticmom]

I'm Eastern Orthodox, and we're comfortable saying, "I don't know" and "Lord, have mercy."  But we also fully believe that a) the departed have even now a foretaste of what is in store for them, whether good or bad, and b) we will all have to account for all of our thoughts, words, and deeds one day.  Everything will be laid bare, and it won't be pretty for a lot of us.  Scripture says, "'Vengeance is mine, says the Lord, 'I will repay.'"  I let that be enough, personally, and focus on my own repentance and growth.  It can be really hard, though.  Sometimes we want justice and fairness right now.  Finally, we pray for God to forgive the sins of the departed.  That doesn't mean the effects of their sins will be hidden from them, but that perhaps they can still be reconciled to God through our prayers.  It is ultimately between God and the person, but we pray anyway.

[Andeza]

Hmm, how to phrase this nice and concise? Because I could jabber on entirely too long pretty easy.

There's a parable in the Bible of a master that gave his servants money. Let's say a dollar to the first, five to the second, ten to the third. I forget the exact term of the time, apologies.

The first guy was scared to lose his master's money so he buried it, but the other two invested and doubled their gain.

All three had to give an accounting of what they did with the master's money in the end.

I think the same is true of death. In the end, saved, unsaved, we all will stand before our master and give an accounting of how we spent our time, borrowed directly from him, here on this earth. For many, it will not be a joyous moment, but rather a very rude awakening as all their wrongdoings are laid bare before them.

Just my take on it.

[PeanutButter]

My emotionally abusive mother died five years ago.  Before she died she never apologized or expressed any remorse regarding her abusive behavior towards me.  In other words, things were never made right here on earth.  My husband and I are now going through the same thing with his abusive mother.  His mom refuses to apologize and she is currently engaging in a smear campaign against us that is effectively throwing us out of the family by turning his siblings against us.  His sister called me two days after my back surgery and screamed at me on the phone.
I am just astounded at people's lack of conscience or remorse for doing things that are obviously abusive.  Both of these situations will never be fixed here on earth.  They will get away with their abusive behavior.  I realize there is nothing I can do to stop a smear campaign.  People will believe the abusers lies.  So I wonder is there any kind of justice or is this ever made right by God in the after life?  I don't want anyone to go to hell.  But does God fix this somehow in the afterlife?  Does God make the abuser face their abusive ways?  Is there some type of purgatory where the abuser has to atone for their sins and all the people they hurt? I feel really confused about where my mother is.  She is not bad enough for hell, but I can't imagine her in heaven with God when she has such a cruel streak in her. Mom seemed to take pleasure in hurting me.  I have a hard time believing someone like that it in heaven.  I guess it bothers me a great deal, that I have no idea where my mom is now that she has passed on. Does God provide any justice for me in the afterlife?  Any of your thoughts and wisdom would be appreciated.  Thanks

I recently realized (and I think its human nature) that I tend to 'feel' that someone who has wronged or hurt me or others ought to be punished somehow. IMO this may be a normal response to being harmed.
But once I posed the question "is it my place to say whether someone should be punished or what their punishment would be?" to myself, it helped me to detach some from the outcome. The detachment helps with my peace of mind.
I understand everything you wrote though. I have and continue to observe the same feelings coming sometimes.
I was raised in a very religous home. My ubpdM was extrememly judgemental of anyone who wasnt the same religion as she was. IME this must have at least in part seeded this punitive type of thinking for me. That is why it was important to try to make adjustments.

[NumbLotus]

Andeza, thank you for explaining that parable. I never understood it, and in fact I really disliked it.

For example, I dislike very much the idea that the servants were obliged to add to their master's wealth. The entitlement of that idea always bothered me: "here, do me a favor and keep my money for me while I travel, supposedly this is an honor for you but you are not only obligated to keep my money safe, but there is an unsaid expectation that you increase it for me, though I am already rich and exploit your labor."

And the man who only buried the money, I felt was the most honorable anyway. He was supposedly the man of the least talent. Instead of risking the money, he followed through on his promise and kept the money safe. He could have really blown it but he understood his obligation and acted responsibly.

