feeling numb

[capybara]

So it's been several weeks since BPDH moved out and I am feeling fine, relieved that the daily stress is gone, happy to be with my kids, but about the ex and the marriage... numb. Like I can't even be with my emotions. And certainly not wanting to be with any memories.

I think I am afraid to give in to some of my anger b.c I don't want to badmouth H to my kids. And of course it is mainly uPDmom who asks about my feelings, and she is the last one I want to open up to.

I am doing talk therapy but it mostly feels pretty unstructured.

Has anyone else been through this? Does anything help?

[notrightinthehead]

Numb sounds like the denial stage in the grieving process. Just go on with what you are doing. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[mdana]

Yes,

Numb is ok.  It's a protective place to be ---when we are not ready or able to deal with the deeper, devastating emotions (anger, rage, deep sadness and pain).

It's good you know it and what is happening around you.

I was numb for a very long time, until slowly (with help and in the right place/time) I was able to grieve and process the rest.

Take good care of yourself!  It's gonna be ok...What you are experiencing is normal, given what you have been through!

M

[capybara]

Thank you both. I think part of it is that H used to criticize me for being "emotionally withdrawn" a lot. And would criticize my parenting on that basis as well. Of course I would ask myself if something was wrong with me, I probably agreed that something was emotionally wrong with me.

I know he just wasn't getting the emotional response *he* wanted, and also it's true that I tend to be more reserved. Certainly more reserved than the BPDs in my life, LOL! I think it will take a lot of time and work to get his voice out of my head, as much as I can.

[theonetoblame]

Although a different situation, I grieved the loss of my unPD parents for years prior to finally ending the relationship and going NC. When the ties were finally cut, I actually felt relief not grief... I had already worked through the grief for a long time.

Is it possible you have been grieving the loss of this relationship prior to it actually ending? There is no prescription for how you should be feeling, numb could just be numb. It could also be exhaustion and relief, or other things. It might be a good thing to feel and a positive outcome -- only you can interpret what it should mean for you.

[Spygirl]

Numb is normal.

Numb is a coping mechanism you may have probably used since you were a child. That its around your current situation is normal. It takes a long while to pass. Took me MONTHS. Be kind and patient with yourself.

My expdh and even my boss have commented that i was also "emotionless". It was never that. It was survival programming i instinctively used to survive childhood. When you are that  closed, people cannot gauge your feelings. They also cannot manipulate you. 

The emotional dam will eventually break, when your mind and body feel safe to deal with the trauma. 

[1footouttadefog]

I think numb is good and normal for a season.  You are in cruise control.  Alot needs to be done for the transition and you are handling it while putting emotions on hold.  When the time is right you will open the flood gates and let things flow out. You might be surprised at what comes and how deep and painful some of it will be.  But that is normal also and will lead to healing. 

Be kind to your self.  Dont use a pds measuring stick to measure your progress.

As to your therapy, of you are feeling it's too unstructured tell the therapist you want to short to a more goal oriented style, as you are the boss. 

[Libria]

...H used to criticize me for being "emotionally withdrawn" ... he just wasn't getting the emotional response *he* wanted... I think it will take a lot of time and work to get his voice out of my head.

I think it's really great that you reached this insight.  Withdrawing was a way to disengage from the PD and a survival mechanism for your sanity. So of course it was under attack, because disengagement isn't what the PD prefers.
As for getting the voice out of your head - when external voices keep telling us that some part of ourselves is bad, we come to suspect it's bad, or even to believe it's evil, and that's an unpleasant side-effect of caring about other people's feelings and opinions.  Ideally I want to retain the ability to care, but add a filter for selecting more narrowly which messages are valid.

Another consideration is that any healthy person in an unhealthy situation would become reliant on whatever survival mechanisms we have, even if it means over-using something like withdrawal or numbness.  (At least it wasn't over-using substances or gambling, which are much harder to recover from.)  But there can be some genuine guilt or remorse for over-using a survival strategy, even if it was benign.  In my experience, any genuine remorse needs to be accepted and dealt with, before I can get the invalid and unhelpful parts of the critical voice to exit my head.

Warmest wishes