Am I Atheist Because of My Complex-PTSD & Sociopath/Narcissistic Mother?

[AschenP]

Hi all,

It's been some time since anyone posted on this thread, but I felt compelled to write with an update.  Since writing and following through on the feedback suggested here (particularly DJCleo's last post), some pretty wild stuff has happened.  I can only describe the experience that has been unfolding as a spiritual reconnection.  After such prolonged periods of trauma, my connection to myself and others was obfuscated.  After separating myself from my PD abuser and flying monkeys, taking time to reconnect with myself, and following my intuition into the spiritual world, I am now connected.  I am actually in disbelief about my belief.  Also... it's technically a "belief" because there aren't facts available to anyone but me... but I had a random "chance" encounter with a spiritual person who knew things that no one else could possibly have known without me giving her any information at all whatsoever.  This stuff was not able to be Googled.  I think spirituality is supposed to be about "faith"... but this feels much more like knowing for sure that there is more.  And that's all I'll say on the experience!  But it suffices to say that I never thought it could have happened to me.  Thank you so much for this forum and for your support.  I never thought back in January that I could be where I am today.

- Aschen

Thank you so much for the response, DJCleo!  In particular, what you wrote in the quoted text below was especially helpful for me.  As a person overly involved in ensuring my own destiny, the ideas of "not putting pressure" on myself or "letting a higher power find" me wouldn't have occurred to me.  It is these kinds of differences in thinking and behaving that I'm aware that I need.  Thank you so much for pointing me in the right direction.  Taking a more passive & cooperative rather than forceful & individualistic role does not come naturally.

Maybe you shouldn't put pressure on yourself to connect with a higher power. Maybe you should just allow yourself to be open to what others share and then research it and see what helps? I think if you put pressure on yourself to believe then it's going to feel like a task to pass or fail and I don't see that helping anyone.

Have you tried asking a higher power to find you? Imagine opening your heart and mind open to this higher power and ask it to show you who it is.

[SonofThunder]

Congratulations AschenP on your new findings! 

Me personally:  I am a believer in God and that he alone is the creator of me and of the rest of the natural universe and that his ultimate will (a continuing story of his love for his creation) is unfolding.  I believe that I will, through the redemptive work/gift and love of God through Jesus Christ, his son, reside upon my death, with Christ and all fellow humans who have accepted Christ's (God's) gift of substitution and sacrifice for sin on my behalf. 

I grew up in a 'religious' family and went to church regularly as a youth, but was not aware of a potential relationship with my creator, Christ.   I moved away from home and attended college quite a distance from my birthplace.  During those college years I became very questioning of all things I was taught as a youth and abondoned those principles.  Subsequent, I flunked out of college and turned to heavy drug and alcohol use and promiscuity in my very early 20's.     

At the age of 24, I hit an all time low.  One day I was sliding through programs on the FM radio dial and came across a man speaking about Jesus in a way I had not heard before and in listening, it made a lot of sense and I listened again, and again. 

After hearing the words of the speaker and searching the Bible for myself I came to the conclusion that my maker actually loved me and wanted to have a relationship with me as a loving father and friend, I accepted that he was real, accepted his work on the cross on my behalf and invited him to find me, not knowing that he already had ;-).

Not only did that begin a lifetime of growing relationship with Christ, but he (I believe miraculously) caused me to immediately experience bodily pain as I continued drug use and i quit abruptly, finding that the pain quit also.  I've been drug free since.   I'm in my lower 50's now. 

I tell you this because I'm excited for you to be exploring your spiritual/higher power side and I would suggest you continue be open to the potential that God is real and simply ask him to reveal himself to you.  Then, likewise, be very sensitive to his revelation through people, situations, his creation and other means of his reaching out to you. 

I do not practice 'religion' but rather am proactively growing in a relationship with my creator.  I really can't stand 'religion', as I feel it is a human endeavor that is self serving, but rather I would prefer a more humble relationship with Christ my creator and be open to his leading in my life vs forcing religious ritual on myself. 

Again, congratulations on your adventure and I look forward to reading more about your experiences.   

SoT.

[LSK1999]

In answer to your question C-PTSD equating to atheism....my answer to you is a resounding yes. Before you listen to my response I want you to understand that I am not crazy, I am highly educated, I hold two Master's degrees and I have studied extensively in psychology, sociology, and my new endeavor is theology. With that being said I am a Christian, but one who has struggled deeply with my faith on and off throughout my life. Why this struggle and doubt despite the fact that I have previously had deep and very personal experiences with God?? My answer to you is C-PTSD. My story is a very very long one so I cannot simply retell it in a post here, nor can I submit to you all of the evidence I have found that has led me back to the same truth. God is real and alive and well. I have spent countless hours trying to understand my inability to believe at times when my C-PTSD is in full swing. I believe we have been spiritually damaged by abuse and our inability to believe in our heavenly father comes from the treatment by people that are essentially Godless. Having parents that worship only themselves left us with the inability to relate to who god really is, and they have deeply impaired our spirit and our souls.

