Advice Needed Please RE: Christmas & Narc Family

[JingleBells]

Hi all,

Quick background, I have a different father to my siblings, and my stepdad has brought me up with my mother since I was a toddler.

As a kid I always felt different, mainly because my mother told me my biofather "abandoned" me (and worse-HER!!) and was evil and a love rate and his whole family were also vile etc. When I was naughty as a child or teen I was told I was just like Biofather. I was brought up the most strictly and my siblings couldn't put a foot wrong  I've often realised in adulthood the rest of my family have been out for meals etc and I haven't been invited.

I married a Narc as I knew Mother would approve of him and I wanted to please her (pathetic I know) and after my mother telling me I had to go back to him the first time I tried to leave as he was mentally and physically abusive to me, I successfully managed 10 years later and with the support of my DSD. My mother's response was "My life gets better and better" when I told her I couldn't continue my marriage. Anyway, despite that I've always clung to the illusion we have THE BEST family and I invited myself an my 2 kids to my parents the first Christmas after separation (I did ask, mother wasn't enthusiastic in hindsight it has to be said. I also went the next 2 times otherwise it would have been a bit bleak, just myself and my 2 littlies)

This year, mother didn't mention Christmas in any respect. I had been on holiday with GCsis and I got the feeling she was jealous as she sent us an article about murders in a nearby resort andDSD had to be rushed to hospital the day before departure with diarhhoea and they summoned GCsis to go too, despite her going on holiday the next day and the parents kept her there until 5 hours till our flight was due to depart. it all seemed a bit odd like they wanted her to cancel it and stay with them. By mid November, a few weeks after we returned, I invited mother and DSD to Cinema to see Xmas movie. This was turned down. I asked them what their plans were for Christmas by text, no reply. I told DP that I would keep trying as I was probably mistaken and it was a mix-up. To maintain a bit of dignity we decided to have a small Christmas just me, Dp and kids, but I invited them Christmas night for buffet, no thanks was the reply, we will have your GCbro and GCsis and family and friends over so we will all be a bit merry. Okaaay.

I invited them New Year. No thanks they said. In a bit of desperation, I arranged a curry night to see all my family over where they live (40 miles from me) . However, the night before, Mother decided she didn't want to babysit my 2 kids on the 1 night she had agreed to in 4 months, and I lost my temper. She frequently cancels/alters/forgets/goes sick on the rare nights she has agreed to help me out, including sabotaging a wedding (although she passed the blame back to me because she had eaten at a chip shop I had recommended and this had made her feel sick).

My kids like to see mother and DSD so I have continued to request babysitting sporadically. Anyway, as I say I lost my temper and a whole load of stuff came out from me. The childhood rejection/feeling like a black sheep/Christmas why am I excluded? This was met with fury. My mother instructed DSD to come round my house that night. My little girl and I were having supper, and the doorbell rang. I ignored it as I thought it was canvassers, then the door unlocked and DSD marched in. I shit myself in fright. After a lecture and me telling him how I feel, he went away.

My GCbro meanwhile sent me a barrage of abuse and threats so I blocked him.

The following day I sent a peacemaking message to our Family Group Chat, not an apology to be honest, but a lets all be friends message. This was lapped up by mother and DSD and weirdly my twat GCbro. A few days after, however, mother had decided this was not enough and instructed DSD to call me, tell me "Mother isn't well" and force me to make a full apology. I refused.

Meanwhile a full smear campaign is underway, by Mother and DSD telling my family how awful I am, including worrying my beloved and seriously ill Nan whom I adore and encouraging her to text me and ask me to apologise to them. My family have ostracised me to punish me for not apologising when instructed and I feel pretty shitty and raw now. Its been 10 days since the row.

I am not sure whether to reach out AGAIN #2 to make the peace as it IS CHRISTMAS. This is my usual role. As DSD said, "You know how this family works" yes. I do. very much so. But there is something inside me, the same voice that made me leave my ExDH telling me to not bother.

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated. I sorry this post is the same as my welcome mat one, but I need to provided the background story to give meaning to the current story.

