What boundaries do you have with your in-laws?

[Consumed]

I am realising more than ever that I only have the power to change myself and not others. And I just wondered what boundaries you have implemented regarding your in-laws?

I am somewhat low contact (purely for DH's sake), and wondered if it was unreasonable for me to set the boundary of never wanting to be travelling in a vehicle with them?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well, I'm NC so that rules out vehicles. 

Actually, I set the boundary of not being in a vehicle with my NF if either of us were driving for years before I went NC with him. Before I knew what a boundary was. He made me so anxious while I was driving due to his constant criticisms, and he was himself a very unsafe driver. If you think it's a boundary you need with your ILs, go for it. You don't need anyone else's approval.

[WinterStar]

Consumed,

Not being in the same vehicle with someone else is a reasonable boundary to set. I've vowed to never get in the same car with my narcissistic BIL ever again.

Wish you well!

[bloomie]

Consumed - A few things that have been helpful -

All communication goes through DH. I do not answer the phone, or respond to emails and texts from in law family members.
All decisions regarding in laws are discussed and agreed upon by us before committing.
I am not alone with any of DH's family members and am not left alone at larger family gatherings.
With one exception, I no longer entertain in law family members in my home.

[djcleo]

Hi Consumed,

Basically, it's whatever YOUR needs are plus whatever you can control. You can't control what someone else does, which I think you recognize, from what you wrote.

Our boundaries with my BPD MIL have to do with, basically, low contact. We discuss beforehand a LOT of things which you probably wouldn't have to discuss before seeing family without personality disorders.

That said, our big plan is to not mention certain things to BPD MIL. We don't talk about much more interesting than the weather. With her, you can talk about some really high level intellectual topics a lot of the time, but you CANNOT talk about politics.

Also, it's a lot of LISTENING when we're visiting. It's all medium chill and low contact. She wants to talk about x, and as long as it isn't bad or inflammatory, we listen and talk with her.

Our visits are shorter. We don't stay over unless absolutely needed. We sort of just keep her in the dark about things that don't affect her and we live our lives. It's so much better than it was a few years ago when we first got married. It was HORRIBLE. However, she's been happy since we've gone to help with random chores since my FIL has been away a lot. She has narcissistic tendencies and takes medication before we come over apparently. So, we're very blessed that things are sort of manageable now, but FIL gets the brunt of the reactions.

I do not email or social media or call BPD MIL. No texting. I see her in person. Very occasionally is this boundary changed. Once she called and said to come back to her house since a tornado was coming. I was TOTALLY ok with that.

So, again, we're better off than most at the moment. You have to learn to deal with your heart when it gets hurt and just don't give them opportunities to hurt you.

[all4peace]

You are allowed to set whatever boundaries are necessary for you to have a healthy and happy life.

-For me and my DH, our boundaries are now that invitations from DH's family need to include all of us, or they won't be acknowledged or accepted.
-My boundaries are that I don't accept communication from mil, fil and one sil. I haven't spoken or written that; I've simply blocked them and do not receive their communication. A written boundary is that communication to our family needs to come through my DH. That was ignored repeatedly also. Now my blocking actually works and I don't have a way of knowing if they continue to disregard this.
-Our boundaries are that DD is not accessible by herself. That has been spoken, written, repeated, ignored, violated and still stands strong. DD is not accessible on her own. (see below: DD may CHOOSE to be available on her own, at her current older age, but we will not pass on invitations that focus only on her or try to manipulate situations to be alone with her)
-Another boundary is that if we want someone in our home, we invite them. We requested no more drop-ins. That was violated repeatedly, repeated many times, and no longer is violated. We still have not, 3 years later, offered an invitation. We may in the future but aren't ready yet.
-My unspoken boundary is that I don't allow myself to be forced into unwanted physical contact. My spoken-to-DH boundary is that I will never willingly choose to be alone with his family members. Fil still finds ways to find me in shared spaces, alone. I end that contact as politely and as quickly as possible.
-My and DH's spoken-to-each-other boundary is that we ALWAYS talk to each other first before responding to communication from either of our families. We ALWAYS choose the plan that we can both live with, we talk clearly about timing and unspoken cues, and we stick to our word when we spend time with either family. Our priority is building trust and safety with each other, not how our families feel about our visits with them.
-My unspoken boundary for myself is that I treat all humans with dignity and as much kindness as our relationship allows. I stick to that as much as I'm able, and I try not to beat myself up when I'm sometimes don't quite meet the mark.
-Our spoken-to-our-kids boundary is that they're at their ages (adult and nearly adult) free to choose the level of relationship with their grandparents that they wish. Our only request is that they not share our family's news and life, as that's the territory of a good and safe relationship, but that our kids are free to share anything about their own lives with their grandparents that they wish.

Hope that helps. I'm sure I'll think of more over time. It's a good exercise to consider our boundaries and to remember that we each get to choose our own as necessary for our lives, our marriages and even our own stage on the journey. Good luck!

[qcdlvl]

Context: I've never met my FIL but from what I know of his actions he reeks of NPD or at least fleas. Several members of my extended IL family have issues, although not PDs I think. MIL had serious failings as a parent, of the failure-to-protect kind.
Regarding FIL, we've agreed that if he seeks contact with our LO he can have it provided it's tightly supervised, and I've insisted that by me personally. That includes things like facetime calls. So far FIL has shown zero interest, after LO's first birthday I intend to revisit this - this offer has an expiration date. Outside of supervising such contact I have no interest in having contact with FIL.
With MIL, we've agreed that she will never move in with us and that LO cannot be in her unsupervised care. She's not malicious, but her failure-to-protect precedents mean I don't trust her to protect LO if the need arises.
Recently I set a boundary with SIL (late 20's) - she visited our town for reasons unrelated to us, I stayed home from work to stay with LO so DW could pick her up from the bus station, then when she was going back DW asked me to be home by 4 so I could stay with LO and I agreed. Then SIL, for no apparent reason, bought a ticket for 3:30 - I would've had to be home by 3 at the latest for my DW to take her. I didn't change  my plans and suggested SIL take an uber to the bus station, which she did. Next visit I won't take any time off work for her benefit.