He's out of the house

[momnthefog]

The past couple of months, son's behavior has gone down hill. 

Son is 21 with history of RAD, ODD and (likely) PD.

I've written before about the challenges in a thread about removing adult children from the home.

In Oct, I reiterated the rules and expectations.  He simply CAN NOT take being corrected.

From that day forward he refused to do even the bare minimum of paying for his phone and car insurance and attending the trash....which he had done previously.

He began obnoxious behavior like when his friends picked him up (and dropped him off) blowing the horn.  Even when I asked him to talk to them and stop that he responded with "lol."

In mid Nov he was given 30 day notice.

He moved in with a 20 yo buddy and his family last night....both blowing the horn as they left.

Relief.....simple relief is all I feel.

momnthefog

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Mominthefog. Sending you a big hug!

[GettingOOTF]

I have been following your story. You have done so much for your son, he is fortunate to have you.

I am so relived for you. I'm so happy you get to enjoy your space and some well earned peace and quiet.

[blacksheep7]

I understand your relief and you did the right thing even though I'm sure you would have liked it to turn out otherwise.  Many parents enable that behavior with always having hope that they will change saying "well I can't just throw him/her out".  I've heard it in my family. 

I wanted a discussion with my dd when she was 21 because she was not living up to her responsibilities at home.  When the time came and I had asked to sit down, she went to her room then came out with her backpack and just left.  I never heard from her and gave me the silent treatment for 18 months.  She went to live with her narc dad and he didn't have the decency to call me to let me know or ask about the situation.

take care

[hhaw]

mntf:
Your son bedded to go.  I'm sorry things went downhill.  For a while things were better.

Maybe this other mum will have easier connection with son bc of the RAD.  At least he's safe, and has support system. 

I hope you and your younger children enjoy the holidays in peace.

[Free2Bme]

mominthefog-

I am sorry to hear this, it was looking optimistic for a while there.  I can relate to feelings of relief, I felt huge relief when my DS left over a year ago (at my insistence).  After I worked through the pain/loss/grief of it, I realized that this was the way I had to show him love at this point in his life.  I wasn't rejecting him as a person, as my son, but just setting a hard boundary. 

I know you have really worked with him to improve the relationship and move him in a positive direction.  This boundary protects you and serves an important lesson for your DS.  Hopefully, he will respond well to this opportunity to stand on his own. 

Not to hijack, but on a positive note my DS20 is doing a bit better.  He still has issues, but when he comes home to visit (stays in my home), he is respectful, and even helps out a little. At times, I can easily begin to feel resentful of what he put me through, but I am trying to work through those feelings.   It's far from ideal but I'm grateful for any small improvement.

Stay hopeful.

[Adria]

I'm sorry things went downhill so bad.  You are so strong.  What a difficult position to be put in.  You did the right thing, momnthefog,  It's your turn now to relax and live peacefully.  I so hope you do. You sure deserve it.  We can only do so much without letting them take us down, and you did everything you could.  Hugs, Adria

[momnthefog]

Thank you all for your words of comfort and understanding.  They mean a great deal.  I have an older daughter also adopted with (likely) RAD but dx with BPD in her late teens so this is not my first go round with dealing with these issues.....it's still just as heart breaking.

I sent txt inviting son to Christmas dinner and to open packages.  He didn't show show so I sent the gifts with his sisters as they were seeing him with dad and brothers in the afternoon.

He surprised me with a visit later that day and a small gift. 

He was appreciative of the gifts and in good spirits.  I told him that it was never my intention to isolate him from me or the family but that I felt he needed this to grow and stand on his own.  He acknowledged that and compared his experience to his older brother who joined the military at 19. 

It was a good visit.  I pray that he can keep this trajectory.....he has a tendency (as we all do) to make changes and back slide. 

I'm still certain this was the best option for all of us and I'm grateful that he found a safe place.

momnthefog

[Latchkey]

momnthefog,

I am just seeing this. I am glad that Christmas went better and hoping for a good New Year for you and your family. It sounds like you did the right thing with giving him a shorter time frame this time around. 


Latchkey