Ironically GCbro has had rows with mother but she didn't feel the need to involve the whole family and tell us what a c==t he is (no need to tell me anyway) or ostracise him. I think this is the Special Relationship we have.

Cheers all,

JingleBells xx

[capybara]

I think it's good to protect yourself, whether it's Christmas or not. There is nothing wrong with taking time away from all this toxicity and control, or with refusing to bow to your mother's demands. There will be another Christmas next year.

[JingleBells]

Thats good advice Capybara thanks for replying. The whole situation seems unreal. Like a break up from a partner. I see things in shops and think oh such and such would like that, then i remember they hate me now.

I have realised people have VERY short memories and are very quick to take sides having heard only 1 side. The saddest part is when those comcerned are those meant to love and support you. In my family mother is the Exalted Matriarch who must NEVER be challenged and always worshipped.

[moglow]

Okay, I'll play. Do what exactly are you to apologize for - your feelings, long stuffed down and ignored? You lost your temper and said some things she didnt want to hear, I get it. But why does that a) warrant an apology or b) concern the rest of the family? You were hurt and disappointed yet again and you unloaded it where it belonged.

Maybe you could have worded it differently? In the heat of the moment, feeling dumped and let down yet again, that filter wasn't in place. At BEST, you might apologize for *the way* it came out. That doesnt negate or erase the very real feelings here, or that you've stuffed this down for years. And really, her backing out last minute on the heels of the repeated rejections, icing on the cake. Who among us doesn't have a breaking point??

Honestly, in my mind they can all kick rocks - they're choosing to kowtow to her. I get it. Them doing this all her/your life is what GOT you to this point. Nothing to do with the holidays, and frankly she'd already made herself clear there as well.

Choices, Jingle, we all make choices. Hers are biting her and she's trying to backpedal. She thinks you owe her, and she's wrlcome to those thoughts. You can see who and when YOU choose, people you love and appreciate who feel the same for you. You're not responsible for cleaning the shit she dumps and making it all better for her - you're responsible for YOUR behavior and how you treat others. Look to your stuff and address what's needed, and let them take care of their own.

Off my soapbox now.

[appaloosa]

Wow! That's a pretty crummy way to treat your daughter--excluding her from holiday get togethers--and informing her about it, no less. I think they've made it pretty clear to you how little your feelings matter to them. I'd believe them, and concentrate on your own little family. Your kids don't need to be around these toxic people either, imo, and I'd never ask them to babysit again. Can you spend the holiday with friends or find a meet up for single parents? Or start your own family traditions with the kids? I'm sorry your family doesn't treat you and your children with the respect and love you deserve. (Also--change your locks so they can't barge in on you!) xoxo

[JingleBells]

Moglow thanks very much some really great points and good advice. I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings in my family (unless they are hurt by an 'outsider') any suggestion Mother Dearest could *possibly* hurt a fly is met with horror. I love your points about taking responsibility for behaviour too. She cannot handle the slightest criticism-it sends her into an hysterical rage.

Appaloosa, great idea about making new traditions. I have a wonderful partner who me and kids intend to live with next year (we've been together 3 years) and he has 2 adult kids who are lovely. This year and last all 6 of us went iceskating at a lovely venue, and also saw a Christmas Movie another day (although we thought it pretty crap, called Last Christmas and was very politicised and a bit brainwashy) so we could make those annual family things.

My DSD text me today asking if he could drop xmas presents off so i have given him a short time slot before i collect DD from school. Not relishing this prospect as it will include sad face and *Mum is heartbroken* and a bit of gaslighting. I'm going to try grey rock technique. Deadpan answers without emotion. Maybe DSD has a bit of narcissism too. He stonewalled me for a week when i had a nosejob as he said i should have gone to him first (last i heard DSD was *not* a Rhinoplasty surgeon....) probably felt guilty for taking the piss out of my "pig's snout" a few weeks prior to surgery 😂

[qcdlvl]

It sounds like you're the family SG because your biological dad broke up with your M. In other words, not because of anything you did or anything "wrong" with you, but for something that doesn't really have anything to do with you. You're the victim of their abuse. You therefore owe them nothing. Not Xmas or even the time of the day. "You know how this family works" implies a confession - they know exactly what they're doing and they refuse to change. Please don't enable your own abuse by them.
Also, consider that SG roles tend to be inherited - your children will likely be the extended family's SGs simply because they are yours. Especially as they have the "blood" of your biodad. Please protect your children and yourself.