I believe we have an earthly mind and a spiritual mind, this is backed by scripture in many places. We have been forced because of abuse to live way too deeply in our earthly or almost animal like brains (fight or flight), however we do have a higher consciousness, there is resounding and profound evidence for this everywhere and in many things. The bible tells us to renew our mind in spirit and in Christ and my friend when we do that the joy and love we experience are profound , I KNOW I experienced it, only to lose it when my C-PTSD kicked in again. C-PTSD took my faith from me and I am on a journey to regain it again. Bottom line I think belief is a choice. I am always shocked by people that choose to not even give the bible a chance, I read it from beginning and end and opened my heart to the truth of it. This book is the word of God, how people can ignore that truth is beyond me and it would scare the hell out of me to do so. Amazingly everything it says about life and the way we should live is THE TRUTH, show me a world full of people living the way Christ taught us to and I'll show you a beautiful world. Unfortunately, this earth was not destined for this from the beginning. Nothing sickens me more than to know that the trauma of my life damaged not only my psyche horrendously but my spirit and my soul.

Because I am a Christian with strengthening faith I care about those of you that have lost your ability to believe and I fully understand it, I have lived it, but I'm here to tell you it's a lie. I ask that you not just take my word for it but study this stuff yourselves. I invite you to take a journey and really open your heart. I understand how hard it can be to believe ( I also believe there are forces that don't want you to), please if you are serious about wanting to understand that God is real and your trauma and C-PTSD are what is making it hard for you to believe, please go to you tube and search a man named Mike McHargue or read his book Finding God in the Waves. He is also called Science Mike (he knows a ton about science). Mike was a lifelong Christian that had some pretty traumatic experiences that led him to atheism and he was a firm atheist, until he had a deeply profound spiritual experience that led him to get a scan for a brain tumor...lol. This man is very intelligent, very well spoken, and pretty funny too. I promise you will not be disappointed! I fully believe that you have to want to believe to be able to.....only you can decide. You might feel crazy at first...Science Mike talks about how he had to create axioms to pray so he didn't feel like a fool! The lord will open your eyes, you have to believe in him in order to find him...bible tells us this also....God Bless and best wishes to all of you on healing and your journey xx

[AschenP]

I haven't thought about this thread in a long time.  I'm so happy that I thought to return to it and see if anyone had responded since I last visited the site.  Thank you so much for the thoughtful responses.   This forum is a gift.

Regarding your post, LSK1999... I couldn't agree more.  As you said, it is astounding to me how much evidence there is that God exists.  After I posted this, I started to really open my damaged and fearful mind to the possibility of God.  In all honesty, I earnestly begged that if God were real that it could be made known to me.  To my utter and absolute shock, it worked.  I won't go into a year's worth of details here; but one thing I will say is that I literally - not figuratively - saw the light.  I experienced it.  I never fully understood it before it happened... but "seeing the light" isn't just a phrase, it's a phenomenon.

I have also been thinking quite intently myself about the impact of abuse on spirituality.  I do not think that abuse can damage spirit.  The spirit is whole, pure, and untouchable.  I believe it is only our human mind that can be damaged and shut off the spiritual experience.  It is only our relationship to our spirit that can be both damaged and repaired.  I hope this is not only a helpful notion, but one that resonates as true.

Warmly,
AschenP

In answer to your question C-PTSD equating to atheism....my answer to you is a resounding yes.

The lord will open your eyes, you have to believe in him in order to find him...bible tells us this also....God Bless and best wishes to all of you on healing and your journey xx

[1footouttadefog]

I will disclaim that I am a Christian who finds my faith consistently reinforced by my knowledge of and love of science.  Exploring scientific topics is a form or worship to me.  It's like getting to know my best friend better.

That said, I have a close lifelong friend who considers himself an atheist.  He goes through some very dark times due to c-ptsd, mental illness, and being an abuse/trauma survivor . 

He has ventured into twelve steps mindset at times on his journey.  We discussed what would be his HP. In these discussions he felt it would be his ethics/morality that he believes is shared and almost universal across the globe and thereby independent of religion. 

I spent time thinking what would be my HP if I was an atheist.  It would be the laws of the universe combined with   resultant laws such as the human DNA code.  After all it would seem if I took God out of the equation, the laws of the universe and the permutation of all random events that brought me to this place at this time and provided these events to test me is a HP than myself. 

I gave my disclaimer because I personally have a hard time dividing the above from my concept of God as I believe He masterminded it, set it all in motion and to some extent interacts with it all, and that the observing or learning about minutia of it all are how I know Him more over time.