The other two had large returns on investment, but luck is always a factor. Imagine if their investments had not turned out? They basically were gambling with another man's money. If he returned and they didn't have it, they would have been on the hook to owe him. What a mess, and not eaxctly an honor but a major obligation.

So I do really dislike the parable but at least you explained better what it meant, so I kind of get it.

[Free2Bme]

"So I wonder is there any kind of justice or is this ever made right by God in the after life"?

Hi Gettingstronger,

I can hear the sadness in your post 
I have been at the epicenter of a smear campaign over the last 5 years because I left my H.  I have lost family, friends, church, and my abuser (unpdxh) has tried to turn my children against me too.   It is a terrible, sickening feeling to be so maligned and lied about.
At times, I have fantasized about my updxh being exposed for what he is, getting what he deserves, and having vindication for myself and my children.  Other times, I have despaired.  Then I remind myself that Jesus understands human suffering (all forms).

"O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more". Psalm 10:17-18

"The LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him"!  (Isaiah 30:18)

"He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you have been called, that you may obtain a blessing" (1 Pet. 2:22-23; 3:9).

1) I choose not to get back at people that have hurt me.
2) I can hope and pray that they will see the destruction they have caused in this life and make amends. 
These are the only ways I can "bless" them at this point.

I don't need to retaliate because they will have to give an account.
"I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give an account for every careless word they speak".  Matthew 12:36

I am truly sorry for all that you and your husband are going through, it is so painful. 
Wishing you comfort and peace 



Adenza, great job paraphrasing this parable.   
I believe that the focus in this parable is not money.  One could substitute "time", "resources", "abilities"... whatever in place of 'money/riches'.  The concepts here are stewardship and trusting the 'master'.

"to whom much is given, much will be required"  Luke 12: 48
-I have known poor people and rich people that live in a way that blesses others tremendously.  I also know wealthy people and poor alike that live to benefit only themselves.  The issue is, what have I done with what has been given to me; my time, talents, and treasures.

[amieparson]

It's important to remember that we're all imperfect and capable of making mistakes, and it's not up to us to judge the ultimate fate of others. Ultimately, only God knows what truly lies in the hearts of individuals, and it's not our place to speculate or make assumptions.

[madhossion]

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through with emotionally abusive people.

[Jolie40]

being SG, I had a different childhood than other siblings
I did forgive although it took me years to do so

GC showed a video on Facebook of their family releasing balloons (up to heaven) on what would have been PD parent's birthday
since GC was favored, she believes PD parent was the best or maybe even a "perfect" parent so in their minds she went right to heaven

since I forgave, maybe she did?

I don't know if you can ever forgive but it is freeing

[SonofThunder]

Hi gettingstronger,

Reading your post, I was not able to distinguish your particular beliefs, as they may align with particular faiths. Some others who replied, named their religious beliefs, therefore their opinions may be from within the framework of those teachings.  Imo, since different religions teach different concepts, you may receive a wide variety of responses. 

As for me, I have accepted the work of Jesus Christ on my behalf, as he suffered and died for my sins, and the sins of all humans (past, present and future) on the cross.  I believe Jesus is God, come to Earth as a human, both to humble himself in alignment with humans, but also once and for all, defeated sin by his (and only his) conquering of sin on the cross.  The weight of all the sins of everyone (past, present and future) were cast upon Jesus and he took those sins to the depths of Hell, deposited them where they belong, and then he ascended to Heaven, where sin cannot reside. 

Since Jesus died on behalf of all human beings, our choice for where we will reside in the afterlife, is solely based on whether we accept Jesus free gift of salvation (deliverance to a sinless, perfect Heaven), that he earned for us on the cross.  If we accept his free gift, we will reside in Heaven with him and with others who also truly accepted.  If we reject Jesus free gift, we will reside not in Heaven, but in Hell with the sins he delivered there.  Since sin cannot reside in Heaven, then a sinner on Earth who has accepted Jesus' free gift, will be washed clean by the blood of Jesus work on the cross, and that sinner will be made anew upon arrival in Heaven. 