[JingleBells]

qcdlvl that is Spot On! My 2 kids are the least favourite grandkids. My GoldenBalls twat of a bro has a teen DD who my mother dotes on. She goes there twice a week after school and has since she started school. My kids have never been invited i've had to ask. Well that's changing. I don't want them being made to feel inferior to the higher status grandkids. X

[Fiasco]

GoldenBalls! I'm dying laughing 😂

[JingleBells]

😁😁

[CakeManUK]

Best wishes to you jinglebells.
I dread Christmas because of the situation with my mother. My W is NC with her and I am LC. But fortunately mother is invited to GCbro's again. So that eases the Christmas guilt trip. There will still be the, "you haven't celebrated Christmas with me since 2005" remark.
IDGAF anymore; ok thats a lie, but I am no longer hoping to fix it, just in mourning for what was lost or never was. I am more now thinking how this passes down the generations like a disease. I feel guilt that I don't spend any time with my bro, we rarely even speak. Not because we have had an actual spoken problem but because all news/information goes via M (control).
But I realised after beating myself up for being a bad brother, wait a second, how many times has he ever visited me? Called me? Emailed/messaged me? Even less, even before NC/LC. The truth is I was always expected and conditioned to visit them, they were the main event. Their marriage, their home, their kids. They haven't really bothered with me in my adult married life.  I've realised I don't actually feel I know them - not the now versions - I know the memories of them from when I played along. If they wanted, they could make an effort to get in touch or visit, but they don't.

[JingleBells]

Hi CakemanUK

Totally agree on the mourning for what could be. I have waves of guilt washing over me for telling my parents how i feel. Like I broke a taboo. Like only they have valid feelings- mine are hysteria and obviously I am mentally ill (gaslighting perpetuated slightly by some funny turns i have had that they know about).

My bro, Goldenballs has also made no effort ever with me. I live too far away to bother visiting apparently and despite me telling him (prior to the fall out with the Mothership) i was the SG and felt really upset about xmas and not being invited, he took his duty as Flying Monkey very seriously and bombarded me with vitriolic, spiteful & threatening abuse. He is now blocked and i chucked his expensive xmas card in the bin. Me and my mate cracked open the whisky i had bought him and had a jolly evening. My sister Goldenbaby has also gone off the radar except for sending a faux-concerned text asking if i could make contact to let 'somebody' know i'm ok as parents are 'worried' i replied by cut and pasting the last text i had sent her that she ignored, where i had thanked her for not getting involved in the dispute.

Anyway, good that your wife supports you and you have a lovely family of your own. The situation feels unreal to me. Like its all a bad dream. Like i need to go back to the fold with my head bowed and beg for forgiveness like i always have. 😨

[sarandro]

Hi...I am in the exact same position with my FOO
Falling out with the 'Mothership'!!!

It's my first Christmas NC with all of them...I hope you have a great holiday without all the blame/shame game.
No more going back for me, either.

Stay strong and spend your time with those you love and who love you back XX

[JingleBells]

Hi Sarandro!

Absolutely! Lets enjoy the people we love and who love us back this Christmas. 1st one NC is going to me a milestone for you.

I'm aiming for an LC/VLC level from now on. Although my father is coming later to bring xmas presents (no doubt ordered by the Mothership) 1st contact in 2 weeks. I allowed this as my poor nan has been roped in unwittingly as a Flying Monkey and has been praying we 'make up' and pleading with me and she is very old and frail and i dont want her to be worrying because of me.

My aim is to keep it 'grey rock' and civil but i know my dad will try and provoke a reaction one way or another.

I will report back later. Hope you have a great day! Xx

[sarandro]

Hi JingleBells...
It's awful that we are being told to make up...a situation that we did not cause.
We are seen as the 'bad ones' for not doing what we always do...smoothing things over...papering over the cracks, so everything looks OK to outsiders.

