Christmas with PD family members

[green_tea]

With Christmas approaching I find I am more tired than usual with family dynamics and pressure.

I'm so overwhelmed and tired by the constant back and forth when we're in communication. I can't handle being the scapegoat anymore but I also don't want to cut ties with my mom. This is so isolating and devastating and I'm not sure how to approach family gatherings this Christmas. Any thoughts or advice on how people have dealt with family gatherings/Christmas? Or on how to let go?

[Oscen]

Holidays are the most difficult time with dysfunctional families.

It's helpful to start with the basics - consider your physical boundaries.
Control, control, control them so that you feel safe and comfortable at all times.

Where will you be staying? A family member's home?
Will you have your own bedroom with a door that you can shut, or better yet, lock?
Or best of all, stay in a hotel/Air B'n'B/with a friend or family member who is healthy.
Money may be an issue, but then that's one thing that they know they can use to control you.
Make the best choices you can afford to make.
If you're sleeping on the floor of a common area or in someone else's bedroom with them, then this is far from ideal. I'd recommend you stay only one night in that case.
You need to be able to control people's physical access to you, so that you can protect yourself and your emotional state and withdraw when necessary.

How long are you staying there - hours, days, weeks?
If the thought of it is making you nervous, you need to minimise it.
Invent/create a logical boundary/excuse to get you out of there - e.g. make plans for the 27th (back to work, visiting a friend, etc).
You can just lie about it, or if that's something you find difficult, then actually go ahead and make the plan so that you don't feel guilty.

How will you get fed? Make sure you're eating 3 meals a day and getting plenty of water.
Protect your physical needs above all else - I call this iron-clad self-care.
Try not to be reliant on them feeling you - random meal times can bring on low moods. Bring snacks.
If you need to buy the cereals etc that you like, then bring them with you or go grocery shopping on the first day.

While you're there, do you have a car/access to good public transport so you can escape any time you need a breather?
What's the weather like? Can you head out for a walk every day - at least 1 hour - to get precious alone time, peace and calm?
Try to make a daily routine so your family gets used to it. Then watch and laugh as they try to sabotage it!
Bring a weatherproof coat and waterproof shoes/snow boots if needed (or linen shorts, water bottle, a hat and sunscreen if you're doing an Aussie Xmas, idk!).

Have you made plans to see an old school friend in town/go to an event/go shopping in town/get a coffee or go for a walk on your own? Do that. Make "me time" plans. You'll need it.
Do whatever you need to to make sure that your headspace does not belong to "them" while you are near them - it makes you completely vulnerable to their mind games and control.
Staying active, spending time with others, and doing things for you helps tremendously to keep your mind for you.

Are you reliant on a family member to drive you places, to pick you up, etc?
Make sure you clearly agree on who will give you a lift to and from the airport, etc. Have a backup plan, i.e., money for taxi, check the coach routes, a friend's phone number, etc.
The family member is unlikely to back out of a commitment like that, but I know from my own experience that I feel anxious relying on people who I don't like/trust.
It always makes me feel better knowing that they are just one of my options - I feel empowered and appreciative, rather than dependent and helpless.

What are the expectations that your family and you have of yourself while you're there?
How much cooking/cleaning/paying for groceries can you all agree is a reasonable amount?
Openly discuss it, then do it. Only do more if you feel like it. Nightly dishes, have a shower in the evening, not morning; it's reasonable for them to have certain expectations in their house.
Remove their ability to spring last-minute tasks or rules on you to trap and control you, to use money to guilt you into doing what they want, etc.
Negotiate if you need to - e.g., it's 12 midnight and there's dishes to do but you're exhausted and your mother is hovering so you know she'll be gossiping and sniping at you while you work - recognise the dynamics and take steps to alter them.
Check you can do the dishes in the morning instead, check what time she wants them done by, then go to bed and get up in the morning and do them.
If she's still hovering, ask her to leave you in the kitchen so you can get it done quicker. Be firm. You're not asking, you're politely telling. May take practice!

This is a time when some "rumination"/roleplay in the mind can be helpful - prepare yourself for a range of scenarios where they are trying to corner and control you.
Practice responses where you say what you want clearly and calmly. Find solutions - write 5 down. Excuses/alternative plans work better than direct confrontation.
Always make sure that you imagine yourself either winning, or gracefully walking away - don't rehearse losing in your mind; it will make it happen.
Then be prepared to walk away from them while you're there. Make sure you've researched your options so that you can do so.
Remember, you do not want to be confined to any situation with an abuser present.
A situation that you can't walk away from is a situation that you shouldn't be entering into in the first place.

Take care of the physical boundaries and your emotions will be protected.
Only stay as little or a long as you can guarantee your emotional safety.

[green_tea]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. These are all excellent ideas. I appreciate this line:

Always make sure that you imagine yourself either winning, or gracefully walking away - don't rehearse losing in your mind; it will make it happen.

I think this is such a good point! Entering into these situations already feeling helpless makes one feel like they've already lost. Focusing on being calm and graceful even for the hours leading up to these events is going to help a lot. Thankfully, I do not live far away  so can leave when I need to. Having a plan though is a better way to leave without having to explain why. Thank you for your tips!