Therefore, if your/my abuser truly accepted the free gift of Jesus Christ while the abuser was alive on Earth, then that abuser will be changed to a new person in Heaven, since sin cannot reside in Heaven.  If you or I accept Jesus free gift here on Earth, you and/or I will also be a new person in Heaven.  Jesus teaches that all human beings have sinned, therefore none of us may get to Heaven but through him, by his dying, sacrificial work (a gift) on the cross.  Therefore everyone in Heaven is made anew. Sin does not exist in Heaven. Abuse is sin.

If we reside in Heaven with the person(s) who abused us here on Earth, both we and the Earthly abusers will both be new people in Heaven, and we will finally get to know those persons as a new sinless person in Heaven, and we will also get to meet Jesus. I cant wait! 😀.  That is the hope that Jesus provides to us humans on Earth.  I am praying that my abusers will accept the free gift of Jesus dying work on the cross, so that I may be able to know them without sin, in Heaven. One of those is my father.  I look forward to the possibility of getting to know my Earthly father, in Heaven.  That would be absolutely fantastic! 

So, I believe that where a person resides in the afterlife, is based solely on the decision they make here on Earth, regarding the acceptance or denial of Jesus free-gift; his suffering through tortuous abuse; his dying work on the cross.  That decision to accept or deny Christ, can be made at the very final second of a person's human life, and the thief on another cross next to Jesus, is the story from the Bible that teaches that principle. That thief was nailed by both ankle and feet to the cross and was facing immediate death, yet in that totally hopeless state, he recognized Jesus as very God and accepted Jesus work on his behalf. Upon doing so, Jesus promised him that in the very hour ahead, the thief would reside with Jesus in the paradise of Heaven. 

Surely, that thief had committed some harmful abusive sins prior, which put him on that cross, and those he abused were harmed.  But Jesus offered the abuser, at his very final minutes of life, an opportunity for redemption from his past sins.  To some here on Earth, who live on in the aftermath of the abuse from others, it seems unfair for the last-second redemptive capability that Jesus offers, but Jesus offers me that ability as well, and I am a sinner also.  Like a clean operating room, ANY amount of germs present in that room can cause infection, and Heaven is imo, truly the only 'clean-room' in existence.  So no matter the volume of sin (great or small) that a human may perform, not any of it is allowed in the clean-room of Heaven.  Therefore even if I'm the tiniest sinner on Earth, I am denied access to the clean-room of Heaven, unless I accept the complete cleansing of Jesus blood work, in advance of my death. 

I agree with some comments here that our Earthly deeds are recorded, and all will account for those Earthly deeds in front of God.  But, where we reside in an afterlife, lies squarely on what we decide (while alive on Earth) about Jesus Christ and his gift, and has nothing to do with our own Earthly efforts or lack thereof, but only that decision. 

Jesus knows whether the decision was true or not, and those that truly accept his work, get a 'heart-transplant' here on Earth, by the work of God and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  For those who truly accept Christ well ahead of their death, they (and others around them) get to experience the joy of some Earthly living with that new heart transplant.  But those who make that decision for Christ on the final minute of life, lose out on the joys of Earthly living.  Therefore, some people say it is unfair that abusers can decide for Christ on their deathbed.  I actually feel sorry for those who wait until their deathbed, because they lost-out on all their possible joyful, previous Earthly time, because of their lack of an earlier decision. 

In conclusion, I believe that every human's Earthly deeds will be judged by God upon our death, but where we reside in the afterlife, is squarely on our true decision for, or against Christ, while we are still alive on this Earth. 

Im sorry you experience abuse and my hope for you is that both you AND your abuser will choose to accept Jesus free gift, therefore getting to know your mother as a sinless, beautiful, kind person in the clean-room of Heaven.  That is my hope for myself as well.

SoT

[LemonLime]

Hi Gettingstronger, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  Sickening and nightmarish is what it seems to me.

I follow a Buddhist tradition.  Buddhism would say that unless we have become Enlightened Beings during our time on Earth, we continue in Samsara and are reborn into a different body after death.   The type of body you are born into depends on your deeds and state of mind at time of death.  If you have cherished others and created good Karma on Earth, you will be born into the body of a more advanced, happy being.   If you have not, you will be born into the body of a less aware creature such as a worm.   Then you have to continue that life trying to attain Enlightenment, but you are that much further behind doing so.

