Positive indications with my kids

[Findingmyvoice]

Hi, I just wanted to post some things that came up over the last few days that have made me feel optimistic about how my kids are doing.
After separation I was worried that my kids weren't going to cope well or that they would struggle / suffer due to the changes.
My other worry was that they were going to be alienated against me or that they would get dragged under by exBPDw's paranoia, negativity and controlling nature.

Yesterday evening my 14yo (almost 15) son explicitly asked to have a conversation with me.  This might not seem like a huge deal, but he was just at his mom's for four days and I think he missed me.  For the first year or so after separation, I felt that our bond was not as strong.   I think my son had some resentment towards me and was protective of his mother.  He would often not want to talk and he would be passive aggressive towards me after visits to his mom's.  I am seeing that disappear now.

I also heard from my daughters that he stood up to exBPDw a few weeks ago.  She flipped out on him in public and criticized him so harshly that he started to cry.  She wouldn't leave him alone and followed him around the store criticizing him.  Afterwards he stood up to her and told her that the way she treated him wasn't right.  He would not have done this even 6 months ago.

My daughters have a standing date to have their friends over to my house once a week on Tuesdays after school.
I'm glad that they feel comfortable having their friends visit.  One of my goals was to have an open door policy for friends and family.  If we are home, feel free to come over.  No need to schedule ahead, make a big fuss or make judgments or excuses.  No need to feel shame if things are a little messy or out of place, we have .  Life is better with people in it.

A few weeks ago I had some people over to our home to celebrate the sale of our house and to celebrate my brother's birthday.  I invited my GF to come and bring her children and I was a little nervous about how that would turn out.  There is a bit of an age gap, but my daughters know her daughter from swimming and my son is really good with entertaining kids that are younger than him.  The kids all got along fine of course, but afterwards my son asked if we could do this more often.  I'm happy that he is secure about meeting and being around new people, I have noticed his confidence has increased a lot in the last year.

I got a prank phone call at lunch time from one of my daughter's friends.  I could hear them giggling wildly in the background.
They would NEVER do this to their mom.  She would freak if you surprised her or played a prank on her.
It shows me that they are not afraid to be themselves and that they feel safe and comfortable around me.

My daughter is going swimming with the school this week.  Both of my daughters swim competitively so they are very comfortable in the water and in bathing suits, but for training and competitions they wear suits that have full coverage.  They have never worn a 2 piece bathing suit.  My daughter is planning on wearing her 2 piece suit for the first time this week.  I'm glad that she feels comfortable enough with her body to do this.
My ex has a lot of body image issues and recently was trying to shame my daughter for wearing a bit of eye makeup to school.  She would constantly be commenting on her own weight and on what the girls would eat, she would call them greedy or pigs if she thought they were eating too much, at times she would force them to eat when they weren't hungry.  She was also recently harassing me about the girls weight and health.  My daughters are trim and athletic and I would say they are normal for their age.  Not skinny, not overwieght.  They eat healthy meals, they don't ever skip meals or talk about "watching their weight or what they eat".

[NumbLotus]

This is really good stuff. The two things that jumped at me the most were:

Your open door policy. I suspect a lot of PD families struggle with this. There's a lot to hide. Feeling like the home is welcome for friends is huge.

The prank call. Yeah, those girls trusted you enough to do it.

[Penny Lane]

FMV, this is a great update! I love it and I'm so happy for you all. I'm especially glad your daughters aren't picking up toxic feelings about their bodies from their mom - it's easy to do that even with an otherwise healthy parent, and it can leave lasting damage in girls.

I hope others will chime in with things that are going right for their kids, too. This time of year is very stressful and even more with PDs - let's all celebrate the good stuff! Your post made me really think about what we have going on and I realized - there are positive indications here, to!

DSS12 is transitioning firmly into puberty. A few years ago we were working with him on being able to say no; well, it turns out we DEFINITELY succeeded. He is saying no not only to us but to DSD and, it seems, his mom. Hopefully he's also saying no to his friends when necessary. DH has a great attitude about new occasionally surly DSS. Every time DSS does something particularly obnoxious, H praises him for hitting his developmental milestones. It's very effective at removing the tension from the moment, we all have a good laugh and move on. I'm trying to see his acts of rebellion against me as a good thing. He could hate me for being his stepmom, but he does not, he just sometimes hates all his parents and I'm in that category! It's kind of flattering when you think about it.