[bgirl12]

Oh how I could have wrote the post you wrote! Great advice on here. I too do not want to lose my mom but could do without a sibling and parent. I cannot go no contact because I would lose my mom and some of my family. However, I skipped Christmas once and got hate mail from my mom that morning. It didn't make me feel guilty at all and so she stopped doing that. If she wants to see me, and she does, she can be supportive of my boundaries. I leave or ask to be driven to the train station as soon as the PD's act up. I never know what I am walking in to and it's too far to just leave without a plan. Great advice in the thread- stick to your plan!!
I made it clear this year for weeks I wasn't going. They didn't listen and luckily I have to work. They don't listen to no. Number one red flag. No is a complete sentence and it is now my favorite word.
You could lie and say you have to work or take care of a friend. I am not a fan of lying, but it is never worth telling them how you feel because they will not change.
I am so sick of abuse and I care more about my well being and preventing trauma than I do about my family regarding the two days of holiday. Also, check your area. Al-Anon may still have meetings on xmas day.  A lot of people chose to not be with family. Best wishes to you and don't ever put yourself in a situation you can't get out of. Just always have a way out. There is always a way out of a family gathering.

[green_tea]

Thanks for your thoughts! My sibling is now threatening to not show up for Christmas unless I talk to her one on one to work through our issues. She also says she won't see me until I go to therapy with her. She can't take NO as an answer. You're right that NO is a complete sentence and nobody should feel pressure to do something they are uncomfortable doing or to take responsibility for actions that were not their fault. I feel like I'm in the kindergarten class of making boundaries with my family and this being the first Christmas with mine in place, she's pushing every button she can think of. Thanks for your comments and support!

[bloomie]

Hi green-tea - it is a LOT to deal with such persistent high conflict and manipulative behaviors. Even more complicated when those behaviors extend to hurting extended family members. It is understandable you are feeling overwhelmed when you are bombarded like this.

My sibling is now threatening to not show up for Christmas unless I talk to her one on one to work through our issues. She also says she won't see me until I go to therapy with her.

One thing I learned from my very wise T... say what you need to say one time and then disengage. If you have already said "no" to joint therapy and more one on one with her (which I think you have from another recent post of yours) then enough said. You can drop the rope and stop communicating about that.

And if she refuses to come to Christmas... that is 100% on her and her right to choose. Not your stuff. Enjoy the peace.

You can kindly redirect anyone who brings their objections to your sister's decision (if she follows through) right back to your grown adult sister and her grown adult responsibility for her choices. "that  is her decision - you will have to talk to her about that".

Having a tool belt that I can rely on as I communicate and socialize, in general, that will serve me in handling any inappropriate or over the line behaviors from others has been one of the most important endeavors of my life.

The toolbox here is excellent. The traits info has a do and don't for all of the traits that I have found really helpful. So much of dealing with uPD family member's behaviors at holiday time and the boundary busting unrealistic expectations of me has been using basic social skills and strategic tools and then holding strong when the push back comes.

I often ask myself when a tricky issue arises... and a tricky issue seems to always arise: "What is mine to do?" Being clear on what is my responsibility and what is someone else's is a quick way to take a pause and decide if any response is needed.

I have spent a lot of hours in anguish over the smears and untruths that have been spoken over my life by a once trusted family member. The twisting and shading of the actual events that took place or actual words that were spoken all of which tear down my character and attack my reputation. It is really painful and this sense of injustice sometimes can almost overwhelm me. I do get how hard that is.

What I do know is that no amount of fawning and placating, giving in or giving over will change the character of a person who would do something like this to me. They will do this no matter how kind, careful, agreeable, generous and loving I am toward them because this is a character issue and how they do life and relationships. And I can learn not to give over and be defeated or manipulated by this toxic behavior that can create an atmosphere of risk and loss around us if we allow it to.

You do not have to give up your mother and extended family. Continue to hold the position you have in your family and gain momentum in setting boundaries and forming strategies for your life and relationships that are based on who you are.

Keep coming back for support. The healing path is steep at times like this and you do not have to go it alone! We are here and we get it!

[green_tea]

Thank you so much for your support and thoughts. It's very encouraging. Thank you.

Question for people reading this thread:

Has the abusive sibling/mate/friend in your life suggested you go to therapy with them? If you agreed to go, did it help at all??

[bgirl12]

My answer to your poll is no- my sibling has not asked me to go to therapy with them. If your sibling has been in therapy and the sibling relationship is one they want to improve, there are a lot of ways they can work with their therapist like setting their own boundaries, how to respect yours, forgiveness, and so on.
You don't need to be present for them to grow and make changes that could trickle down into the rest of life and relationships. I guess I'm not sure what your sibling's goals are. It sounds like they want to mesh with you and and you don't for the most part. What is wrong with both of you caring for yourselves separately? Why would you do anything they suggest? You can, but what do you expect out of that? What do they expect? Your sibling can go by themselves and care for themselves and you can go where you want to go if you want to get help. But do it for you, not for them.