We are worriers and will probably remain so as we have kind hearts, but I for one will be saving my worries for those I love.
Sorry your Nan has been made to feel that way by the Mothership.
We can't change this situation, but we can remove ourselves from the hurt...it's the only way for me.

It still feels wrong, though, doesn't it?

We shouldn't be treated this way in the first place.

Have a good day yourself and let us know how you get on XX

[CakeManUK]

Jinglebells,
Do you think there was this in a previous generation? Not your Nan, as you adore her she's obviously not an NPD, but maybe someone else? She is probably an unknowing bystander who genuinely wants to fix it, or does you nan understand more than you think and more than she wants to admit is true, even to herself? Hope that isn't  a painful question.
I have thought much about this myself. I think in my family, my M is NPD because her M was. That may just be me making and excuse for her, as usual.
I am fascinated, in a horrified way, about whether this does pass down generations if the SG is not awoken. Now I am woken, I regard it my duty, honor even, to take this pain to stop it passing on to my kids.

Best wishes to you and yours. Happy holidays.

[Borntosurvive178]

Hi Jinglebells
As a fellow scapegoat child I know those guttural feelings of being ostracized and abandoned well that you have been facing recently.
We were always told we had to apologise to UPD M by our F who also had MH issues and PD. He put her on a pedestal and we mustn't say anything critical. If we did we would be shut out, or horrible phone calls/letters etc would happen.
I remember in my early twenties not being able to tolerate those feelings of isolation and abandonment. So would always go back for more punishment. 'Yeah kick me again, I didn't feel it enough the last time' kind of thing!
But listen to your rage! It is telling you something really important here!
You do not need to have this kind of mistreatment, for starters, change the locks if DSD has a key! What right did he have to come marching in! How dare he come into your home, your 'safe place!'
Once you pull away for a while, you regain your sense of self. Once you put boundaries in you start to respect yourself! Then you start to draw in positive people in your life, and the negative  naturally fall away!
Also maybe try to take up a creative activity  writing  poetry, painting and drawing etc. Thesr things are great for getting your  feelings out.
I have  been writing  poetry and it really helps, as I think it comes from your psyche, so the relief is pretty deep, when the words are out!
I really hope you're okay, and hope you can stay strong! Please dont be anyone's kicking post. You're worth so, so much more than that!
Love n light my friend!

[JingleBells]

Dear Borntosurvive,

Thank you so much for your words. It is refreshing to know i'm not alone-(not that I would wish this on anyone else mind you)

Your childhood sounds precisely like mine. Mother is "fragile" mustn't upset her.

I saw the Mothership today with some of my family as we had booked an event a year ago and they still wanted to go despite my obvious mental illness.... 😒.

Interestingly, my partner told me the mothership gave him the cold shoulder today. Now he had stuck up for me when i had the big row with her and told her to apologise-so the hate is being seemingly transferred to my poor fellow.

My father also ordered me to *speak* to the mothership this week. I said maybe and walked away.

I'm fuming they are shitting on my lovely man. Trying to make him the new scapegoat, turn me against him so we break up, then they have me back in the fold.

NOT HAPPENING MOE FOES!!

[JingleBells]

I have a child with additional needs.

I allowed him to go with my paremts on a short trip last weekend. My DSD told my kid he would take him on an outing next weekend (one my kid would love) then later ASKED me.

What would you guys do?

Let my kiddo go and enjoy it, or dig heels in and say you cannot go behind my back then ask me later??

It seems a bit controlling.

[JingleBells]

With the hated one, a baby made.

What of life had he stayed?

Publicly loved, privately despised,

Girl with dark hair and bright green eyes.

As a teen repeatedly told;

You'll bring shame on the family now you're old.

Awful you have such bad blood.

Love you? Yes, of course we could.

Pity you refuse to toe the line,

Hard to believe such as you could be mine!

How dare you break free from us!

We will wreak vengeance on you if we must...

Your life will be miserable as hell!

Your own family will suffer under our spell.

I refuse to listen to this, it is taking the piss,

A woman grown i've a mind of my own.

You see there is a a lifting of the mist.