DSD9 is really blossoming. She's started to read chapter books and think in more sophisticated ways. When she gets mad she will now put herself in time out! "I need to take a break in my room." She went through a real rough patch about a month ago but seems to be back to herself. Both kids have taken to making these really elaborate projects/inventions with whatever craft supplies we have around the house. It's amazing to see their brains work. Both kids also have gotten comfortable with inviting their friends over to our house and with running over to the neighbors to see if they want to play, which has been really good for everyone.

When it comes to their mom I do think they're slowly getting a fuller picture of how she is and how to handle it. This is my ultimate goal for them, that they can see their mom's behavior for what it is, and make decisions accordingly. They seem to know that if mom is in charge of something, it's not going to happen, and they plan accordingly. It can be very disappointing for them and that's heartbreaking. But we've pulled ourselves out of it. We're not hiding her bad behavior from them - that just leads to US getting blamed for the disappointment. But we're also not suggesting they feel any certain way about it or letting them know that we're unhappy. That gives them the space to feel their own feelings, whatever they might be.

Teachers, administrators, doctors etc seem to have finally picked up on the fact that DH is very involved in the kids' lives, and more and more they're communicating directly with him. Having this important information about the kids has been really helpful, especially in tracking areas where they're falling behind in coursework or having problems with peers. Because of this, we've been able to work with them in a couple of areas that we wouldn't have known about otherwise.

Thanks again for sharing! I hope we can all find some things to celebrate during this holiday season. Coparenting with a PD is HARD and you have to celebrate the wins when you can!

[Stepping lightly]

Findingmyvoice,

I am SO happy for you!  There is nothing better than seeing kids confident, happy and thriving.  I think your approach to having a relaxed and comfortable home will go a long way with your kids.  Sometimes it's the small things we notice that gives us the clues on how they are doing, and you are receiving some pretty big signals- so well done!

We have made a bit of progress on the kids having their friends over this year as well.  BM has forced them in the past to feel like it was not acceptable- when DSD was little she tried to give DH's phone number to a friend and BM ripped it away and told her she has to give her number, not DH's.  BM was on a campaign to demonstrate that we were "socially isolating" the kids by them not having friends over to our house.  They are both in middle school now, and DSD has had her friends over several times.  I think intially she was afraid we wouldn't accept her friends because they all of have very specific identities.  Once she realized none of that matter to us, and they had a fun, it made a huge difference.

The other issue we have is that we have a nice house, and BM cries poor (even though she's  not).  So DSD, who is under BM's spell, feels guilty having her friends to our house because they think we are "rich", and I think it conflicts with DSDs adopted image from BM of being "very poor".   But- I guess now that the cats out of the bag so to speak, it seems the kids are comfortable here.

[Penny Lane]

One more thing on the topic of friends that I am personally proud of. We recently got a video game system (they didn't have one before I moved in) and DSS likes to have his friends over and play video games. I'm not a hardcore gamer but I did play quite a bit in high school and college so I've been having fun introducing the kids to games I used to play as well as learning with them about newer games.

The other day DSS told me "(his best friend) and I talked and we like playing video games with you, you can play with us anytime." Coming from the preteen who practically barricades him and his friends in the other room so no one can come in, that is a great compliment!

[athene1399]

FMV,

That is amazing! I am sorry to hear that BM flipped out on DS in public, but am glad he was able to stand up for himself.  Maybe your kids seeing the differences between the two households have helped them to figure out there's a different way that they should be and can be treated (by you modeling the respectful behavior). I'm also glad it sounds like your Ds are becoming confident in how they look. I am so excited for you and your family. This is good news. 

[Findingmyvoice]

Thanks everyone for posting, it is very uplifting!

Penny, my ex is the same regarding not following through on promises or commitments with the kids.
If it is something important that they can't miss I make sure I let my kids know ahead of time that they can call me for a ride.
If it's discretional, I just let it go.  It hurts me to see the kids upset over missing things that are important to them, but I also can't be undermining or constantly rescuing my ex.

Numb, you hit the nail on the head with having a lot to hide,  my ex would only have people over if everything looked perfect.  If the kids' friends' parents came in to chat unexpectedly exBPDw would literally hide.  My daughters have picked up this trait somewhat.  If someone is at the door unexpectedly they head for their rooms.  So, I still have some work to do on some of their fears and insecurities around people.

Stepping, I think no matter what the situation is, the PD will complain that they have it worse off.  My ex has a newer, larger home and more expensive vehicle than I do, but she still plays the "broke" card when it comes to supporting our children.
I have filed an application for child support and sharing children's expenses, the reply from her lawyer was that there was no way she could pay any child support because of "undue hardship".  Give me a break.
And great job showing your SC that you are accepting of their friends.  That is so important.

[Crushed_Dad]

Lovely to read finding, taking inspiration from it, provides some small hope