Hope I got that right. 

[Srcyu]

I've asked myself that question too.

She was so involved with the church. It took priority over everything. Yet she was a lousy mother.
We will never know, at least - not for now.



milly

[AppleTree]

Whatever you believe, whatever you might wish would happen - your mother's fate is beyond your control.

All you can do is learn to accept that and spend your energy more usefully elsewhere.

[SonofThunder]

Whatever you believe, whatever you might wish would happen - your mother's fate is beyond your control.

All you can do is learn to accept that and spend your energy more usefully elsewhere.

AppleTree,

Your reply to the OP has resurfaced this very interesting and important subject. Circling back to my previous post on this thread, I want to express an opinion based on your comment. 

I agree that the fate of another person after death is not in our hands, but faith in Jesus Christ for salvation, breeds hope not only for ourselves, but also in us toward the PD that may have been abusive their entire lives right up to the time seconds before death.

I have a PDf and PDstbx.  Both of them state their faith in Jesus Christ, but their actions are manipulative and abusive. Luckily though, Christianity is about Jesus' gift of salvation through HIS work on the cross in grace toward sinners who do not deserve to reside in Heaven.  Therefore human's actions on Earth don't dictate where they will spend their eternity, but rather their true decision to accept Christ's free gift. 

Yes, I have zero control over the actions and/or reactions of a PD on Earth, nor do I have any control regarding their truthful decision to accept the gift that Christ offers.  As the thief on the cross next to Jesus demonstrates, that truthful acceptance of Christ as Savior may occur in the seconds/minutes before death. 

Since sin is not allowed to reside in Heaven, I can have true HOPE that my abusers accept Christ's free gift before they die, so that I may actually get to know them in Heaven in their sinless state!  That indeed would be a dream for me to have an eternity to really get to know my wife and father again, as we all get to hang out in paradise. 😊

So there IS something I can do, and that is make certain I have the hopeful opportunity to meet them in heaven by truly accepting the gift of Christ and declare Jesus as my Savior. I have truly accepted Christ so now I am hopeful for a future reunion.  What a shame it would be for me not to have accepted Christ, yet my abusers accept Christ and then Im the one absent from the party, never getting to know them so beautifully in eternity. 😩

SoT

[AppleTree]

Dear SonofThunder,

We are going to have to agree to disagree for a very simple reason. I respect your (and your PD abusers) right to believe in the Christian god and base your thoughts and actions in that belief. But I do not believe in a god, or gods, or life after death, so we will never reach the same conclusion about this.

[SonofThunder]

Dear SonofThunder,

We are going to have to agree to disagree for a very simple reason. I respect your (and your PD abusers) right to believe in the Christian god and base your thoughts and actions in that belief. But I do not believe in a god, or gods, or life after death, so we will never reach the same conclusion about this.

Hi AppleTree,

I 100% agree with you. I also very much enjoy that each of us has the freedom to choose what we believe, without judgement from our peers, and that we can also have fantastic civilized discussion around religion and/or lack thereof. 

SoT

[AppleTree]

Indeed, one can agree about many things even whilst disagreeing about others!

[Boat Babe]

We have evolved as social animals with a really strong, innate drive towards fairness in human interactions. Even tiny kids get upset when something isn't fair. Fairness in human interactions allow for survival of the group and the individual. I think that we have based our idea of Justice, judicial, social and religious ,on this biological tendency. Within Christian theology this plays out with the whole Judgement Day scenario where people get what's coming to them. It's interesting seeing the three main "flavours" of Christian (Catholic, Protestant and Eastern Orthodox) all having slightly different takes on Gettingstronger1's question.

I don't know how to answer their question as I don't believe that our consciousness survives the death of the body that powers the Mind, which is where this discussion is taking place (my mind and the mind of anybody reading this). My only possible response is to offer compassion and understanding in the here and now to someone suffering abuse. It totally sucks and I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. If it's any consolation I can't imagine that being a disordered person has any real joy, inner peace or real love within, so they live in "hell" in this life.